Friday, February 16, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten JetBlue Excuses
10. 10-hour delay? Hey, that's actually pretty good for us
9. It could have been worse . . . No, wait, it couldn't
8. We don't have an excuse right now, but sit here for ten hours while we come up with one
7. Hey, it takes that long to open a bag of airline peanuts, am I right, ladies and gentleman?
6. You gotta admit, after 6 hours, it became a little funny
5. It's still better than flying Delta
4. There was a monster on the wing!!!
3. (No number 3 — writer still stuck on the plane)
2. Who could leave New York in the middle of Ventriloquist Week?
1. Pilots too drunk to fly
Leno
Presidential candidate Tom Vilsack . . . not a lot of name recognition. I don’t want to say that Tom is unknown, but his secret service codename is Tom Vilsack.
Be honest. Before you came here today, how many had heard the name Vilsack? How many thought it was a pickle?
Al-Qaida released another video tape from their No. 2 man. This one had a shocking revelation: "The great Satan will soon taste unspeakable suffering from our hands . . . Oh, and by the way, I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.”
Not to make light of this poor woman’s death. Now Anna Nicole Smith’s bodyguard is the fifth person to claim he might be the father. With five people claiming to be the father, I don’t think he was a very good bodyguard.
Letterman
It’s cold again today. It’s so cold Hillary Clinton changed her pantsuit for a snow suit.
It’s so cold New York Nicks fans stayed for a whole game.
It’s so cold passengers didn’t want to get off their JetBlue airplane.
I don’t even know why I try. My Valentine’s dinner was very embarrassing. My date, after dinner, went around the bar handing out her card.
Ferguson
A great day for America, not such a great day for NASCAR. A bunch of drivers have been fined for putting jet fuel in their cars. That’s the equivalent of steroids in NASCAR. It’s very easy to tell which cars are on these steroids. They’re the ones with the shrunken ball bearings.
Not a good day if you’re a JetBlue passenger either. The passenger were stuck on this plane for 10 hours. It must have been awful. Smelly, cramped space with hundreds of people trying to get out. That’s terrible! That’s like last night’s audience in here.
I was reading about this self help book, "The Secret,” written by an Australian reality producer. Who knows more about spiritual principles than an Australian reality TV producer? One fan of the book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her acupuncture business. I’m thinking, "Who’s going to go see a panicky acupuncturist?”
Kimmel
It’s hard to believe the No. 1 story, bigger than Iraq, Iran, the social life of Britney Spears, is still Anna Nicole Smith. CNN has officially changed their name this week to CN-Anna.
The list of potential fathers for Anna’s 5-month-old baby girl continues to grow. Howard K. Stern the lawyer, her ex-boyfriend, this guy Larry Burkhead . . . her former bodyguard, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband . . . Maury Povich really is going to have his work cut pout for him.
And you can never totally rule Kevin Federline out.
A former athlete, retired basketball player Tim Hardaway, has been banned from all future NBA related appearances after announcing that he hates gay people. Surprising talk coming from a player known for his ball handling.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten JetBlue Excuses
10. 10-hour delay? Hey, that's actually pretty good for us
9. It could have been worse . . . No, wait, it couldn't
8. We don't have an excuse right now, but sit here for ten hours while we come up with one
7. Hey, it takes that long to open a bag of airline peanuts, am I right, ladies and gentleman?
6. You gotta admit, after 6 hours, it became a little funny
5. It's still better than flying Delta
4. There was a monster on the wing!!!
3. (No number 3 — writer still stuck on the plane)
2. Who could leave New York in the middle of Ventriloquist Week?
1. Pilots too drunk to fly
Leno
Presidential candidate Tom Vilsack . . . not a lot of name recognition. I don’t want to say that Tom is unknown, but his secret service codename is Tom Vilsack.
Be honest. Before you came here today, how many had heard the name Vilsack? How many thought it was a pickle?
Al-Qaida released another video tape from their No. 2 man. This one had a shocking revelation: "The great Satan will soon taste unspeakable suffering from our hands . . . Oh, and by the way, I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.”
Not to make light of this poor woman’s death. Now Anna Nicole Smith’s bodyguard is the fifth person to claim he might be the father. With five people claiming to be the father, I don’t think he was a very good bodyguard.
Letterman
It’s cold again today. It’s so cold Hillary Clinton changed her pantsuit for a snow suit.
It’s so cold New York Nicks fans stayed for a whole game.
It’s so cold passengers didn’t want to get off their JetBlue airplane.
I don’t even know why I try. My Valentine’s dinner was very embarrassing. My date, after dinner, went around the bar handing out her card.
Ferguson
A great day for America, not such a great day for NASCAR. A bunch of drivers have been fined for putting jet fuel in their cars. That’s the equivalent of steroids in NASCAR. It’s very easy to tell which cars are on these steroids. They’re the ones with the shrunken ball bearings.
Not a good day if you’re a JetBlue passenger either. The passenger were stuck on this plane for 10 hours. It must have been awful. Smelly, cramped space with hundreds of people trying to get out. That’s terrible! That’s like last night’s audience in here.
I was reading about this self help book, "The Secret,” written by an Australian reality producer. Who knows more about spiritual principles than an Australian reality TV producer? One fan of the book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her acupuncture business. I’m thinking, "Who’s going to go see a panicky acupuncturist?”
Kimmel
It’s hard to believe the No. 1 story, bigger than Iraq, Iran, the social life of Britney Spears, is still Anna Nicole Smith. CNN has officially changed their name this week to CN-Anna.
The list of potential fathers for Anna’s 5-month-old baby girl continues to grow. Howard K. Stern the lawyer, her ex-boyfriend, this guy Larry Burkhead . . . her former bodyguard, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband . . . Maury Povich really is going to have his work cut pout for him.
And you can never totally rule Kevin Federline out.
A former athlete, retired basketball player Tim Hardaway, has been banned from all future NBA related appearances after announcing that he hates gay people. Surprising talk coming from a player known for his ball handling.
