Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Well, the big story in the news is that Britney Spears shaved her head. Can you believe this? Legitimate news organizations are actually breaking into their Anna Nicole Smith coverage to tell you this.
Today in a Florida courtroom they held hearings for who will get possession of Anna Nicole Smith’s body. I think the judge is getting frustrated. He said if we can wrap this up quick, as a bonus, he’ll throw in James Brown’s body.
Hillary Clinton is being pressed on why she hasn’t apologized for voting in favor of the war in Iraq. This weekend, in reply to this, Hillary actually told voters who are upset about this "you have other choices.” Something, of course, Bill already knows.
This week marks the beginning of the Chinese year of the pig. So, guys, this is our year!
Letterman
This is a horrible story. This guy in Long Island is dead, and he’s been watching TV for a year, and the TV is still blaring away. The neighbors and friends first became suspicious when they realized he sat through an entire episode of Dr. Phil.
Do you have presidential fever? It’s not that far away, the 2008 presidential race. Today Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney, governor of Massachusetts and if he’s elected, the first president this country ‘s ever had named Mitt.. . . today, Mitt Romney was declared a safe alternative to Lunesta.
Here’s something ugly. In the year 2036, an asteroid’s gonna hit. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is, "Where is Superman?”
Conan
Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man.
One of the male contestants on "American Idol" is being criticized because he once posed nude for a magazine. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul is being criticized because she once posed nude for a shot of Jager.
This weekend President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as "the guy who invented the penny."
Ferguson
The presidential race is heating up. Hillary Clinton . . . if she gets elected some Democrats want Bill Clinton appointed to her Senate seat. I don’t think it’ll happen because when’s the last time Bill’s been interested in Hillary’s seat?
There’s an asteroid heading toward the earth and we’re all going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there’s a 1 in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036 . . . It sounds like that movie "Armageddon” with Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. This is what we should do. We’ll send Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis to blow up the asteroid. Even if they fail, at least they’re gone!
The asteroid is a giant rock. It’s headed toward the earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn’t send scissors; that would be impractical.
Kimmel
Britney has checked herself into rehab. She was driven there last night around midnight by her 18-month-old son Sean Preston.
The Anna Nicole Smith hearings continue in Florida. The judge is a real character. He seemed suspicious today of Anna’s former lawyer/lover, who knows what he is, Howard K. Stern and his relationship with the baby that he claims is his so, he asked the guy to write his alleged daughter’s name on an easel . It’s very interesting. Take a look: [Video of what Howard K. Stern wrote on the easel] "$5 million.”
Bad news for President Bush. You know he wants us to stay the course, but even our closest ally is saying no. Prime Minister Tony Blair today announced the withdrawal of 1,500 British troops and says that more than half could be pulled by the summer. Coincidentally the announcement comes the day after Prince Harry volunteered to go fight over in Iraq. Maybe that’s how to get our troops out, we send Billy Bush to Iraq!
Leno
Well, the big story in the news is that Britney Spears shaved her head. Can you believe this? Legitimate news organizations are actually breaking into their Anna Nicole Smith coverage to tell you this.
Today in a Florida courtroom they held hearings for who will get possession of Anna Nicole Smith’s body. I think the judge is getting frustrated. He said if we can wrap this up quick, as a bonus, he’ll throw in James Brown’s body.
Hillary Clinton is being pressed on why she hasn’t apologized for voting in favor of the war in Iraq. This weekend, in reply to this, Hillary actually told voters who are upset about this "you have other choices.” Something, of course, Bill already knows.
This week marks the beginning of the Chinese year of the pig. So, guys, this is our year!
Letterman
This is a horrible story. This guy in Long Island is dead, and he’s been watching TV for a year, and the TV is still blaring away. The neighbors and friends first became suspicious when they realized he sat through an entire episode of Dr. Phil.
Do you have presidential fever? It’s not that far away, the 2008 presidential race. Today Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney, governor of Massachusetts and if he’s elected, the first president this country ‘s ever had named Mitt.. . . today, Mitt Romney was declared a safe alternative to Lunesta.
Here’s something ugly. In the year 2036, an asteroid’s gonna hit. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is, "Where is Superman?”
Conan
Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man.
One of the male contestants on "American Idol" is being criticized because he once posed nude for a magazine. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul is being criticized because she once posed nude for a shot of Jager.
This weekend President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as "the guy who invented the penny."
Ferguson
The presidential race is heating up. Hillary Clinton . . . if she gets elected some Democrats want Bill Clinton appointed to her Senate seat. I don’t think it’ll happen because when’s the last time Bill’s been interested in Hillary’s seat?
There’s an asteroid heading toward the earth and we’re all going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there’s a 1 in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036 . . . It sounds like that movie "Armageddon” with Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. This is what we should do. We’ll send Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis to blow up the asteroid. Even if they fail, at least they’re gone!
The asteroid is a giant rock. It’s headed toward the earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn’t send scissors; that would be impractical.
Kimmel
Britney has checked herself into rehab. She was driven there last night around midnight by her 18-month-old son Sean Preston.
The Anna Nicole Smith hearings continue in Florida. The judge is a real character. He seemed suspicious today of Anna’s former lawyer/lover, who knows what he is, Howard K. Stern and his relationship with the baby that he claims is his so, he asked the guy to write his alleged daughter’s name on an easel . It’s very interesting. Take a look: [Video of what Howard K. Stern wrote on the easel] "$5 million.”
Bad news for President Bush. You know he wants us to stay the course, but even our closest ally is saying no. Prime Minister Tony Blair today announced the withdrawal of 1,500 British troops and says that more than half could be pulled by the summer. Coincidentally the announcement comes the day after Prince Harry volunteered to go fight over in Iraq. Maybe that’s how to get our troops out, we send Billy Bush to Iraq!
