Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had predicted the Indianapolis Colts would win. Isn't that amazing? A Bush administration victory announcement that actually came true. That has never happened.
Hillary Clinton is hard out on the campaign trail. Hillary is expected to attract the woman vote and, of course, Bill will attract "the other woman” vote. So between the two of them they should have the female vote locked up.
Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for a Nobel Peace prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida doesn’t vote on this one.
Maytag has recalled 2.3 million dishwashers. And the INS has deported 50 more.
Letterman
It was so cold President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Al Roker’s house.
This just in: The U.N. conference on global warming has been canceled.
It so cold here in New York City, the Statue of Liberty is holding her torch under her dress.
Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears’ strategy.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Chicago Bears Excuses
10. Too much pre-game paella
9. Hard to be motivated by a guy named "Lovie"
8. Spent every huddle talking about "American Idol"
7. Peyton promised to put us in a commercial if we let him win
6. We're not used to bad weather
5. Colts players were shoving us
4. Never adjusted to one hour time difference
3. Like the rest of America, we wanted to see Peyton finally win the big one
2. Hard to play when you're excited about upcoming "Late Show” Ventriloquist Week
1. Worried about sharing locker room with Prince
Conan
Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy became the first African-American coach to win the Super Bowl, and today, President Bush called to congratulate him. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "I also thought you were great in the halftime show.”
Most of the country has been suffering from freezing temperatures this week. Here in New York, the windchill has been below zero. In fact it was so cold here in New York, Donald Trump cuddled with Rosie for warmth.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week.
Ferguson
I love the Super Bowl every year! It's like the Oscars for straight guys. This is our day!
What a fantastic weekend I've had. Played football with Dan Marino, sang with Gloria Estefan, I even went to the Maxim party, which was sensational. K-Fed was there. He parked my car.
K-Fed's in town; he's Britney Spears' ex. And Paris Hilton's old flame is also in town — the Chicago Bears.
Miami was crawling with celebrities this weekend. I haven't seen this many celebrities since I was in rehab.
Leno
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had predicted the Indianapolis Colts would win. Isn't that amazing? A Bush administration victory announcement that actually came true. That has never happened.
Hillary Clinton is hard out on the campaign trail. Hillary is expected to attract the woman vote and, of course, Bill will attract "the other woman” vote. So between the two of them they should have the female vote locked up.
Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for a Nobel Peace prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida doesn’t vote on this one.
Maytag has recalled 2.3 million dishwashers. And the INS has deported 50 more.
Letterman
It was so cold President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Al Roker’s house.
This just in: The U.N. conference on global warming has been canceled.
It so cold here in New York City, the Statue of Liberty is holding her torch under her dress.
Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears’ strategy.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Chicago Bears Excuses
10. Too much pre-game paella
9. Hard to be motivated by a guy named "Lovie"
8. Spent every huddle talking about "American Idol"
7. Peyton promised to put us in a commercial if we let him win
6. We're not used to bad weather
5. Colts players were shoving us
4. Never adjusted to one hour time difference
3. Like the rest of America, we wanted to see Peyton finally win the big one
2. Hard to play when you're excited about upcoming "Late Show” Ventriloquist Week
1. Worried about sharing locker room with Prince
Conan
Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy became the first African-American coach to win the Super Bowl, and today, President Bush called to congratulate him. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "I also thought you were great in the halftime show.”
Most of the country has been suffering from freezing temperatures this week. Here in New York, the windchill has been below zero. In fact it was so cold here in New York, Donald Trump cuddled with Rosie for warmth.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week.
Ferguson
I love the Super Bowl every year! It's like the Oscars for straight guys. This is our day!
What a fantastic weekend I've had. Played football with Dan Marino, sang with Gloria Estefan, I even went to the Maxim party, which was sensational. K-Fed was there. He parked my car.
K-Fed's in town; he's Britney Spears' ex. And Paris Hilton's old flame is also in town — the Chicago Bears.
Miami was crawling with celebrities this weekend. I haven't seen this many celebrities since I was in rehab.
