Saturday, March 17, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Tomorrow, of course, is St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it here in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Gringo.”
You’ll be seeing people wearing those buttons, "Kiss me I’m Irish.” That’s the most popular one. Least popular one: "Frisk me I’m Arabic.”
A lot of restaurants are holding St. Patrick’s Day promotions. At Kentucky Fried Chicken one lucky customer will be chosen to run the rats out of KFC. I think they’re dying the rats green if I’m not mistaken.
In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton’s lead has dropped 19 points over Barack Obama to just 7 points. She’s now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy.
Conan
President Bush celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. Bush praised Sandra Day O’Connor, Tip O’Neill, and Barack Obama.
Tomorrow New York City will have its St. Patrick’s Day parade. This year there’s going to be 150,000 marchers. Not only that, there’ll be 200,000 crawlers, and 300,000 faller-downers.
This week Court TV announced they are creating a new courtroom show for Star Jones. For the first time, justice is glad that it’s blind.
At a zoo in Louisiana a female chimpanzee recently got pregnant even though all the male chimps had supposedly been fixed. And now paternity tests indicate that the father is a chimp named Conan. Not only did they name a chimp after me, they botched my chimp vasectomy.
Kimmel
It’s St. Patrick’s Day. It’s upon us. Pardon me if I seem a little woozy, but it turned out the corned beef I ate for lunch today had no food coloring in it at all.
This morning, Angelina Jolie adopted a leprechaun.
President Bush got a head start on St. Patrick’s Day. He met with the prime minister of Ireland this morning. There’s a tradition that they have called the Shamrock Ceremony where they exchange gifts. The United States and Ireland do a ceremonial exchange of gifts. [Video of Irish prime minister giving shamrocks and, dubbed in, a pair of underpants stating "Kiss me , I’m Irish.”]
Leno
Tomorrow, of course, is St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it here in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Gringo.”
You’ll be seeing people wearing those buttons, "Kiss me I’m Irish.” That’s the most popular one. Least popular one: "Frisk me I’m Arabic.”
A lot of restaurants are holding St. Patrick’s Day promotions. At Kentucky Fried Chicken one lucky customer will be chosen to run the rats out of KFC. I think they’re dying the rats green if I’m not mistaken.
In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton’s lead has dropped 19 points over Barack Obama to just 7 points. She’s now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy.
Conan
President Bush celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. Bush praised Sandra Day O’Connor, Tip O’Neill, and Barack Obama.
Tomorrow New York City will have its St. Patrick’s Day parade. This year there’s going to be 150,000 marchers. Not only that, there’ll be 200,000 crawlers, and 300,000 faller-downers.
This week Court TV announced they are creating a new courtroom show for Star Jones. For the first time, justice is glad that it’s blind.
At a zoo in Louisiana a female chimpanzee recently got pregnant even though all the male chimps had supposedly been fixed. And now paternity tests indicate that the father is a chimp named Conan. Not only did they name a chimp after me, they botched my chimp vasectomy.
Kimmel
It’s St. Patrick’s Day. It’s upon us. Pardon me if I seem a little woozy, but it turned out the corned beef I ate for lunch today had no food coloring in it at all.
This morning, Angelina Jolie adopted a leprechaun.
President Bush got a head start on St. Patrick’s Day. He met with the prime minister of Ireland this morning. There’s a tradition that they have called the Shamrock Ceremony where they exchange gifts. The United States and Ireland do a ceremonial exchange of gifts. [Video of Irish prime minister giving shamrocks and, dubbed in, a pair of underpants stating "Kiss me , I’m Irish.”]
