Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman
"Boy, it’s cold – cold over the weekend, cold today here in New York City. I’m telling you, that crazy astronaut – you know the crazy astronaut? So cold, she was wearing an electric diaper.But we’re not kidding around: here in New York state, they had as much as 11 feet of snow. Eleven feet of snow – that’s serious stuff. And ABC heard about this, they announced a brand-new show, ‘Shoveling with the Stars.’”
"While you were applauding, the Dixie Chicks won another Grammy. Folks happen to see the Grammy show last night on CBS? It was a – frankly, I thought it was a pretty dull show. And to kind of liven things up, Phil Spector came out and fired a couple of warning shots. But, seriously, what better place to broadcast the Grammys than right here on CBS, am I right, ladies and gentlemen? I mean, after all, it is the ‘Hip-Hop Network.’”
"You know, what started off today at Madison Square Garden? The dog show, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the 131st dog show – that’s 917 in dog years. There’s a big controversy already at the dog show. It hasn’t even started, it’s crazy. They disqualified a Yorkshire terrier – turns out it was just a blow-dried rat.”
"And, you know, it’s a busy time of the year here in New York City. Last week, it was Fashion Week, and this week it’s the big dog show. I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, we got bitches coming and going.”
Leno
Did you all watch the Grammys last night? Congratulations to the Dixie Chicks. They won five Grammys. I don’t want to say that President Bush was upset but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. I guess that only works once.
Al Gore thanked the music industry for helping to protect the environment. Really? I think Snoop Dogg alone has put enough smoke into the earth’s atmosphere to block out half the sunlight.
As you know, Al Gore has been nominated for two academy awards. But he has a bit of a problem, as far as transportation goes. He doesn’t want to ride there in a big car, and if you’ve seen al lately, he not longer fits in a small car. So unless hummer comes out with a hybrid in two weeks, he is screwed.
Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. As you know, Abraham once said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand.” A very famous quote. Later proved wrong by the Clintons, but still a famous quote.
In an interview with USA Today, Senator Barack Obama says the shortness of his political resume is his "greatest strength.” Politics is the only business where people brag about how little experience they have. Can you imagine guys saying to you, "Look, I’ve never been to medical school, I’ve never even watched E.R., but if you just let me try and do this brain operation I’ll do the best job I can.”
If Ralph Nader runs for president in 2008, he’ll make history. He’ll be the first person ever to run for president four times … in the same suit.
President Bush announced that next month he’s going on a five nation tour of Latin America. Then he'll come back home and decide which one to invade. You want to look at them all first.
Letterman
"Boy, it’s cold – cold over the weekend, cold today here in New York City. I’m telling you, that crazy astronaut – you know the crazy astronaut? So cold, she was wearing an electric diaper.But we’re not kidding around: here in New York state, they had as much as 11 feet of snow. Eleven feet of snow – that’s serious stuff. And ABC heard about this, they announced a brand-new show, ‘Shoveling with the Stars.’”
"While you were applauding, the Dixie Chicks won another Grammy. Folks happen to see the Grammy show last night on CBS? It was a – frankly, I thought it was a pretty dull show. And to kind of liven things up, Phil Spector came out and fired a couple of warning shots. But, seriously, what better place to broadcast the Grammys than right here on CBS, am I right, ladies and gentlemen? I mean, after all, it is the ‘Hip-Hop Network.’”
"You know, what started off today at Madison Square Garden? The dog show, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the 131st dog show – that’s 917 in dog years. There’s a big controversy already at the dog show. It hasn’t even started, it’s crazy. They disqualified a Yorkshire terrier – turns out it was just a blow-dried rat.”
"And, you know, it’s a busy time of the year here in New York City. Last week, it was Fashion Week, and this week it’s the big dog show. I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, we got bitches coming and going.”
Leno
Did you all watch the Grammys last night? Congratulations to the Dixie Chicks. They won five Grammys. I don’t want to say that President Bush was upset but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. I guess that only works once.
Al Gore thanked the music industry for helping to protect the environment. Really? I think Snoop Dogg alone has put enough smoke into the earth’s atmosphere to block out half the sunlight.
As you know, Al Gore has been nominated for two academy awards. But he has a bit of a problem, as far as transportation goes. He doesn’t want to ride there in a big car, and if you’ve seen al lately, he not longer fits in a small car. So unless hummer comes out with a hybrid in two weeks, he is screwed.
Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. As you know, Abraham once said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand.” A very famous quote. Later proved wrong by the Clintons, but still a famous quote.
In an interview with USA Today, Senator Barack Obama says the shortness of his political resume is his "greatest strength.” Politics is the only business where people brag about how little experience they have. Can you imagine guys saying to you, "Look, I’ve never been to medical school, I’ve never even watched E.R., but if you just let me try and do this brain operation I’ll do the best job I can.”
If Ralph Nader runs for president in 2008, he’ll make history. He’ll be the first person ever to run for president four times … in the same suit.
President Bush announced that next month he’s going on a five nation tour of Latin America. Then he'll come back home and decide which one to invade. You want to look at them all first.
