Friday, February 23, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
There was a ruling today in the Anna Nicole Smith case today. The judge is a whack job!
Did you see the judge start crying? He’s the judge . . . he’s not supposed to be emotional. I haven’t seen a judge cry that much since Paula Abdul.
Bank of America will be giving out credit cards to illegals. See, this way they won’t need cash. You can buy forged papers and phony driver’s licenses on credit.
In Saint Paul, Minn., a couple got in trouble after police found 150 pounds of marijuana hidden in the gas tank of their car. How stupid is that? Just fill the tank with gasoline — it will be worth more than the drugs.
Letterman
I don’t know what the weather is like around the United States, but here in New York City, it’s been weird: 40 degress today, 60 degrees on Tuesday, and 30 degress on Monday. It’s been so crazy, Al Roker checked into rehab.
How many people have been watching the Anna Nicole Smith legal proceedings? I would call it a circus, but I don’t want to insult the good people at Ringling Brothers.
There were so many witnesses at the Anna Nicole Smith hearing, Jerry Springer couldn’t find guests for his show.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Britney Spears’ Answering Machine
10. "It’s Bill Clinton. I hear you’re confused and vulnerable. Call me.”
9. "Hi, Britney. Good news — we now have a revolving door at the rehab center.”
8. "Al Gore here. You’re contributing to global warming because your new look is hot!”
7. "It’s K-Fed. Who woulda thought I’d look like the responsible one?”
6. "It’s Melania Trump. Think you and the clippers can fix the mess on Donald’s head?”
5. "I’m calling from ‘American Idol’: Would you like to replace Paula Abdul as our crazy judge?”
4. "NASA calling — we think you might be astronaut material.”
3. "Carol Channing here, I want my wig back, bitch!”
2. "Hey, it’s Paris. Are we still on for sluttin’ it up this weekend?”
1. "This is the hair salon. You left your underpants here.”
Ferguson
It’s a great day for America, not such a great day for Barack Obama and Hillary. They’re at it already. They’re fighting they’re feuding, Why can’t they just shake hands and say, "May the best man win.”
The feud between them started when the Hollywood mogul David Geffen called the Clintons liars. Now when a Hollywood producer calls you a liar, he knows what he’s talking about.
Whole Foods is buying Wild Oats. We’ll have to have a new company. I don’t know it’s going to be called . . . Whole and Oats! There ya are.
Kimmel
The judge in the Anna Nicole Smith case got surprisingly emotional when he read his decision. He wept through the whole decision because he realized that after almost two weeks, this would be the last time he would be appearing on television.
The only thing missing from this case was Bo and Luke Duke driving the General Lee through courtroom.
Britney Spears is reportedly back in rehab again for the third time this week. Her stays in rehab have been even shorter than her marriages.
Leno
There was a ruling today in the Anna Nicole Smith case today. The judge is a whack job!
Did you see the judge start crying? He’s the judge . . . he’s not supposed to be emotional. I haven’t seen a judge cry that much since Paula Abdul.
Bank of America will be giving out credit cards to illegals. See, this way they won’t need cash. You can buy forged papers and phony driver’s licenses on credit.
In Saint Paul, Minn., a couple got in trouble after police found 150 pounds of marijuana hidden in the gas tank of their car. How stupid is that? Just fill the tank with gasoline — it will be worth more than the drugs.
Letterman
I don’t know what the weather is like around the United States, but here in New York City, it’s been weird: 40 degress today, 60 degrees on Tuesday, and 30 degress on Monday. It’s been so crazy, Al Roker checked into rehab.
How many people have been watching the Anna Nicole Smith legal proceedings? I would call it a circus, but I don’t want to insult the good people at Ringling Brothers.
There were so many witnesses at the Anna Nicole Smith hearing, Jerry Springer couldn’t find guests for his show.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Britney Spears’ Answering Machine
10. "It’s Bill Clinton. I hear you’re confused and vulnerable. Call me.”
9. "Hi, Britney. Good news — we now have a revolving door at the rehab center.”
8. "Al Gore here. You’re contributing to global warming because your new look is hot!”
7. "It’s K-Fed. Who woulda thought I’d look like the responsible one?”
6. "It’s Melania Trump. Think you and the clippers can fix the mess on Donald’s head?”
5. "I’m calling from ‘American Idol’: Would you like to replace Paula Abdul as our crazy judge?”
4. "NASA calling — we think you might be astronaut material.”
3. "Carol Channing here, I want my wig back, bitch!”
2. "Hey, it’s Paris. Are we still on for sluttin’ it up this weekend?”
1. "This is the hair salon. You left your underpants here.”
Ferguson
It’s a great day for America, not such a great day for Barack Obama and Hillary. They’re at it already. They’re fighting they’re feuding, Why can’t they just shake hands and say, "May the best man win.”
The feud between them started when the Hollywood mogul David Geffen called the Clintons liars. Now when a Hollywood producer calls you a liar, he knows what he’s talking about.
Whole Foods is buying Wild Oats. We’ll have to have a new company. I don’t know it’s going to be called . . . Whole and Oats! There ya are.
Kimmel
The judge in the Anna Nicole Smith case got surprisingly emotional when he read his decision. He wept through the whole decision because he realized that after almost two weeks, this would be the last time he would be appearing on television.
The only thing missing from this case was Bo and Luke Duke driving the General Lee through courtroom.
Britney Spears is reportedly back in rehab again for the third time this week. Her stays in rehab have been even shorter than her marriages.
