Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
Finally a beautiful day in Los Angeles. It was actually hot today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Alec Baldwin on "take your daughter to work” day.
The price of gasoline continues to rise here in Los Angeles, $3.70 a gallon. Highest in the nation. In fact, I saw John Edwards driving a Prius to get a $400 haircut.
At a speech in New York City, Hillary Clinton said that when she gets to the White House in 2009 she’s afraid to see what’s she’s going to find under the rug in the Oval Office. I don’t think the Clintons are the best people to be talking about the rug in the Oval Office.
In a speech Sunday, before a church group, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome said that he is going to make San Francisco a sanctuary for illegal immigrants so they can go there and not worry about being deported to their home country of Los Angeles.
Letterman
The mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, has announced that he wants to plant a million trees in New York City. A million trees in New York City. Or as Donald Trump calls it, a blight on the landscape.
News from Washington D.C.: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says that despite the criticism of his performance, he will not resign. Despite the criticism, he will not resign. It’s like I have a twin.
Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected, she will name her husband "roving ambassador to the world." Former President Bill Clinton will be the roving ambassador to the world. Let me think about this . . . Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife . . . No, I can’t see anything going wrong there.
President Bush is in town. He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue as part of his pet program, "No Cash Left Behind.”
Conan
Busy day at the White House. Earlier today President bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited president Bush to visit Machu Pichu Bush said, "Great! I love Pokemon.”
Bill Clinton announced he would be traveling to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia, Boris Yeltsin. At least that’s what he’s telling Hillary.
While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles working on "American Idol,” his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves, but Cowell described them as "amateurish and uninspired."
Archaeologists in Miami have unearthed part of a human skeleton that is almost 3,000 years old. Apparently they found the 3,000-year-old skeleton when they X-rayed Larry King.
Ferguson
Not such a great day for the "Girls Gone Wild” guy, Joe Francis. He got sentenced to 35 days in jail for contempt of court in Florida. And he cried. He didn’t want to be photographed going to jail so he pulled his T-shirt up over his head.
I saw this headline about bees today. "Bees Vanish.” Bees are disappearing! This is worrying for me. I’m a B-list celebrity!
Worker bees are disappearing. But the hives are still filled with queen bees. So it’s just a bunch of queen bees lying around, not doing any work. Bunch of queens lyiong around not doing any work . . . It’s like Hollywood!
Kimmel
World class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause, the annual White House Press Correspondents Dinner. Last year, Stephen Colbert was the headline. I guess he may have been a little too funny for their liking, because this year they went with a slightly safer choice. They’ve exhumed Rich Little to be the emcee. Now when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he’s nowhere to be found.
Sheryl Crow was at this dinner. I guess she was there to raise awareness about global warming. She has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. So in other words, don’t ever shake Sheryl Crow’s hand.
This explains why Lance Armstrong never let her sit on his bicycle seat.
Leno
Finally a beautiful day in Los Angeles. It was actually hot today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Alec Baldwin on "take your daughter to work” day.
The price of gasoline continues to rise here in Los Angeles, $3.70 a gallon. Highest in the nation. In fact, I saw John Edwards driving a Prius to get a $400 haircut.
At a speech in New York City, Hillary Clinton said that when she gets to the White House in 2009 she’s afraid to see what’s she’s going to find under the rug in the Oval Office. I don’t think the Clintons are the best people to be talking about the rug in the Oval Office.
In a speech Sunday, before a church group, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome said that he is going to make San Francisco a sanctuary for illegal immigrants so they can go there and not worry about being deported to their home country of Los Angeles.
Letterman
The mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, has announced that he wants to plant a million trees in New York City. A million trees in New York City. Or as Donald Trump calls it, a blight on the landscape.
News from Washington D.C.: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says that despite the criticism of his performance, he will not resign. Despite the criticism, he will not resign. It’s like I have a twin.
Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected, she will name her husband "roving ambassador to the world." Former President Bill Clinton will be the roving ambassador to the world. Let me think about this . . . Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife . . . No, I can’t see anything going wrong there.
President Bush is in town. He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue as part of his pet program, "No Cash Left Behind.”
Conan
Busy day at the White House. Earlier today President bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited president Bush to visit Machu Pichu Bush said, "Great! I love Pokemon.”
Bill Clinton announced he would be traveling to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia, Boris Yeltsin. At least that’s what he’s telling Hillary.
While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles working on "American Idol,” his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves, but Cowell described them as "amateurish and uninspired."
Archaeologists in Miami have unearthed part of a human skeleton that is almost 3,000 years old. Apparently they found the 3,000-year-old skeleton when they X-rayed Larry King.
Ferguson
Not such a great day for the "Girls Gone Wild” guy, Joe Francis. He got sentenced to 35 days in jail for contempt of court in Florida. And he cried. He didn’t want to be photographed going to jail so he pulled his T-shirt up over his head.
I saw this headline about bees today. "Bees Vanish.” Bees are disappearing! This is worrying for me. I’m a B-list celebrity!
Worker bees are disappearing. But the hives are still filled with queen bees. So it’s just a bunch of queen bees lying around, not doing any work. Bunch of queens lyiong around not doing any work . . . It’s like Hollywood!
Kimmel
World class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause, the annual White House Press Correspondents Dinner. Last year, Stephen Colbert was the headline. I guess he may have been a little too funny for their liking, because this year they went with a slightly safer choice. They’ve exhumed Rich Little to be the emcee. Now when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he’s nowhere to be found.
Sheryl Crow was at this dinner. I guess she was there to raise awareness about global warming. She has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. So in other words, don’t ever shake Sheryl Crow’s hand.
This explains why Lance Armstrong never let her sit on his bicycle seat.
