Thursday, March 22, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming.
While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet . . . except Florida. He’s still a little upset.
This week marks the four-year anniversary of the war in Iraq. Former President Bill Clinton said, "I can’t think of any sadder anniversary — except my own.”
Last week a dead passenger was upgraded to first class on a British Airways flight. That’s one of the perks of being Keith Richards.
Letterman
Today is the first day of spring. Today is the day that the city takes off the manhole covers and puts in the screens.
Here’s the kind of thing that only happens only in New York. There’s a restaurant in New York City that’s selling a pizza. The price of the pizza: $1,000. Here’s what you get: caviar on the pizza, lobster, and a hat that reads, "Dumbass.”
Congratulations to Regis Philbin, who’s on the mend. He had surgery; it was a complete success. Everything is fine. And here’s the good part: Regis is no longer trapped in a man’s body.
Conan
Yesterday on the "Today” show, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn’t care what Rush Limbaugh says, because Rush Limbaugh is "irrelevant." Arnold stated pronouncing irrelevant on the "Today” show and finished pronouncing it on the "Nightly News.”
Big news: Carl Rove was subpoenaed today. President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, "I’m, all for him talking, as long as he doesn’t have to tell the truth.”
The world’s biggest airliner made history this week, by flying from Europe to New York. It’s a doubledecker that seats 550 passengers. The flight was also historic because it’s the first time 550 people watched the movie "Deuce Bigelow, American Gigolo.”
The state of Florida is funding an antigravity classroom, that allows students to experience weightlessness. Not surprisingly in the antigravity classroom the American kids still weigh 160 pounds.
Ferguson
Today is the official first day of spring. Did I mention I’m divorced? Twice! Once it might be 50-50; twice, it’s me.
Spring — a young man’s thoughts turn to love. As opposed to the rest of the year when a young man’s thoughts are about church, math . . .
The true mark of spring is the March Madness basketball tournament. I noticed about college basketball, that when there are players that don’t earn any money they try harder!
Sports analysts say that basketball has gotten better since the NBA instituted the 19-year-old [players] rule. You know who introduced that? R. Kelley.
Kimmel
Spring is here, flowers are in bloom, really the only dark cloud hanging over us now, is a young man named Sanjaya [on American Idol]. Our nation’s deepest fears were realized tonight when his fans, the "San-ginas," came thought for him.
He wasn’t even in the bottom three. He wasn’t voted off! They voted Bucky Covington off again, and he wasn’t even on the show!
I found out in his native tongue, his name means, "My ears are bleeding.”
Rosie really ripped into Elizabeth Hasselbeck yesterday. Elizabeth is the only conservative on the show — at least I think she is, it’s hard to tell, because every time she speaks Rosie shouts her down. They should change the name to "Rosie’s View.”
Leno
It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming.
While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet . . . except Florida. He’s still a little upset.
This week marks the four-year anniversary of the war in Iraq. Former President Bill Clinton said, "I can’t think of any sadder anniversary — except my own.”
Last week a dead passenger was upgraded to first class on a British Airways flight. That’s one of the perks of being Keith Richards.
Letterman
Today is the first day of spring. Today is the day that the city takes off the manhole covers and puts in the screens.
Here’s the kind of thing that only happens only in New York. There’s a restaurant in New York City that’s selling a pizza. The price of the pizza: $1,000. Here’s what you get: caviar on the pizza, lobster, and a hat that reads, "Dumbass.”
Congratulations to Regis Philbin, who’s on the mend. He had surgery; it was a complete success. Everything is fine. And here’s the good part: Regis is no longer trapped in a man’s body.
Conan
Yesterday on the "Today” show, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn’t care what Rush Limbaugh says, because Rush Limbaugh is "irrelevant." Arnold stated pronouncing irrelevant on the "Today” show and finished pronouncing it on the "Nightly News.”
Big news: Carl Rove was subpoenaed today. President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, "I’m, all for him talking, as long as he doesn’t have to tell the truth.”
The world’s biggest airliner made history this week, by flying from Europe to New York. It’s a doubledecker that seats 550 passengers. The flight was also historic because it’s the first time 550 people watched the movie "Deuce Bigelow, American Gigolo.”
The state of Florida is funding an antigravity classroom, that allows students to experience weightlessness. Not surprisingly in the antigravity classroom the American kids still weigh 160 pounds.
Ferguson
Today is the official first day of spring. Did I mention I’m divorced? Twice! Once it might be 50-50; twice, it’s me.
Spring — a young man’s thoughts turn to love. As opposed to the rest of the year when a young man’s thoughts are about church, math . . .
The true mark of spring is the March Madness basketball tournament. I noticed about college basketball, that when there are players that don’t earn any money they try harder!
Sports analysts say that basketball has gotten better since the NBA instituted the 19-year-old [players] rule. You know who introduced that? R. Kelley.
Kimmel
Spring is here, flowers are in bloom, really the only dark cloud hanging over us now, is a young man named Sanjaya [on American Idol]. Our nation’s deepest fears were realized tonight when his fans, the "San-ginas," came thought for him.
He wasn’t even in the bottom three. He wasn’t voted off! They voted Bucky Covington off again, and he wasn’t even on the show!
I found out in his native tongue, his name means, "My ears are bleeding.”
Rosie really ripped into Elizabeth Hasselbeck yesterday. Elizabeth is the only conservative on the show — at least I think she is, it’s hard to tell, because every time she speaks Rosie shouts her down. They should change the name to "Rosie’s View.”
