Saturday, April 28, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
Alec Baldwin was on "The View” this morning. You can’t say the guy hasn’t been punished. He was on "The View.”
He went on "The View” to say that he wanted to quit acting so he could spend more time with his family. But NBC has refused to let him out of his contract. Isn’t that the luck? He gets on the one NBC show that wasn’t canceled after two weeks . . .
In New York City women are being paid as much as $1,200 to lay on a table in fancy restaurants, naked, and the chef covers them with food. Then people come and eat the food off the naked women. You know what these women are called? A lazy Susan.
Actor Hugh Grant was arrested in London after he attacked a paparazzi photographer outside his house. He kicked the guy and threw a tub of baked beans at him. He was charged with reckless endangerment and assault with a deadly side dish.
Letterman
Today is Arbor Day. Down at the White House, a confused George W. Bush planted an Easter egg.
Celebrity birthdays. Saddam Hussein would have been 70 years old tomorrow. And if you’re looking for a gift, he could really use an air conditioner.
The Pope has gotten rid of limbo. Did you hear about this? Limbo is the place you go to before you go to hell. Here at the "Late Show,” we call that the Green Room.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Prom
10. "The theme is 'A Night in Gitmo'"
9. "The janitor is making a fresh batch of punch"
8. "I couldn't afford a corsage, so I bought you some iceberg lettuce"
7. "For this next dance, I want all you Sunnis to grab a Shiite"
6. "I plan on having sex tonight — not with you of course"
5. "Would you like to go someplace quiet and discuss the joys of Scientology?"
4. "Surprise! I wore my Spock ears!"
3. "Are you a cop?"
2. "Paris Hilton will attend anything"
1. "Nice dress, Carl"
Conan
Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because she can’t think of a better cheerleader for America. To which Bill Clinton said, "I can think of 20, and I have their phone numbers.”
Even though Sanjaya has been voted off "American Idol,” some viewers are organizing fan clubs. They want to be known as "Fanjayas.” Or by their current name, deaf people.
In an effort to help the environment, Sheryl Crow has proposed using only one square of toilet paper when going to the bathroom. In a related story, don’t ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.
Ferguson
Oscar season is upon us. "Kickin It Old School” opens today. It’s a movie about a break dancer who wakes up from a 20-year coma. If I had woken up today from a 20-year coma, I’d say, "Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California? What’s that! The Terminator is the governor!”
Everyone would be like, "Cocaine is addictive? Who knew!”
George Michael is gay?
The Sundance Film Festival used to be about independent films. Now Paris Hilton goes to the Sundance Film Festival. It used to be about small movies; now it’s about small handbags, with wee dogs on them.
Leno
Alec Baldwin was on "The View” this morning. You can’t say the guy hasn’t been punished. He was on "The View.”
He went on "The View” to say that he wanted to quit acting so he could spend more time with his family. But NBC has refused to let him out of his contract. Isn’t that the luck? He gets on the one NBC show that wasn’t canceled after two weeks . . .
In New York City women are being paid as much as $1,200 to lay on a table in fancy restaurants, naked, and the chef covers them with food. Then people come and eat the food off the naked women. You know what these women are called? A lazy Susan.
Actor Hugh Grant was arrested in London after he attacked a paparazzi photographer outside his house. He kicked the guy and threw a tub of baked beans at him. He was charged with reckless endangerment and assault with a deadly side dish.
Letterman
Today is Arbor Day. Down at the White House, a confused George W. Bush planted an Easter egg.
Celebrity birthdays. Saddam Hussein would have been 70 years old tomorrow. And if you’re looking for a gift, he could really use an air conditioner.
The Pope has gotten rid of limbo. Did you hear about this? Limbo is the place you go to before you go to hell. Here at the "Late Show,” we call that the Green Room.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Prom
10. "The theme is 'A Night in Gitmo'"
9. "The janitor is making a fresh batch of punch"
8. "I couldn't afford a corsage, so I bought you some iceberg lettuce"
7. "For this next dance, I want all you Sunnis to grab a Shiite"
6. "I plan on having sex tonight — not with you of course"
5. "Would you like to go someplace quiet and discuss the joys of Scientology?"
4. "Surprise! I wore my Spock ears!"
3. "Are you a cop?"
2. "Paris Hilton will attend anything"
1. "Nice dress, Carl"
Conan
Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because she can’t think of a better cheerleader for America. To which Bill Clinton said, "I can think of 20, and I have their phone numbers.”
Even though Sanjaya has been voted off "American Idol,” some viewers are organizing fan clubs. They want to be known as "Fanjayas.” Or by their current name, deaf people.
In an effort to help the environment, Sheryl Crow has proposed using only one square of toilet paper when going to the bathroom. In a related story, don’t ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.
Ferguson
Oscar season is upon us. "Kickin It Old School” opens today. It’s a movie about a break dancer who wakes up from a 20-year coma. If I had woken up today from a 20-year coma, I’d say, "Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California? What’s that! The Terminator is the governor!”
Everyone would be like, "Cocaine is addictive? Who knew!”
George Michael is gay?
The Sundance Film Festival used to be about independent films. Now Paris Hilton goes to the Sundance Film Festival. It used to be about small movies; now it’s about small handbags, with wee dogs on them.
