Friday, April 27, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
Tonight was the first Democratic presidential debate. The debate was only on MSNBC. Projected winner? Anybody with CNN or Fox.
Congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney, this week. Political pundits say Dennis Kucinich is that rare candidate capable of waging two hopeless campaigns at the same time.
The FDA says there’s no evidence that marijuana treats any disease. Hey there’s no evidence that HMOs treat any disease either but they’re not banning those.
Astronomers now say they have discovered the existence of an "earth-like” planet, with an atmosphere that could sustain life, nearly 120 trillion miles away from us out in deep space. Here’s the amazing part: It already has three Starbucks.
Letterman
How about that Rosie O’Donnell? She’s left "The View,” and she’s rumored to be hiding out in the mountainous region of Afghanistan.
Did anybody see the [Democratic] debate? It was really weird. After the rebuttal, John Edwards demanded two minutes for conditioner.
Regis Philbin went back to work today on his own show. Regis Philbin, after his triple bypass surgery, is a changed man. As a matter of fact, I watched his nurse change him backstage.
Conan
The first Democratic debate was held tonight. It featured Hillary Clinton facing off with seven men. Or as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever.
Yesterday President Bush visited New York City, and before his visit, the city filled in all the potholes near the school. Not only that, before the president’s visit, the school hid all of the sharp objects and covered all the electric sockets with plastic.
Hugh Grant’s been arrested because he got mad and threw a container of baked beans at a photographer. So far people aren’t sure which is more embarrassing, being arrested with a prostitute, or being arrested for throwing baked beans.
Ferguson
Regis Philbin is back on TV today. Regis is back on television the first day of sweeps. Coincidence? Yes, probably. Sweeps, if you don’t know, is when the networks put on all their best to try and up the advertising. We don’t hold our best stuff for sweeps . . . we throw out the same crap all year round.
Richard Gere is in trouble. The Indian government put a warrant out for his arrest, because he made out with an Indian actress. The Indian authorities said the kiss transgressed all limits of vulgarity. I really hope they don’t get this show over in India.
He’s not the only celebrity in trouble. Hugh Grant attacked a paparazzi with a Tupperware full of baked beans. When will this madness end? Baked beans aren’t usually used as a weapon. Maybe indirectly as a chemical weapon.
Kimmel
Today was "Take Your Daughter or Son to Work Day.” It used to be, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but they changed it because they want boys to know it’s OK to work too.
More bad news for Snoop Dogg. He has been banned from Australia. He tried to get in there to cohost the MTV Australian Music Video Awards, but the immigration minister said, "You cannot come in because of your criminal record.” This is really unfair. We let Crocodile Dundee run around here with a 4-foot long machete . . .
He is still allowed in Jamaica though.
Leno
Tonight was the first Democratic presidential debate. The debate was only on MSNBC. Projected winner? Anybody with CNN or Fox.
Congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney, this week. Political pundits say Dennis Kucinich is that rare candidate capable of waging two hopeless campaigns at the same time.
The FDA says there’s no evidence that marijuana treats any disease. Hey there’s no evidence that HMOs treat any disease either but they’re not banning those.
Astronomers now say they have discovered the existence of an "earth-like” planet, with an atmosphere that could sustain life, nearly 120 trillion miles away from us out in deep space. Here’s the amazing part: It already has three Starbucks.
Letterman
How about that Rosie O’Donnell? She’s left "The View,” and she’s rumored to be hiding out in the mountainous region of Afghanistan.
Did anybody see the [Democratic] debate? It was really weird. After the rebuttal, John Edwards demanded two minutes for conditioner.
Regis Philbin went back to work today on his own show. Regis Philbin, after his triple bypass surgery, is a changed man. As a matter of fact, I watched his nurse change him backstage.
Conan
The first Democratic debate was held tonight. It featured Hillary Clinton facing off with seven men. Or as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever.
Yesterday President Bush visited New York City, and before his visit, the city filled in all the potholes near the school. Not only that, before the president’s visit, the school hid all of the sharp objects and covered all the electric sockets with plastic.
Hugh Grant’s been arrested because he got mad and threw a container of baked beans at a photographer. So far people aren’t sure which is more embarrassing, being arrested with a prostitute, or being arrested for throwing baked beans.
Ferguson
Regis Philbin is back on TV today. Regis is back on television the first day of sweeps. Coincidence? Yes, probably. Sweeps, if you don’t know, is when the networks put on all their best to try and up the advertising. We don’t hold our best stuff for sweeps . . . we throw out the same crap all year round.
Richard Gere is in trouble. The Indian government put a warrant out for his arrest, because he made out with an Indian actress. The Indian authorities said the kiss transgressed all limits of vulgarity. I really hope they don’t get this show over in India.
He’s not the only celebrity in trouble. Hugh Grant attacked a paparazzi with a Tupperware full of baked beans. When will this madness end? Baked beans aren’t usually used as a weapon. Maybe indirectly as a chemical weapon.
Kimmel
Today was "Take Your Daughter or Son to Work Day.” It used to be, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but they changed it because they want boys to know it’s OK to work too.
More bad news for Snoop Dogg. He has been banned from Australia. He tried to get in there to cohost the MTV Australian Music Video Awards, but the immigration minister said, "You cannot come in because of your criminal record.” This is really unfair. We let Crocodile Dundee run around here with a 4-foot long machete . . .
He is still allowed in Jamaica though.
