Thursday, February 15, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day
10."Ted, meet Carl - he's going to be joining us this evening"
9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "
8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"
7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"
6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"
5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"
4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"
3. "We'll do something in a couple of days - it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetary"
1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"
Leno
Valentine’s Day is the day you should be with the person you love the most. I understand Simon Cowell spent the day alone.
This doctor said that it’s not a good idea to give chocolate to a girl with PMS, because it makes the condition worse. On the other hand, it’s even more dangerous trying to take chocolate away from a woman with PMS.
The FAA very close now to raising the retirement age of pilots. That means pretty soon astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers.
In Northern Japan, fast food restaurants are now serving whale burgers. Whale burgers. As opposed to here in America where we serve whales burgers.
Letterman
Lotta snow here in New York. I was walking though Times Square today, and I saw a tourist shoveling a path to a hooker.
It was so cold Rosie O’Donnell started a feud with Punxsutawney Phil.
Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine’s candy. It’s tremendous. It’s white chocolate with a nut inside.
Conan
Happy Valentine’s Day! New York’s health commissioner marked Valentine’s Day by unveiling a new line of New York City condoms. The New York condoms come in two sizes: Empire State Building and Little Italy.
The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone your love is worth $3.99.
Starting today, Britain became the first country in Europe to sell Viagra over the counter. However, British citizens will still need a prescription to purchase toothpaste or floss.
Ferguson
It’s Valentine’s Day; so if you’re up watching me, something’s gone terrible wrong and I’m sorry.
The Westminster Dog Show crowned a new champion. The name of the dog is James. He’s a 6-year-old Springer Spaniel. I’m not sure what a Springer Spaniel is . . . I think it’s a cross between a cocker spaniel and Jerry Springer.
Now that it's done this, it is retiring . . . it plans to spend the rest of its days doing nothing, lying around breeding with bitches. Kinda like the dog is now K-Fed.
In schools now, all the kids have to give Valentines to all the other kids so nobody feels left out. I don’t get that. You’re just delaying the disappointment to later in life.
Kimmel
The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue came out today. Some people are upset that Beyonce is on the cover because she has nothing to do with sports. What was Heidi Klum, power forward for the Atlanta Hawks?
Anna Nicole Smith passed away over the weekend. It hasn’t gotten so much attention which is surprising. Actually it’s been getting more attention than James Brown, President Ford, and Barbaro combined. Five different guys are rumored to be the father of her child. One of them has been dead for like 15 years, one of them is a prince married to Zsa Zsa Gabor . . . seriously!
They published photographs of the inside of this woman’s refrigerator. There were prescription drugs in there and about six cans of SlimFast. You know Anna Nicole did commercials for Trim Spa. The man who runs Trim Spa said, "I was pretty shocked and concerned. I questioned Howard about it. Howard said absolutely she never took Slim Fast.” Oh well, thank God. Given that your spokesmodel just died of unknown causes, wouldn’t it maybe be a good thing if she wasn’t using your products?
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day
10."Ted, meet Carl - he's going to be joining us this evening"
9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "
8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"
7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"
6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"
5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"
4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"
3. "We'll do something in a couple of days - it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetary"
1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"
Leno
Valentine’s Day is the day you should be with the person you love the most. I understand Simon Cowell spent the day alone.
This doctor said that it’s not a good idea to give chocolate to a girl with PMS, because it makes the condition worse. On the other hand, it’s even more dangerous trying to take chocolate away from a woman with PMS.
The FAA very close now to raising the retirement age of pilots. That means pretty soon astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers.
In Northern Japan, fast food restaurants are now serving whale burgers. Whale burgers. As opposed to here in America where we serve whales burgers.
Letterman
Lotta snow here in New York. I was walking though Times Square today, and I saw a tourist shoveling a path to a hooker.
It was so cold Rosie O’Donnell started a feud with Punxsutawney Phil.
Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine’s candy. It’s tremendous. It’s white chocolate with a nut inside.
Conan
Happy Valentine’s Day! New York’s health commissioner marked Valentine’s Day by unveiling a new line of New York City condoms. The New York condoms come in two sizes: Empire State Building and Little Italy.
The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone your love is worth $3.99.
Starting today, Britain became the first country in Europe to sell Viagra over the counter. However, British citizens will still need a prescription to purchase toothpaste or floss.
Ferguson
It’s Valentine’s Day; so if you’re up watching me, something’s gone terrible wrong and I’m sorry.
The Westminster Dog Show crowned a new champion. The name of the dog is James. He’s a 6-year-old Springer Spaniel. I’m not sure what a Springer Spaniel is . . . I think it’s a cross between a cocker spaniel and Jerry Springer.
Now that it's done this, it is retiring . . . it plans to spend the rest of its days doing nothing, lying around breeding with bitches. Kinda like the dog is now K-Fed.
In schools now, all the kids have to give Valentines to all the other kids so nobody feels left out. I don’t get that. You’re just delaying the disappointment to later in life.
Kimmel
The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue came out today. Some people are upset that Beyonce is on the cover because she has nothing to do with sports. What was Heidi Klum, power forward for the Atlanta Hawks?
Anna Nicole Smith passed away over the weekend. It hasn’t gotten so much attention which is surprising. Actually it’s been getting more attention than James Brown, President Ford, and Barbaro combined. Five different guys are rumored to be the father of her child. One of them has been dead for like 15 years, one of them is a prince married to Zsa Zsa Gabor . . . seriously!
They published photographs of the inside of this woman’s refrigerator. There were prescription drugs in there and about six cans of SlimFast. You know Anna Nicole did commercials for Trim Spa. The man who runs Trim Spa said, "I was pretty shocked and concerned. I questioned Howard about it. Howard said absolutely she never took Slim Fast.” Oh well, thank God. Given that your spokesmodel just died of unknown causes, wouldn’t it maybe be a good thing if she wasn’t using your products?
