Saturday, March 3, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of rap music. Sales of rap music down 21 percent this past year. A lot of rappers have had to cut back on their lifestyle. Rappers now have to choose between bitches or hos. They can’t have both.
A lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They’re going with aluminum siding…it’s cheaper.
KFC has a new slogan: We do chicken RAT.
KFC is now giving out action figures in their buckets of chicken. See here? It’s the Orkin Man action figure.
Letterman
Today is the 74th anniversary of the movie "King Kong.” It’s a story about a woman who becomes involved with creature from another species. And that wouldn’t happen again until Maria Shriver met Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Guess what’s back in New York City? Beavers. Beavers back in New York City. It’s an infestation of beavers. It’s so bad, they’re thinking about bringing in Dick Cheney.
Apparently, the beavers didn’t just get here. They’ve been here quite a while. One has been living for years on the head of Donald Trump.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make The Grammy Awards More Exciting
10. One Grammy is full of angry yellow jackets
9. Less Rascal, more Flatts
8. Give a Grammy to the artist whose CD is easiest to open . . . Am I right people?
7. Michael Richards hands out Rap and Hip Hop awards
6. My steamy kiss with Madonna re-enacted by Justin Timberlake and Ludacris
5. Announce Academy Award winners
4. Performance by Dennis Kucinich
3. Put another "m" in "Grammy"
2. Satellite hookup to any winners who are currently incarcerated
1. Special Grammy award to the presenter not wearing underpants
Conan
Paris Hilton’s in trouble. Paris Hilton violated her parole this week, and as a result she could get three months in prison. When asked about it, Paris said she’s hoping ot get off . . . and she’s also hoping to avoid prison.
The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said "we had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.”
Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will replace the old customer classifications: teeth, or no teeth.
Angelina Jolie announced she is now adopting a Vietnamese baby. When reached for comment, Jolie said, "Only three more countries to go.”
Ferguson
It’s been a crazy week. The Oscars started on Sunday, finished on Monday . . .
The stock market has gone up and down more than George Michael in a forest.
I have gone green in my middle age. I’m green and Scottish. I’m Shrek!
Kimmel
Crazy day today. We had a car chase. We have a lot of car chases here in L.A. It’s actually encouraged by police. They say, either pull over or run as fast as you can.
Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese boy. She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, she gave birth to a third child in Namibia, now she’s getting a child from Vietnam. She’s working her way down the alphabet. She’s at "v” now. Stay cool Yemen; she’s coming.
What’s odd is, Brad Pitt is not listed on the adoption papers. Angelina filed to adopt as a single parent, which has raised questions as to whether or not their marriage is in trouble. It isn’t. There’s a very simple explanation: For Christmas, Brad signed Angelina up for the Orphan of the Month Club. March is the Vietnamese baby.
Leno
The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of rap music. Sales of rap music down 21 percent this past year. A lot of rappers have had to cut back on their lifestyle. Rappers now have to choose between bitches or hos. They can’t have both.
A lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They’re going with aluminum siding…it’s cheaper.
KFC has a new slogan: We do chicken RAT.
KFC is now giving out action figures in their buckets of chicken. See here? It’s the Orkin Man action figure.
Letterman
Today is the 74th anniversary of the movie "King Kong.” It’s a story about a woman who becomes involved with creature from another species. And that wouldn’t happen again until Maria Shriver met Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Guess what’s back in New York City? Beavers. Beavers back in New York City. It’s an infestation of beavers. It’s so bad, they’re thinking about bringing in Dick Cheney.
Apparently, the beavers didn’t just get here. They’ve been here quite a while. One has been living for years on the head of Donald Trump.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make The Grammy Awards More Exciting
10. One Grammy is full of angry yellow jackets
9. Less Rascal, more Flatts
8. Give a Grammy to the artist whose CD is easiest to open . . . Am I right people?
7. Michael Richards hands out Rap and Hip Hop awards
6. My steamy kiss with Madonna re-enacted by Justin Timberlake and Ludacris
5. Announce Academy Award winners
4. Performance by Dennis Kucinich
3. Put another "m" in "Grammy"
2. Satellite hookup to any winners who are currently incarcerated
1. Special Grammy award to the presenter not wearing underpants
Conan
Paris Hilton’s in trouble. Paris Hilton violated her parole this week, and as a result she could get three months in prison. When asked about it, Paris said she’s hoping ot get off . . . and she’s also hoping to avoid prison.
The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said "we had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.”
Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will replace the old customer classifications: teeth, or no teeth.
Angelina Jolie announced she is now adopting a Vietnamese baby. When reached for comment, Jolie said, "Only three more countries to go.”
Ferguson
It’s been a crazy week. The Oscars started on Sunday, finished on Monday . . .
The stock market has gone up and down more than George Michael in a forest.
I have gone green in my middle age. I’m green and Scottish. I’m Shrek!
Kimmel
Crazy day today. We had a car chase. We have a lot of car chases here in L.A. It’s actually encouraged by police. They say, either pull over or run as fast as you can.
Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese boy. She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, she gave birth to a third child in Namibia, now she’s getting a child from Vietnam. She’s working her way down the alphabet. She’s at "v” now. Stay cool Yemen; she’s coming.
What’s odd is, Brad Pitt is not listed on the adoption papers. Angelina filed to adopt as a single parent, which has raised questions as to whether or not their marriage is in trouble. It isn’t. There’s a very simple explanation: For Christmas, Brad signed Angelina up for the Orphan of the Month Club. March is the Vietnamese baby.
