Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Folks, I have some exciting news: I’m not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Yesterday, President Bush outlined his guest-worker program. Or as we call that in L.A., the nanny!
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates, say they will not participate in a presidential debate next month because the debate is on Fox News. And Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you’re afraid of fox news?
According to a survey by Playboy magazine, 3 percent of women can’t remember their natural hair color. You know what you call these women? Blondes.
Letterman
Spring in New York City means the auto show. The auto show will be at the Javits Center until Monday, or until all the cars are stolen.
This just in: The NAACP reception for Don Imus has been canceled.
It’s tax time. Earlier today, Naomi Campbell hit her maid in the head with her calculator.
Conan
The White House finally got around to having its annual Easter egg roll. There were a couple of cartoon characters there, including Bugs Bunny and Charlie Brown. Afterwards, President Bush said, "Finally a Summit meeting I enjoyed.”
An image of the Virgin Mary appeared in a tree along the Mexican border. Not surprisingly, the tree snuck into the U.S. two weeks ago.
Baseball experts say that, last week, cold weather caused the number of homeruns to plunge to its lowest level since 1993. In fact, Barry Bonds said, "My ass is so frozen, I can’t even get the needle in.”
Ferguson
Disneyland has announced they’re now allowing same-sex couples to have their fantasy weddings in their theme parks. Finally, Buzz Lightyear doesn’t have to hide his love for Woody anymore.
Very cold on the East Coast. Just to stay warm, Don Imus hugged Al Sharpton.
The Mel Gibson collection was released on DVD today. Just in time for Passover.
Madonna and The Police have signed on to play Al Gore’s benefit — the concert to save the planet. It’s about time, because the musicians of the ’80s should do their part for the environment. It all started with the hairspray thing . . . that was them.
Kimmel
The Bahamian court decreed that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s 7-month-old daughter. Upon hearing the news, a jubilant Larry Birkhead scooped baby Dannielynn up and locked her in a nearby safety deposit box.
She’s worth more than Yankee Stadium. You can’t be too careful.
This of course means that the father is not Anna Nicole’s lawyer slash pretend husband Howard K. Stern. Poor guy, I almost feel sorry for him. I heard him say, "I changed that kid’s diaper twice for this?”
Leno
Folks, I have some exciting news: I’m not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Yesterday, President Bush outlined his guest-worker program. Or as we call that in L.A., the nanny!
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates, say they will not participate in a presidential debate next month because the debate is on Fox News. And Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you’re afraid of fox news?
According to a survey by Playboy magazine, 3 percent of women can’t remember their natural hair color. You know what you call these women? Blondes.
Letterman
Spring in New York City means the auto show. The auto show will be at the Javits Center until Monday, or until all the cars are stolen.
This just in: The NAACP reception for Don Imus has been canceled.
It’s tax time. Earlier today, Naomi Campbell hit her maid in the head with her calculator.
Conan
The White House finally got around to having its annual Easter egg roll. There were a couple of cartoon characters there, including Bugs Bunny and Charlie Brown. Afterwards, President Bush said, "Finally a Summit meeting I enjoyed.”
An image of the Virgin Mary appeared in a tree along the Mexican border. Not surprisingly, the tree snuck into the U.S. two weeks ago.
Baseball experts say that, last week, cold weather caused the number of homeruns to plunge to its lowest level since 1993. In fact, Barry Bonds said, "My ass is so frozen, I can’t even get the needle in.”
Ferguson
Disneyland has announced they’re now allowing same-sex couples to have their fantasy weddings in their theme parks. Finally, Buzz Lightyear doesn’t have to hide his love for Woody anymore.
Very cold on the East Coast. Just to stay warm, Don Imus hugged Al Sharpton.
The Mel Gibson collection was released on DVD today. Just in time for Passover.
Madonna and The Police have signed on to play Al Gore’s benefit — the concert to save the planet. It’s about time, because the musicians of the ’80s should do their part for the environment. It all started with the hairspray thing . . . that was them.
Kimmel
The Bahamian court decreed that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s 7-month-old daughter. Upon hearing the news, a jubilant Larry Birkhead scooped baby Dannielynn up and locked her in a nearby safety deposit box.
She’s worth more than Yankee Stadium. You can’t be too careful.
This of course means that the father is not Anna Nicole’s lawyer slash pretend husband Howard K. Stern. Poor guy, I almost feel sorry for him. I heard him say, "I changed that kid’s diaper twice for this?”
