Thursday, February 22, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman
Here’s how warm it was today in New York City. Out at Kennedy Airport, delayed JetBlue passengers were actually sitting on the wing.
It was so warm today, that mummified guy out on Long Island was sitting on his porch.
It was so warm today that Britney Spears checked into a Ben & Jerry’s.
The real test for that mummified guy comes on Sunday. We’ll see if he can make it through the Academy Awards.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating Peanut Butter
10. "If I die, will I stick to the roof of the coffin?"
9. "Do I really want the word 'chunky' in my obituary?"
8. "How can I get salmonella when I didn't even order the salmon?"
7. "Is this what killed the mummified guy in Long Island?"
6. "Should I just stick with the tainted spinach?"
5. (No number 5 — writer sick from bad peanut butter)
4. "What would Britney do?"
3. "Does Smuckers make an antibiotic jelly?"
2. "What will my kids say when they learn their father was killed by Peter Pan?"
1. "How can I blame JetBlue for this?"
Conan
Jet Blue has apologized now for stranding thousands of passengers and today, Jet Blue's president introduced a passenger bill of rights. First on the list is "You have the right to fly Delta and United.”
The White House denied an assertion by Sen. Harry Reid that the Iraq war is the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history. The White House said, "You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.”
Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded.
Ferguson
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama held a big fund raiser here last night. Everyone was there; Spielberg was there; Clooney was there; Anniston was there . . . I was unable to make it. I understand why a presidential hopeful would want Hollywood support. It’s crucial; you’re gonna need it. Let’s not forget Barbra Streisand almost single-handedly put President Kerry in the White House.
There’s a lot of buzz about Barack Obama. There was a lot of buzz about "Snakes in a Plane” as well.
Barack Obama has admitted smoking pot and doing cocaine. He’s admitted it! You’re gonna need a squeeky clean record to get elected. George W. Bush would never have been elected if he had ever done cocaine . . .
Kimmel
Today is Ash Wednesday. Yesterday was Fat Tuesday. Tomorrow is fat ashy elbow Thursday.
Britney Spears has apparently given up rehab for Lent.
Some good news on disgraced Rev. Ted Haggert. Remember this guy? He resigned after America learned that he bought methamphetamines and had a lot of gay sex with a male prostitute. Two weeks ago he announced he is no longer gay. There’s been a lot of skepticism about this. He silenced critics today with the release of an incredible video tape. [Excerpt from tape] "It’s Ted Haggert as you’ve never seen him before. Straight! Watch the reverend prove his heterosexuality in 90 minutes of hot steamy reverend-on-wife action with absolutely no gayness! Just as the Lord intended.”
Letterman
Here’s how warm it was today in New York City. Out at Kennedy Airport, delayed JetBlue passengers were actually sitting on the wing.
It was so warm today, that mummified guy out on Long Island was sitting on his porch.
It was so warm today that Britney Spears checked into a Ben & Jerry’s.
The real test for that mummified guy comes on Sunday. We’ll see if he can make it through the Academy Awards.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating Peanut Butter
10. "If I die, will I stick to the roof of the coffin?"
9. "Do I really want the word 'chunky' in my obituary?"
8. "How can I get salmonella when I didn't even order the salmon?"
7. "Is this what killed the mummified guy in Long Island?"
6. "Should I just stick with the tainted spinach?"
5. (No number 5 — writer sick from bad peanut butter)
4. "What would Britney do?"
3. "Does Smuckers make an antibiotic jelly?"
2. "What will my kids say when they learn their father was killed by Peter Pan?"
1. "How can I blame JetBlue for this?"
Conan
Jet Blue has apologized now for stranding thousands of passengers and today, Jet Blue's president introduced a passenger bill of rights. First on the list is "You have the right to fly Delta and United.”
The White House denied an assertion by Sen. Harry Reid that the Iraq war is the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history. The White House said, "You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.”
Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded.
Ferguson
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama held a big fund raiser here last night. Everyone was there; Spielberg was there; Clooney was there; Anniston was there . . . I was unable to make it. I understand why a presidential hopeful would want Hollywood support. It’s crucial; you’re gonna need it. Let’s not forget Barbra Streisand almost single-handedly put President Kerry in the White House.
There’s a lot of buzz about Barack Obama. There was a lot of buzz about "Snakes in a Plane” as well.
Barack Obama has admitted smoking pot and doing cocaine. He’s admitted it! You’re gonna need a squeeky clean record to get elected. George W. Bush would never have been elected if he had ever done cocaine . . .
Kimmel
Today is Ash Wednesday. Yesterday was Fat Tuesday. Tomorrow is fat ashy elbow Thursday.
Britney Spears has apparently given up rehab for Lent.
Some good news on disgraced Rev. Ted Haggert. Remember this guy? He resigned after America learned that he bought methamphetamines and had a lot of gay sex with a male prostitute. Two weeks ago he announced he is no longer gay. There’s been a lot of skepticism about this. He silenced critics today with the release of an incredible video tape. [Excerpt from tape] "It’s Ted Haggert as you’ve never seen him before. Straight! Watch the reverend prove his heterosexuality in 90 minutes of hot steamy reverend-on-wife action with absolutely no gayness! Just as the Lord intended.”
