Monday, February 12, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
President Bush announced today he will leave on a tour of Latin America. His first stop? Los Angeles.
NASA made it official today: They are no longer going to recruit their astronauts from eHarmony.com.
Here’s something scary: Justice Department officials have determined that the president of the United States has the legal authority to have someone killed. If you’re the president, you can actually legally order the killing of someone in the United States. Today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary.
The CEO of US Airways has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. The CEO of US Air. He said he fell in with the wrong crowed. . . .Pilots.
Letterman
Happy birthday to Burt Reynolds; 71 years old today. His friends all got together and threw him a surprise party. But unfortunately Burt is no longer able to look surprised.
There were so many candles on Burt’s cake, he had to wear a flame-retardant toupee.
Did you hear about this? An 89-year-old man was arrested for driving naked. It was his third arrest for driving naked. Get some help, Regis.
Conan
NASA has just announced that it has suspended astronaut Lisa Nowak for 30 days. Everyone should rest easy knowing that the crazy diaper lady won’t be operating spacecraft until March 10 at he earliest.
The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce that he is running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That’s right; they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring.
Cuba says it is deporting a top Columbian drug lord to the United States. This means the Cuban government is kicking out the one person in Cuba who doesn’t want to go to America.
Ferguson
The gay groups have boycotted that Snickers ad. I think they just like that word "boycott”; that’s what it is.
There’s a big construction thing going on next to the place where it’s being held.. The limos won’t have any place to go…it’s going to be tough for me dropping people off . . .
People are very psyched about the Grammys. The Police are reuniting. Yes! Sting and the other guys . . . Germaine and Ringo . . . they’re getting back together.
Kimmel
The weather on the East Coast is very cold. The last five days, nearly 100 inches of snow on New York. To put it in perspective, that’s like 10 Verne Troyer [actor who played "Mini-Me”] stacked on top of each other.
This Sunday, Feb. 11, is a very important day, in our nation’s history. It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. Wisely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has done.
I almost didn’t get here on time tonight. I had a long drive in. And if I hadn’t been wearing a diaper, I never wouldn’t have made it.
Leno
President Bush announced today he will leave on a tour of Latin America. His first stop? Los Angeles.
NASA made it official today: They are no longer going to recruit their astronauts from eHarmony.com.
Here’s something scary: Justice Department officials have determined that the president of the United States has the legal authority to have someone killed. If you’re the president, you can actually legally order the killing of someone in the United States. Today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary.
The CEO of US Airways has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. The CEO of US Air. He said he fell in with the wrong crowed. . . .Pilots.
Letterman
Happy birthday to Burt Reynolds; 71 years old today. His friends all got together and threw him a surprise party. But unfortunately Burt is no longer able to look surprised.
There were so many candles on Burt’s cake, he had to wear a flame-retardant toupee.
Did you hear about this? An 89-year-old man was arrested for driving naked. It was his third arrest for driving naked. Get some help, Regis.
Conan
NASA has just announced that it has suspended astronaut Lisa Nowak for 30 days. Everyone should rest easy knowing that the crazy diaper lady won’t be operating spacecraft until March 10 at he earliest.
The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce that he is running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That’s right; they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring.
Cuba says it is deporting a top Columbian drug lord to the United States. This means the Cuban government is kicking out the one person in Cuba who doesn’t want to go to America.
Ferguson
The gay groups have boycotted that Snickers ad. I think they just like that word "boycott”; that’s what it is.
There’s a big construction thing going on next to the place where it’s being held.. The limos won’t have any place to go…it’s going to be tough for me dropping people off . . .
People are very psyched about the Grammys. The Police are reuniting. Yes! Sting and the other guys . . . Germaine and Ringo . . . they’re getting back together.
Kimmel
The weather on the East Coast is very cold. The last five days, nearly 100 inches of snow on New York. To put it in perspective, that’s like 10 Verne Troyer [actor who played "Mini-Me”] stacked on top of each other.
This Sunday, Feb. 11, is a very important day, in our nation’s history. It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. Wisely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has done.
I almost didn’t get here on time tonight. I had a long drive in. And if I hadn’t been wearing a diaper, I never wouldn’t have made it.
