Friday, February 9, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
So many places ban smoking in public. If Barack Obama wants to smoke, he has to go someplace where no one is around. Like a Joe Biden rally. Some place like that.
Funny story I saw on the news last night. Seems a couple of people walking down the street in Washington D.C. passed actor Will Smith — and they thought he was Barack Obama! They stopped him and said they’re voting for him in 2008. Same thing happened to Elton John. People thought he was Hillary.
The big rumor is that Al Gore may announce that he is running for president at the academy awards. That would be a first. Somebody at the Oscars talking about politics who actually knows what they are talking about. That’s never happened.
The principal of an Islamic school run by the government of Saudi Arabia has admitted that they use textbooks which describe Jewish people as "apes" and Christians as "pigs" and says they will continue to use them because they are appropriate for 5-year-olds. How lucky are we that the Saudis are our allies.
Letterman
Did you hear about the fan violence in Italy at soccer games? The fan violence in Italy at soccer games has gotten so bad, the teams are forced to play in empty stadiums. Empty stadiums! And so now, it’s just like United States soccer.
How cold is it? It‘s so cold today, Saddam Hussein is glad to be in hell.
It’s so cold they had to chisel that wacky astronaut out of her diaper.
I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make The Grammy Awards More Exciting
10. One Grammy is full of angry yellow jackets
9. Less Rascal, More Flatts
8. Give a Grammy to the artist whose CD is easiest to open, am I right people?
7. Michael Richards hands out Rap and Hip Hop awards
6. My steamy kiss with Madonna re-enacted by Justin Timberlake and Ludacris
5. Announce Academy Award winners
4. Performance by Dennis Kucinich
3. Put another "m" in "Grammy"
2. Satellite hookup to any winners who are currently incarcerated
1. Special Grammy award to the presenter not wearing underpants
Conan
The White House just announced that President Bush is planning a trip to Mexico in March. Bush says he looks forward to celebrating Cinco de Marcho. The FDA announced that they have approved the first ove- the-counter weight-loss medication. The weight loss medication will be sold over the counter at Arby’s. The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears and her new boyfriend have broken up. Friends say that she was never that serious about the guy, that he was just a rebound loser.
The FDA announced that they have approved the first ove- the-counter weight-loss medication. The weight loss medication will be sold over the counter at Arby’s.
The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears and her new boyfriend have broken up. Friends say that she was never that serious about the guy, that he was just a rebound loser.
Ferguson
I heard the publisher of The New York Times is afraid that his newspaper won’t exist in five years because people get all their news online. I don’t know what’s going to happen if The New York Times disappears . . . I’ll have to line the bottom of my bird cage with a laptop.
Then, if I use a laptop to line the bottom of the cage, the birds will learn to use computers. They’ll find bird porn Web sites. That’s what they’ll do! Cockatoo dot-com!
The Eddie Murphy movie "Norbit” opens tomorrow. There’s a group protesting that the movie is making fun of fat people. You can’t be funny with out offending someone. It just can’t be done. We have proven on his show, however, that you can offend people and not be funny.
Kimmel
The first ever basketball player has come out of the closet. Former NBA center John Amaechi, who played for four different teams over five seasons, has publicly announced that he’s a homosexual. People started to get suspicious when they found out he had no illegitimate kids.
Remember Paris Hilton’s chihuahua? It was lost a few years ago, and they said they found it a few days later. But we have not seen it ever since. Paris brought a dog she called Tinkerbell onto the set of her new film, but US weekly is speculating that it might not be the same Tinkerbell. You can see that they look different…they have different coloring on their noses. What happened to the real Tinkerbell? Was she killed because she knew too much? When you have as much sex as Paris does, every once in a while your first dog is gonna get squashed.
Another breakup for Britney Spears. People magazine is reporting that Britney and her latest boyfriend Isaac Cohen have parted ways. The two were together for roughly two months. They have four children.
Leno
So many places ban smoking in public. If Barack Obama wants to smoke, he has to go someplace where no one is around. Like a Joe Biden rally. Some place like that.
Funny story I saw on the news last night. Seems a couple of people walking down the street in Washington D.C. passed actor Will Smith — and they thought he was Barack Obama! They stopped him and said they’re voting for him in 2008. Same thing happened to Elton John. People thought he was Hillary.
The big rumor is that Al Gore may announce that he is running for president at the academy awards. That would be a first. Somebody at the Oscars talking about politics who actually knows what they are talking about. That’s never happened.
The principal of an Islamic school run by the government of Saudi Arabia has admitted that they use textbooks which describe Jewish people as "apes" and Christians as "pigs" and says they will continue to use them because they are appropriate for 5-year-olds. How lucky are we that the Saudis are our allies.
Letterman
Did you hear about the fan violence in Italy at soccer games? The fan violence in Italy at soccer games has gotten so bad, the teams are forced to play in empty stadiums. Empty stadiums! And so now, it’s just like United States soccer.
How cold is it? It‘s so cold today, Saddam Hussein is glad to be in hell.
It’s so cold they had to chisel that wacky astronaut out of her diaper.
I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make The Grammy Awards More Exciting
10. One Grammy is full of angry yellow jackets
9. Less Rascal, More Flatts
8. Give a Grammy to the artist whose CD is easiest to open, am I right people?
7. Michael Richards hands out Rap and Hip Hop awards
6. My steamy kiss with Madonna re-enacted by Justin Timberlake and Ludacris
5. Announce Academy Award winners
4. Performance by Dennis Kucinich
3. Put another "m" in "Grammy"
2. Satellite hookup to any winners who are currently incarcerated
1. Special Grammy award to the presenter not wearing underpants
Conan
The White House just announced that President Bush is planning a trip to Mexico in March. Bush says he looks forward to celebrating Cinco de Marcho. The FDA announced that they have approved the first ove- the-counter weight-loss medication. The weight loss medication will be sold over the counter at Arby’s. The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears and her new boyfriend have broken up. Friends say that she was never that serious about the guy, that he was just a rebound loser.
The FDA announced that they have approved the first ove- the-counter weight-loss medication. The weight loss medication will be sold over the counter at Arby’s.
The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears and her new boyfriend have broken up. Friends say that she was never that serious about the guy, that he was just a rebound loser.
Ferguson
I heard the publisher of The New York Times is afraid that his newspaper won’t exist in five years because people get all their news online. I don’t know what’s going to happen if The New York Times disappears . . . I’ll have to line the bottom of my bird cage with a laptop.
Then, if I use a laptop to line the bottom of the cage, the birds will learn to use computers. They’ll find bird porn Web sites. That’s what they’ll do! Cockatoo dot-com!
The Eddie Murphy movie "Norbit” opens tomorrow. There’s a group protesting that the movie is making fun of fat people. You can’t be funny with out offending someone. It just can’t be done. We have proven on his show, however, that you can offend people and not be funny.
Kimmel
The first ever basketball player has come out of the closet. Former NBA center John Amaechi, who played for four different teams over five seasons, has publicly announced that he’s a homosexual. People started to get suspicious when they found out he had no illegitimate kids.
Remember Paris Hilton’s chihuahua? It was lost a few years ago, and they said they found it a few days later. But we have not seen it ever since. Paris brought a dog she called Tinkerbell onto the set of her new film, but US weekly is speculating that it might not be the same Tinkerbell. You can see that they look different…they have different coloring on their noses. What happened to the real Tinkerbell? Was she killed because she knew too much? When you have as much sex as Paris does, every once in a while your first dog is gonna get squashed.
Another breakup for Britney Spears. People magazine is reporting that Britney and her latest boyfriend Isaac Cohen have parted ways. The two were together for roughly two months. They have four children.
