Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Jury selection began this week in the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector said the jury he would like to select is either the OJ jury or the Robert Blake jury.
As I’m sure you know, jury selection in Los Angeles is followed by a three part process. The bungling of the evidence, the acquittal, then the book by the defendant called, "If I Did It.”
If you are not familiar with the case, legendary music producer Phil Spector is accused of shooting an actress that he just met. When Robert Blake heard about this, he was horrified. He said, "Hey, at least I took mine to dinner first.”
On this date in 1847 Brigham Young married his 42nd wife. You know what he told a friend before he married his 42nd wife? "This is the one. Those other chicks were nothing. You, you’re special.”
Letterman
Adam Sandler filling in.
Unfortunately Dave is suffering from a stomach flu. A common side effect of Botox injections.
I’m not going to do topical jokes . . . I like President Bush; he’s a nice guy. He told me he saw "Water Boy” 28 times.
He said he saw "Click” 53 times. He asked me where he could buy a remote like that. One that could rewind about five years for him. That’s what he needs.
Conan
In Washington D.C. people want the attorney general to resign. Some republicans are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. The No. 1 candidate is Judge Judy.
Scientists say they are trying to develop a drug that eliminates memories of traumatic events.
The research is being funded by Star Jones’ husband.
In Hollywood the other night, the producer of "Girls Gone Wild” was spotted hanging out at a gay bar. Which explains the title of the new DVD, "Girls Gone Wild — At Least I thought They Were Girls; I Was Really Drunk.”
According to USA Today, Tom Cruise’s wedding was in an Italian castle. Well that inspired Elizabeth Hurley to marry in a British castle, and inspired Eva Longoria to book her wedding in French castle. Meanwhile Kirstie Allie is getting married at White Castle.
Ferguson
Tomorrow, for the first day of spring, Dunkin Donuts is giving away free iced coffee. So if you’re going to commit a crime, tomorrow would probably be the day.
Tara Reid is starting her own fast food restaurant. Great news for anyone who likes their food cheap and soaked in vodka.
That Boy Scout in North Carolina was rescued by a dog named Gandolf. Do you know who I would have sent into the forest to find him? George Michael. He can always find a man in the forest.
Kimmel
Today is the first day of spring. I filled my shorts with daffodils to celebrate. Didn’t Al Gore say we’re all going to die by spring?
"Dancing With the Stars” is back. Fifteen million people watched last night. At least 8 million of those people were watching in hopes that Heather Mills’ artificial leg would fly off. They say that her biggest threats to the competition are Joey Fatone and termites.
Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case where a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing a banner that said, "Bong Hits For Jesus” to school. The argument is whether the student’s right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed.
Leno
Jury selection began this week in the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector said the jury he would like to select is either the OJ jury or the Robert Blake jury.
As I’m sure you know, jury selection in Los Angeles is followed by a three part process. The bungling of the evidence, the acquittal, then the book by the defendant called, "If I Did It.”
If you are not familiar with the case, legendary music producer Phil Spector is accused of shooting an actress that he just met. When Robert Blake heard about this, he was horrified. He said, "Hey, at least I took mine to dinner first.”
On this date in 1847 Brigham Young married his 42nd wife. You know what he told a friend before he married his 42nd wife? "This is the one. Those other chicks were nothing. You, you’re special.”
Letterman
Adam Sandler filling in.
Unfortunately Dave is suffering from a stomach flu. A common side effect of Botox injections.
I’m not going to do topical jokes . . . I like President Bush; he’s a nice guy. He told me he saw "Water Boy” 28 times.
He said he saw "Click” 53 times. He asked me where he could buy a remote like that. One that could rewind about five years for him. That’s what he needs.
Conan
In Washington D.C. people want the attorney general to resign. Some republicans are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. The No. 1 candidate is Judge Judy.
Scientists say they are trying to develop a drug that eliminates memories of traumatic events.
The research is being funded by Star Jones’ husband.
In Hollywood the other night, the producer of "Girls Gone Wild” was spotted hanging out at a gay bar. Which explains the title of the new DVD, "Girls Gone Wild — At Least I thought They Were Girls; I Was Really Drunk.”
According to USA Today, Tom Cruise’s wedding was in an Italian castle. Well that inspired Elizabeth Hurley to marry in a British castle, and inspired Eva Longoria to book her wedding in French castle. Meanwhile Kirstie Allie is getting married at White Castle.
Ferguson
Tomorrow, for the first day of spring, Dunkin Donuts is giving away free iced coffee. So if you’re going to commit a crime, tomorrow would probably be the day.
Tara Reid is starting her own fast food restaurant. Great news for anyone who likes their food cheap and soaked in vodka.
That Boy Scout in North Carolina was rescued by a dog named Gandolf. Do you know who I would have sent into the forest to find him? George Michael. He can always find a man in the forest.
Kimmel
Today is the first day of spring. I filled my shorts with daffodils to celebrate. Didn’t Al Gore say we’re all going to die by spring?
"Dancing With the Stars” is back. Fifteen million people watched last night. At least 8 million of those people were watching in hopes that Heather Mills’ artificial leg would fly off. They say that her biggest threats to the competition are Joey Fatone and termites.
Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case where a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing a banner that said, "Bong Hits For Jesus” to school. The argument is whether the student’s right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed.
