Friday, March 23, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Did you watch American Idol last night? Sanjaya was not eliminated. Did you know that Sanjaya is an ancient Indian name meaning "William Hung.” Did you know that?
Al Gore returned to Congress. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. I think the rock star was Meat Loaf.
Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue it should be a moral issue. And Congress said, "A moral issue? I’m sorry you lost us there.”
Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried.
Conan
A Gore testified yesterday about global warming. Al Gore told members of Congress that, "The planet has a fever, and it needs a doctor.” When they heard this, members of Congress said,
"Yeah. You won an Oscar for this?”
Sources at the Pentagon say several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. That’s right. Because Americans only want two things from Iraq: a central stable government and affordable quality men’s wear.
Britney Spears has agreed to give estranged husband Kevin Federline $20 million in a divorce settlement. Apparently Federline will get $2 million in cash and the rest in beef jerky.
Baseball spring training underway. Players on the San Francisco Giants don’t mind playing with Barry Bonds, because they’re hoping some of his greatness will rub off on them. Either that or they’re hoping Bonds will inject some of his greatness into their biceps.
Kimmel
I’m on top of the world right now. First of all, I‘m in third place in our NCAA pool here at the office; I have $500 riding on Ian Ziering from "Dancing With the Stars," and this is the first of five consecutive nights without Sanjaya. No Sanjaya on television.
The No. 1 topic here in the office is still Sanjaya. Sanjaya is the kid everyone hates from American Idol. I learned something interesting about him last night: He’s a boy!
We have something weird going on here. For the last three days there have been flies all over our studios. House flies. Landing on me, landing on guests. It turns out to save money, we built the set out of roast beef, which I didn’t know. The flies are feasting. They fly right to the camera. They’re like little Al Sharptons. Every time they see a camera, there they are.
We’ve had to get a "swat” team.
Leno
Did you watch American Idol last night? Sanjaya was not eliminated. Did you know that Sanjaya is an ancient Indian name meaning "William Hung.” Did you know that?
Al Gore returned to Congress. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. I think the rock star was Meat Loaf.
Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue it should be a moral issue. And Congress said, "A moral issue? I’m sorry you lost us there.”
Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried.
Conan
A Gore testified yesterday about global warming. Al Gore told members of Congress that, "The planet has a fever, and it needs a doctor.” When they heard this, members of Congress said,
"Yeah. You won an Oscar for this?”
Sources at the Pentagon say several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. That’s right. Because Americans only want two things from Iraq: a central stable government and affordable quality men’s wear.
Britney Spears has agreed to give estranged husband Kevin Federline $20 million in a divorce settlement. Apparently Federline will get $2 million in cash and the rest in beef jerky.
Baseball spring training underway. Players on the San Francisco Giants don’t mind playing with Barry Bonds, because they’re hoping some of his greatness will rub off on them. Either that or they’re hoping Bonds will inject some of his greatness into their biceps.
Kimmel
I’m on top of the world right now. First of all, I‘m in third place in our NCAA pool here at the office; I have $500 riding on Ian Ziering from "Dancing With the Stars," and this is the first of five consecutive nights without Sanjaya. No Sanjaya on television.
The No. 1 topic here in the office is still Sanjaya. Sanjaya is the kid everyone hates from American Idol. I learned something interesting about him last night: He’s a boy!
We have something weird going on here. For the last three days there have been flies all over our studios. House flies. Landing on me, landing on guests. It turns out to save money, we built the set out of roast beef, which I didn’t know. The flies are feasting. They fly right to the camera. They’re like little Al Sharptons. Every time they see a camera, there they are.
We’ve had to get a "swat” team.
