Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It’s chilly here. But it’s terrible weather back East. Another massive snowstorm has hit the Northeast . . . Or, as environmentalists call it, a "temporary global warming hiatus."
In fact, it was so cold in New York City, the rats at KFC were sitting under the heat lamps.
Over the weekend, a hundred thousand US Airways passengers were stranded. Not because of the storm; it was St. Patrick’s Day, and the pilots were all drunk.
Hillary Clinton announced that the vast right-wing conspiracy is back. Or maybe she said the vast right wing conspiracy is "Barack.”
Letterman
Do you watch Jeopardy? Guess what happened. For the first time in history, they had a three-way tie. Now it’s going to be decided by the Supreme Court.
Alex Trebek, the host of the show, was so stunned, he shaved his head and entered rehab.
Here’s a creepy story. A guy is flying on a long flight. Six-hour flight, British Airways. Half way through the flight, he realizes the person sitting next to him is dead. Long flight. Six hours. Person in the seat next to him, dead. I say, Hey, count your blessings.
And this morning, out of habit, JetBlue apologized.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much College Basketball
10. To get in the mood, you ask your wife to dress like Billy Packer
9. Human resources asks you to stop handchecking co-workers
8. When announcer says Butler guard A.J. Graves averages 2.4 rebounds per game, you mutter, "It's 2.3, moron"
7. Recently hired a guy to mop up your sweat
6. Your kids are seeded according to how much you love them
5. In honor of Texas A&M, you name your triplets "A," "M," and "Ampersand"
4. Checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day "nacho cheese" habit
3. In a pinch, you ask, "What would UNLV assistant coach Greg Grensing do?"
2. The nagging voice in your head saying, "Cheney and I should really be focusing on Iraq"
1. Difficult to tell where your ass ends and the couch begins
Conan
The world’s largest airliner flew from Europe to New York today. The plane is so big, it can carry 500 passengers . . . or 80 Americans.
Hooters is in the news. Hooters announced it’s opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "As far as I’m concerned, Hooters is the holy land.”
Al Sharpton and Barack Obama spoke on the phone for about five minutes yesterday. They have reportedly put their differences behind them. Which means Obama can get back to running for president, and Sharpton can get back to whatever the hell it is that he does.
Ferguson
The new super jumbo jet landed here today. Huge, big jumbo jet. It’s an Airbus A380, it’s called. Doubledecker plane with a wingspan of the size of a football field. JetBlue has its own version of the Airbus. It doesn’t leave the ground. It’s just called a bus.
I had a great weekend. I was doing standup in Birmingham Ala. I was expecting banjos and all sorts, but it’s not. People in L.A. think Alabama is somehow related to Barack Obama. They’ve got no idea!
In Alabama, I was in this comedy club called the Star Dome. A planetary-themed comedy club. Which is very convenient. My act involves a lot of jokes about Uranus . . . I can just point.
Leno
It’s chilly here. But it’s terrible weather back East. Another massive snowstorm has hit the Northeast . . . Or, as environmentalists call it, a "temporary global warming hiatus."
In fact, it was so cold in New York City, the rats at KFC were sitting under the heat lamps.
Over the weekend, a hundred thousand US Airways passengers were stranded. Not because of the storm; it was St. Patrick’s Day, and the pilots were all drunk.
Hillary Clinton announced that the vast right-wing conspiracy is back. Or maybe she said the vast right wing conspiracy is "Barack.”
Letterman
Do you watch Jeopardy? Guess what happened. For the first time in history, they had a three-way tie. Now it’s going to be decided by the Supreme Court.
Alex Trebek, the host of the show, was so stunned, he shaved his head and entered rehab.
Here’s a creepy story. A guy is flying on a long flight. Six-hour flight, British Airways. Half way through the flight, he realizes the person sitting next to him is dead. Long flight. Six hours. Person in the seat next to him, dead. I say, Hey, count your blessings.
And this morning, out of habit, JetBlue apologized.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much College Basketball
10. To get in the mood, you ask your wife to dress like Billy Packer
9. Human resources asks you to stop handchecking co-workers
8. When announcer says Butler guard A.J. Graves averages 2.4 rebounds per game, you mutter, "It's 2.3, moron"
7. Recently hired a guy to mop up your sweat
6. Your kids are seeded according to how much you love them
5. In honor of Texas A&M, you name your triplets "A," "M," and "Ampersand"
4. Checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day "nacho cheese" habit
3. In a pinch, you ask, "What would UNLV assistant coach Greg Grensing do?"
2. The nagging voice in your head saying, "Cheney and I should really be focusing on Iraq"
1. Difficult to tell where your ass ends and the couch begins
Conan
The world’s largest airliner flew from Europe to New York today. The plane is so big, it can carry 500 passengers . . . or 80 Americans.
Hooters is in the news. Hooters announced it’s opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "As far as I’m concerned, Hooters is the holy land.”
Al Sharpton and Barack Obama spoke on the phone for about five minutes yesterday. They have reportedly put their differences behind them. Which means Obama can get back to running for president, and Sharpton can get back to whatever the hell it is that he does.
Ferguson
The new super jumbo jet landed here today. Huge, big jumbo jet. It’s an Airbus A380, it’s called. Doubledecker plane with a wingspan of the size of a football field. JetBlue has its own version of the Airbus. It doesn’t leave the ground. It’s just called a bus.
I had a great weekend. I was doing standup in Birmingham Ala. I was expecting banjos and all sorts, but it’s not. People in L.A. think Alabama is somehow related to Barack Obama. They’ve got no idea!
In Alabama, I was in this comedy club called the Star Dome. A planetary-themed comedy club. Which is very convenient. My act involves a lot of jokes about Uranus . . . I can just point.
