Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Or as NASA astronauts call it, the busy season.
Well it’s happened again. Now another guy has stepped forward and says he may be the father of Anna Nicole’s money . . . I mean baby.
The cold weather continues back east. To give you an idea how cold it is in New York City, today Donald Trump’s hair went into hibernation.
The No. 1 movie at the box office is "Norbit.” Eddie Murphy plays a huge fat woman. Or as [Bill] Clinton calls the film, "Dreamgirls.”
Letterman
It was so cold today that the Ryan O’Neal family was hugging.
It was so cold the Dixie Chicks mouthed off to Al Roker.
I think everyone has Valentine’s Day fever. Hillary Clinton, for example, will be wearing her sexiest pant suit.
Conan
Yet another person running for president. Earlier today, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney announced he’s running for president. If he wins, he’ll be the first Mormon president. Apparently Romney plans on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them.
Yesterday at an international conference. An official from Cuba said that his country restricts use iof the Internet because it’s a "wild new technology.” Other wild new technologies in Cuba? The eight-track, the typewriter, and Tupperware.
This month a "Star Wars” memorabilia company started selling $120 replicas of Yoda’s light saber. After hearing about it, "Star Wars” fans said, "That’s ridiculous; for $120 we could lose our virginity.”
Everyone angry at Britney Spears these days. A prominent rabbi in California wrote a letter to Britney Spears where he tells her to start wearing underwear. The rabbi said, "At the very least, but a yamucah on that thing.”
Ferguson
Bad day for Britney Spears. A paparazzi photographer photographed the back seat of her car, and apparently the back seat was covered with vomit. I have an idea of what she was doing. She was getting out of her car, and she saw herself in the mirror, and she saw the Emmys that we all saw, and she had the reaction that all of America had.
Remember the group, The Police? They said, "We’re never going to get back together.” They announced their world tour today. People tend to be nostalgic for when they were in their early 20s. I am nostalgic for the 80s. There’s already a 90s, revival. Think about it: There’s a Bush in the White House; We’re at war with Iraq; Tupac has a new album out.
Bill Gates, the world’s richest man, the Microsoft man, he bought the Four Seasons today. Not the hotel chain, the actual seasons. It’s now Microsoft winter, Windows Spring, . . .
Kimmel
The NBA All-Star Game will be broadcast in something called HD, 3-D. It is 3-D, high-definition television. They’re saying that a couple of minutes into the second half, Ron Artest will actually come out of the set and punch you in the face.
Mitt Romney is now running on the Republican ticket. I really like his campaign slogan: "Mitt Happens.”
Al Gore is at it again. He was at The Grammys; he’ll be at the Oscars; and now he’s launching a series of concerts to benefit the fight against global warming. Its slogan? "Gorefest 2007. It’s hard-Gore.” I’m going to that! And I think I’m going to Obama-Palooza.”
Leno
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Or as NASA astronauts call it, the busy season.
Well it’s happened again. Now another guy has stepped forward and says he may be the father of Anna Nicole’s money . . . I mean baby.
The cold weather continues back east. To give you an idea how cold it is in New York City, today Donald Trump’s hair went into hibernation.
The No. 1 movie at the box office is "Norbit.” Eddie Murphy plays a huge fat woman. Or as [Bill] Clinton calls the film, "Dreamgirls.”
Letterman
It was so cold today that the Ryan O’Neal family was hugging.
It was so cold the Dixie Chicks mouthed off to Al Roker.
I think everyone has Valentine’s Day fever. Hillary Clinton, for example, will be wearing her sexiest pant suit.
Conan
Yet another person running for president. Earlier today, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney announced he’s running for president. If he wins, he’ll be the first Mormon president. Apparently Romney plans on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them.
Yesterday at an international conference. An official from Cuba said that his country restricts use iof the Internet because it’s a "wild new technology.” Other wild new technologies in Cuba? The eight-track, the typewriter, and Tupperware.
This month a "Star Wars” memorabilia company started selling $120 replicas of Yoda’s light saber. After hearing about it, "Star Wars” fans said, "That’s ridiculous; for $120 we could lose our virginity.”
Everyone angry at Britney Spears these days. A prominent rabbi in California wrote a letter to Britney Spears where he tells her to start wearing underwear. The rabbi said, "At the very least, but a yamucah on that thing.”
Ferguson
Bad day for Britney Spears. A paparazzi photographer photographed the back seat of her car, and apparently the back seat was covered with vomit. I have an idea of what she was doing. She was getting out of her car, and she saw herself in the mirror, and she saw the Emmys that we all saw, and she had the reaction that all of America had.
Remember the group, The Police? They said, "We’re never going to get back together.” They announced their world tour today. People tend to be nostalgic for when they were in their early 20s. I am nostalgic for the 80s. There’s already a 90s, revival. Think about it: There’s a Bush in the White House; We’re at war with Iraq; Tupac has a new album out.
Bill Gates, the world’s richest man, the Microsoft man, he bought the Four Seasons today. Not the hotel chain, the actual seasons. It’s now Microsoft winter, Windows Spring, . . .
Kimmel
The NBA All-Star Game will be broadcast in something called HD, 3-D. It is 3-D, high-definition television. They’re saying that a couple of minutes into the second half, Ron Artest will actually come out of the set and punch you in the face.
Mitt Romney is now running on the Republican ticket. I really like his campaign slogan: "Mitt Happens.”
Al Gore is at it again. He was at The Grammys; he’ll be at the Oscars; and now he’s launching a series of concerts to benefit the fight against global warming. Its slogan? "Gorefest 2007. It’s hard-Gore.” I’m going to that! And I think I’m going to Obama-Palooza.”
