Thursday, April 26, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
The story that has rocked show business: Rosie O’Donnell announced that she’s leaving "The View.” The sad part: None of the other hosts on "The View” heard what she said because they were all talking at the same time.
In other news, President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted?
Former presidential candidate, Tom Vilsack announced this week that he will now endorse Hillary Clinton for president. When Hillary heard the news she said, "Who’s Tom Vilsack?”
Prime Minister Tony Blair says that bad drivers kill more people and are a bigger threat to the world than war and disease. In fact, I read that in the paper this morning in the car as I was driving to work.
Letterman
Beautiful day. It was warm and still. Actually the only breeze we had was from the Yankees blowing another game.
President Bush sneaked into town yesterday. He landed his helicopter right in Central Park. Security was very tight. He stepped out of the helicopter and Cheney covered him with his shotgun.
Big news: Rosie O’Donnell is leaving "The View.” After making that announcement, she shaved her head and checked into rehab.
Do you believe the turnover at that show? It makes the Iraqi government look stable.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Rosie O'Donnell Is Leaving "The View"
10. Couldn't maintain rigorous one-hour-a-day work schedule
9. It's been awkward ever since she threw Joy Behar through a plate glass window
8. Gearing up for the Kucinich-O'Donnell 2008 campaign
7. Fed up with Elisabeth Hasselbeck being sweet
6. Taking time off to be with her fiance Donald Trump
5. She feels she can get more feuding done by working at home
4. No number four — writer too despondent after hearing the news
3. Can make more money wrasslin' gators in Florida
2. Tired of empty gin bottles in Barbara Walters' office
1. Tested positive for steroids
Conan
McDonald’s has just introduced a Happy Meal with toys inspired by "American Idol.” The toys include a microphone, sunglasses, and a Paula Abdul shot glass.
New York City Mike Bloomberg says he wants to copy an anti-poverty program that’s currently used in Mexico. He wants to use it here. Apparently Mexico has a great anti-poverty program — it’s called a bus ticket to Los Angeles.
Jessica Simpson’s father has offered to manage Britney Spears’ career. When asked why he wants to manage Britney, he said, "She‘s like the third untalented daughter I never had.”
Former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s ex-wife says in her new book that McGreevey is not really homosexual. She’s says he’s not really homosexual. McGreevey was furious and said, "How many guys do you have to screw to get your wife to call you gay?”
Ferguson
It’s a great day for Rosie O’Donnell. She’s off of "The View.” Right after Rosie announced that she’s leaving, Donald Trump went after her saying bad things . . . He will not let that go! Eventually, Rosie and Trump are going to have incredible make-up sex.
Rosie will run her fingers through his hair . . . Trump will grab it and say, "Give it back!”
I’ve heard rumors that Rosie might replace Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right.” You can never know, because Bob Barker anoints his successor. Everybody knows that. He picks his successor by biting them on the neck.
Astronomers made an amazing discovery. A new planet that may be able to support life. You know name scientists have given this planet? 581C. Can’t they do better than that? That doesn’t sound like a planet — that sounds like an apartment.
Kimmel
Rosie O’Donnell announced that her reign of terror is over. Let me be the first to say, congratulations, Rosie. In nine short months, you’ve transformed morning television from a peaceful land of movie plugs and menopause chat into a vile and sadistic battlefield littered with clumps of Donald Trump’s hair, Elisabeth Hasseklbeck, and piles and piles of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
Interesting that she made this announcement three days before the NFL draft.
Of course the other ladies on "The View,” pretended to be sad to see her go.
Leno
The story that has rocked show business: Rosie O’Donnell announced that she’s leaving "The View.” The sad part: None of the other hosts on "The View” heard what she said because they were all talking at the same time.
In other news, President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted?
Former presidential candidate, Tom Vilsack announced this week that he will now endorse Hillary Clinton for president. When Hillary heard the news she said, "Who’s Tom Vilsack?”
Prime Minister Tony Blair says that bad drivers kill more people and are a bigger threat to the world than war and disease. In fact, I read that in the paper this morning in the car as I was driving to work.
Letterman
Beautiful day. It was warm and still. Actually the only breeze we had was from the Yankees blowing another game.
President Bush sneaked into town yesterday. He landed his helicopter right in Central Park. Security was very tight. He stepped out of the helicopter and Cheney covered him with his shotgun.
Big news: Rosie O’Donnell is leaving "The View.” After making that announcement, she shaved her head and checked into rehab.
Do you believe the turnover at that show? It makes the Iraqi government look stable.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Rosie O'Donnell Is Leaving "The View"
10. Couldn't maintain rigorous one-hour-a-day work schedule
9. It's been awkward ever since she threw Joy Behar through a plate glass window
8. Gearing up for the Kucinich-O'Donnell 2008 campaign
7. Fed up with Elisabeth Hasselbeck being sweet
6. Taking time off to be with her fiance Donald Trump
5. She feels she can get more feuding done by working at home
4. No number four — writer too despondent after hearing the news
3. Can make more money wrasslin' gators in Florida
2. Tired of empty gin bottles in Barbara Walters' office
1. Tested positive for steroids
Conan
McDonald’s has just introduced a Happy Meal with toys inspired by "American Idol.” The toys include a microphone, sunglasses, and a Paula Abdul shot glass.
New York City Mike Bloomberg says he wants to copy an anti-poverty program that’s currently used in Mexico. He wants to use it here. Apparently Mexico has a great anti-poverty program — it’s called a bus ticket to Los Angeles.
Jessica Simpson’s father has offered to manage Britney Spears’ career. When asked why he wants to manage Britney, he said, "She‘s like the third untalented daughter I never had.”
Former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s ex-wife says in her new book that McGreevey is not really homosexual. She’s says he’s not really homosexual. McGreevey was furious and said, "How many guys do you have to screw to get your wife to call you gay?”
Ferguson
It’s a great day for Rosie O’Donnell. She’s off of "The View.” Right after Rosie announced that she’s leaving, Donald Trump went after her saying bad things . . . He will not let that go! Eventually, Rosie and Trump are going to have incredible make-up sex.
Rosie will run her fingers through his hair . . . Trump will grab it and say, "Give it back!”
I’ve heard rumors that Rosie might replace Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right.” You can never know, because Bob Barker anoints his successor. Everybody knows that. He picks his successor by biting them on the neck.
Astronomers made an amazing discovery. A new planet that may be able to support life. You know name scientists have given this planet? 581C. Can’t they do better than that? That doesn’t sound like a planet — that sounds like an apartment.
Kimmel
Rosie O’Donnell announced that her reign of terror is over. Let me be the first to say, congratulations, Rosie. In nine short months, you’ve transformed morning television from a peaceful land of movie plugs and menopause chat into a vile and sadistic battlefield littered with clumps of Donald Trump’s hair, Elisabeth Hasseklbeck, and piles and piles of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
Interesting that she made this announcement three days before the NFL draft.
Of course the other ladies on "The View,” pretended to be sad to see her go.
