Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Do you believe the weather? It was snowing in Washington! It was so white, people thought the republicans were back in charge.
It was so cold in Georgia, Newt Gingrich had another affair just to stay warm.
Snow on Easter is pretty unusual, isn’t it? In fact, today, a confused Keith Richards mixed it with his dad and snorted it.
In an effort to prove he really is a hunter, presidential candidate Mitt Romney shot and killed the Easter Bunny.
Letterman
Cold for spring isn’t it? It was so cold up there at Yankee Stadium, the beer was cold.
It was so cold Barry Bonds tested positive for chowder.
Barack Obama is on the show tonight. He wants to make two major announcements. One: He is announcing his plan to end the war, and Two: he wants to announce his plan to cancel "The View.”
Here in New York City, people go crazy for Easter. Today down in Washington D.C. there was the big annual Easter egg hunt. No surprise here, the $87 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton.
Conan
President Bush hard at work on the immigration issue. Earlier to day, President Bush was in Arizona inspecting an unmanned plane that’s used to patrol the border. At least the plane was supposed to be unmanned — turns out they found six Mexicans inside.
Nice celebrity story: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest recently traveled to one of the poorest villages in Africa to visit with the children. The first thing the African children said was, "What’s the frickin’ deal with Sanjaya!?!”
In a new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the ‘80s group Wham!. In case you’re curious, the repeated requests all come from the other guys in Wham!.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride.” This is, of course, great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning.
Ferguson
Charles Simonyi became the latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. He’s Martha Stewart’s boyfriend, this guy. If I was Martha Stewart’s boyfriend I’d be going too.
Wasn’t it Lance Bass who was going to go into space? Then he just came out of the closet instead. Just as fabulous and the clothes are better.
The crab season has been delayed because of the cold in Maryland. It’s a week or a month late. I don’t trust anything that walks sideways. At least not sober. There’s only two creatures that walk sideways — crabs and lawyers.
Kimmel
Easter Sunday yesterday. Catholics all around the world celebrated the resurrection of "The Sopranos.”
Only eight episodes of "The Sopranos” left, so after that we’ll have to get all of our televised violence from "The View.”
In Washington D.C., the first lady hosted the White House’s annual Easter egg roll. President Bush had a lot of fun; he found three eggs, which is a new record for him.
Leno
Do you believe the weather? It was snowing in Washington! It was so white, people thought the republicans were back in charge.
It was so cold in Georgia, Newt Gingrich had another affair just to stay warm.
Snow on Easter is pretty unusual, isn’t it? In fact, today, a confused Keith Richards mixed it with his dad and snorted it.
In an effort to prove he really is a hunter, presidential candidate Mitt Romney shot and killed the Easter Bunny.
Letterman
Cold for spring isn’t it? It was so cold up there at Yankee Stadium, the beer was cold.
It was so cold Barry Bonds tested positive for chowder.
Barack Obama is on the show tonight. He wants to make two major announcements. One: He is announcing his plan to end the war, and Two: he wants to announce his plan to cancel "The View.”
Here in New York City, people go crazy for Easter. Today down in Washington D.C. there was the big annual Easter egg hunt. No surprise here, the $87 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton.
Conan
President Bush hard at work on the immigration issue. Earlier to day, President Bush was in Arizona inspecting an unmanned plane that’s used to patrol the border. At least the plane was supposed to be unmanned — turns out they found six Mexicans inside.
Nice celebrity story: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest recently traveled to one of the poorest villages in Africa to visit with the children. The first thing the African children said was, "What’s the frickin’ deal with Sanjaya!?!”
In a new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the ‘80s group Wham!. In case you’re curious, the repeated requests all come from the other guys in Wham!.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride.” This is, of course, great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning.
Ferguson
Charles Simonyi became the latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. He’s Martha Stewart’s boyfriend, this guy. If I was Martha Stewart’s boyfriend I’d be going too.
Wasn’t it Lance Bass who was going to go into space? Then he just came out of the closet instead. Just as fabulous and the clothes are better.
The crab season has been delayed because of the cold in Maryland. It’s a week or a month late. I don’t trust anything that walks sideways. At least not sober. There’s only two creatures that walk sideways — crabs and lawyers.
Kimmel
Easter Sunday yesterday. Catholics all around the world celebrated the resurrection of "The Sopranos.”
Only eight episodes of "The Sopranos” left, so after that we’ll have to get all of our televised violence from "The View.”
In Washington D.C., the first lady hosted the White House’s annual Easter egg roll. President Bush had a lot of fun; he found three eggs, which is a new record for him.
