Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
All the big candidates were out campaigning on the big Earth Day weekend. They had some good ideas. John McCain suggested we bomb Iran using just hybrid planes.
Newt Gingrich says the next time he cheats on his wife, he’ll leave the lights off to save energy.
Hillary Clinton has vowed to wear only organically grown pantsuits.
Did you see Bill Clinton picking up some trash on the beach? Did you see that? Then he gave her cab fare home.
Letterman
It was hot today. Coming to work today, I see a rabbi rolling a keg of beer down the street.
So hot Kelly Ripa was cohosting with Ted Williams.
It’s the allergy season. It’s so bad here in New York City that the crack dealers have started to sell antihistamines.
President Bush is standing behind Attorney General Roberto Gonzales. He says Alberto Gonzales is an honorable man. And you know what that means — George is drinking again.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Learned From "American Idol"
10. The camera adds 10 pounds to your mohawk
9. Work hard and make sacrifices; you can finish in 7th place
8. It's very important to "keep it real, dawg."
7. I should have gone for the Immunity Idol — oh wait, that's "Survivor"
6. On-camera Simon is a bit nasty, but off-camera, he's a total jerk
5. Voting for yourself 100 times an hour causes some wicked carpal tunnel
4. When you forget the words, just do this (Sanjaya belts out, "OHHHHHHH")
3. Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
2. Nothing
1. America loves performers with bad hair — right, Dave?
Ferguson
I had a week off last week; I was on vacation. I went to New York, and I was on the David Letterman show. Dave keeps that studio freezing cold. It’s freezing in there! I think that’s where they store Bob Barker [host of "Price Is Right”].
I did "The View” while I was there. It was kind of nice, because last time I was on "The View,” it was breastfeeding week. Don’t get me wrong, I like breasts, and I like feeding, but when they’re put together on a show, I kind of feel I’m not needed.
Last weekend I was in Las Vegas. I was doing some standup shows. I love Las Vegas. I love the celebrity impersonators. I love the billboards they’ve got up on The Strip. They got a guy who looks like Frank Sinatra, and the guy who looks a bit like Madonna . . .
Leno
All the big candidates were out campaigning on the big Earth Day weekend. They had some good ideas. John McCain suggested we bomb Iran using just hybrid planes.
Newt Gingrich says the next time he cheats on his wife, he’ll leave the lights off to save energy.
Hillary Clinton has vowed to wear only organically grown pantsuits.
Did you see Bill Clinton picking up some trash on the beach? Did you see that? Then he gave her cab fare home.
Letterman
It was hot today. Coming to work today, I see a rabbi rolling a keg of beer down the street.
So hot Kelly Ripa was cohosting with Ted Williams.
It’s the allergy season. It’s so bad here in New York City that the crack dealers have started to sell antihistamines.
President Bush is standing behind Attorney General Roberto Gonzales. He says Alberto Gonzales is an honorable man. And you know what that means — George is drinking again.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Learned From "American Idol"
10. The camera adds 10 pounds to your mohawk
9. Work hard and make sacrifices; you can finish in 7th place
8. It's very important to "keep it real, dawg."
7. I should have gone for the Immunity Idol — oh wait, that's "Survivor"
6. On-camera Simon is a bit nasty, but off-camera, he's a total jerk
5. Voting for yourself 100 times an hour causes some wicked carpal tunnel
4. When you forget the words, just do this (Sanjaya belts out, "OHHHHHHH")
3. Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
2. Nothing
1. America loves performers with bad hair — right, Dave?
Ferguson
I had a week off last week; I was on vacation. I went to New York, and I was on the David Letterman show. Dave keeps that studio freezing cold. It’s freezing in there! I think that’s where they store Bob Barker [host of "Price Is Right”].
I did "The View” while I was there. It was kind of nice, because last time I was on "The View,” it was breastfeeding week. Don’t get me wrong, I like breasts, and I like feeding, but when they’re put together on a show, I kind of feel I’m not needed.
Last weekend I was in Las Vegas. I was doing some standup shows. I love Las Vegas. I love the celebrity impersonators. I love the billboards they’ve got up on The Strip. They got a guy who looks like Frank Sinatra, and the guy who looks a bit like Madonna . . .
