Saturday, February 24, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman
On this day in 1902, they invented the vacuum cleaner. The only thing that’s sucked longer is the Nicks.
How about Al Gore? "An Inconvenient Truth" has been nominated for an Academy Award. Two as a matter of fact. It’s all about the environment. And I can’t think of anything better for the environment than an event that features 2,000 stretch limousines.
Expect a lot of new faces at the Academy Awards. Not a lot of new people, but a lot of new faces.
Conan
Yesterday at a political rally, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain a great senator and a very good friend. Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it's so much easier to pronounce than "Giuliani.”
The furniture chain Ikea announced that it is going to start charging customers for plastic bags at the check-out counter. The Ikea bags will come in two sizes: "Glooken” and "Sven."
Paris Hilton threw herself a birthday party this week, and she brought two dates. Which explains why Paris told her guests, "No cake for me; I had a sandwich in the car."
Ferguson
It is Dakota Fanning’s birthday today! Wee Dakota, she’s 13 today! Thirteen! Which is 52 in Hollywood years.
In Costa Rica, a bunch of muggers attacked a group of elderly American tourists. The American senior citizens beat the muggers up. That’s the last time anyone messes with the Golden Girls, I’ll tell ya that.
That’s an amazing story I think. An old person beating the crap out of someone. It’s a great idea for a movie. Wait — Sylvester Stallone just made that movie.
Do you know what gets me? At the Academy Awards —they always get overlooked . . . comedies. That Borat movie. Sacha Cohen had to roll around with a naked fat guy! That is not how you get an Oscar in Hollywood. That’s how you get the job in Hollywood.
Kimmel
This whole neighborhood is swarming with Oscar security. I had to actually catapult into work this morning. The confiscated my Chinese throwing stars!
The Anna Nicole Smith hearing came to a close yesterday, or so we thought. Even though the judge ruled the guardian of Anna Nicole’s child will decide where the body’s going to be buried, her mother is now appealiong that decision because she still wants the body to be buried in Texas. This may be crude, but isn’t the simplest way of settling this to send half the body to Texas and half to the Bahamas?
Tom Vilsack pulled out of the presidential race today. I don’t know who he is either, but
Letterman
On this day in 1902, they invented the vacuum cleaner. The only thing that’s sucked longer is the Nicks.
How about Al Gore? "An Inconvenient Truth" has been nominated for an Academy Award. Two as a matter of fact. It’s all about the environment. And I can’t think of anything better for the environment than an event that features 2,000 stretch limousines.
Expect a lot of new faces at the Academy Awards. Not a lot of new people, but a lot of new faces.
Conan
Yesterday at a political rally, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain a great senator and a very good friend. Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it's so much easier to pronounce than "Giuliani.”
The furniture chain Ikea announced that it is going to start charging customers for plastic bags at the check-out counter. The Ikea bags will come in two sizes: "Glooken” and "Sven."
Paris Hilton threw herself a birthday party this week, and she brought two dates. Which explains why Paris told her guests, "No cake for me; I had a sandwich in the car."
Ferguson
It is Dakota Fanning’s birthday today! Wee Dakota, she’s 13 today! Thirteen! Which is 52 in Hollywood years.
In Costa Rica, a bunch of muggers attacked a group of elderly American tourists. The American senior citizens beat the muggers up. That’s the last time anyone messes with the Golden Girls, I’ll tell ya that.
That’s an amazing story I think. An old person beating the crap out of someone. It’s a great idea for a movie. Wait — Sylvester Stallone just made that movie.
Do you know what gets me? At the Academy Awards —they always get overlooked . . . comedies. That Borat movie. Sacha Cohen had to roll around with a naked fat guy! That is not how you get an Oscar in Hollywood. That’s how you get the job in Hollywood.
Kimmel
This whole neighborhood is swarming with Oscar security. I had to actually catapult into work this morning. The confiscated my Chinese throwing stars!
The Anna Nicole Smith hearing came to a close yesterday, or so we thought. Even though the judge ruled the guardian of Anna Nicole’s child will decide where the body’s going to be buried, her mother is now appealiong that decision because she still wants the body to be buried in Texas. This may be crude, but isn’t the simplest way of settling this to send half the body to Texas and half to the Bahamas?
Tom Vilsack pulled out of the presidential race today. I don’t know who he is either, but
