Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
I guess you know the big story today. Houston, we have a problem. Oh my god! The woman astronaut told police she was involved in a relationship with another NASA astronaut that was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." or as NASA calls that, an unauthorized docking procedure.
Sen. Clinton said this week that if she is elected president in 2008, she will bring the troops home. The troops home? She can’t even get Bill to go home.
According to a new study, over 18 million American men currently suffer from erectile dysfunction. Doctors say that number could double if Hillary gets elected.
Letterman
Here’s how cold it is: Earlier today, President Bush said, "See, I fixed global warming.”
It’s awful cold. It’s chillier than dinner at Ryan O’Neill’s house.
Have you heard about this? This big love triangle? This woman astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were in love with the same guy, so this woman astronaut drives 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper. I wanna tell ya, this is one giant step for man, one giant leap for the nuthouse.
Thank God the kidnapping attempt failed. And of course it failed. I mean, let’s face it; she’s no rocket scientist.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill You
10. Says, "This is a giant leap for mankind as she tosses you off a bridge
9. You turn on CNN and see the Hubble Telescope focusing on your house
8. She promises to "Take you out like Pluto”
7. It sounds crazy, but you could swear Mars is following you
6. You were on the "Maury” episode: "I had a booty call and now an astronaut is trying to kill me”
5. Her previous attempt to kill you had been postponed due to high winds
4. She poisons your Tang
3. She says she looks forward to being the first to walk on your lifeless corpse
2. Been getting threatening e-mails from connie@internationalspacestation.com
1. She keeps stabbing you with a pen that writes upside-down
Conan
This female astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were both in love with the same astronaut. The male astronaut was disappointed the female astronaut was arrested and said, "I was hoping to get some Tang.”
People are still talking about the Super Bowl. According to the latest Neilson Ratings, this Sunday’s Super Bowl was watched by 93 million viewers. Usually when that many Americans tune in to a show, it involves a drunk Paula Abdul.
Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has announced he’s forming a presidential exploratory committee. The committee won’t be paid for their work, but they will get some sweet, high-paying jobs in the Tancredo administration.
Ferguson
Apple Computer and the Beatles have finally settled their lawsuit over the use of the name Apple. Apparently Paul McCartney wants to focus on one legal battle at a time.
Johnny Knoxville of "Jackass” is getting divorced from his wife. Now listen, if you think ramming a shopping cart into your testicles is painful, you wait until you get into divorce court . . .
In Atlantic City a gambler gave birth to a baby on the casino floor. What is she thinking? You know you gotta know when to hold ’em. You gotta know!
Today the mayor of San Francisco has announced he’s going into rehab casue he got busted for sleeping with a married woman. The people of San Francisco are disgusted at this flagrant heterosexual behavior in their town.
Kimmel
The Indianapolis Colts are Super Bowl champions. They beat the Bears on Sunday. The quarterback for the Bears, Rex Grossman, he had a very difficult day; he couldn’t stay on his feet, which was doubly embarrassing, because Prince did the whole halftime show in high heels and had no trouble at all.
They make the T-shirts and the hats that say, "Super Bowl Champions” in advance, so that they can wear then right after the game, and I always wonder what happens to the T-shirts they make for the losing team and fortunately we have the news to explain all things to us: "They will be handed out to developing nations like Nigeria, Uganda and Sierra Leon.” That’s weird! Super Bowl shirts aren’t the only rejected clothing they ship over there . . . this one recently turned up: "Dick Cheney Never Shot an Old Man in the Face.”
It was so cold in Indianapolis that Tony Dungy is now also the first blue couch to win the Super Bowl.
Leno
I guess you know the big story today. Houston, we have a problem. Oh my god! The woman astronaut told police she was involved in a relationship with another NASA astronaut that was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." or as NASA calls that, an unauthorized docking procedure.
Sen. Clinton said this week that if she is elected president in 2008, she will bring the troops home. The troops home? She can’t even get Bill to go home.
According to a new study, over 18 million American men currently suffer from erectile dysfunction. Doctors say that number could double if Hillary gets elected.
Letterman
Here’s how cold it is: Earlier today, President Bush said, "See, I fixed global warming.”
It’s awful cold. It’s chillier than dinner at Ryan O’Neill’s house.
Have you heard about this? This big love triangle? This woman astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were in love with the same guy, so this woman astronaut drives 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper. I wanna tell ya, this is one giant step for man, one giant leap for the nuthouse.
Thank God the kidnapping attempt failed. And of course it failed. I mean, let’s face it; she’s no rocket scientist.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs An Astronaut Is Trying To Kill You
10. Says, "This is a giant leap for mankind as she tosses you off a bridge
9. You turn on CNN and see the Hubble Telescope focusing on your house
8. She promises to "Take you out like Pluto”
7. It sounds crazy, but you could swear Mars is following you
6. You were on the "Maury” episode: "I had a booty call and now an astronaut is trying to kill me”
5. Her previous attempt to kill you had been postponed due to high winds
4. She poisons your Tang
3. She says she looks forward to being the first to walk on your lifeless corpse
2. Been getting threatening e-mails from connie@internationalspacestation.com
1. She keeps stabbing you with a pen that writes upside-down
Conan
This female astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were both in love with the same astronaut. The male astronaut was disappointed the female astronaut was arrested and said, "I was hoping to get some Tang.”
People are still talking about the Super Bowl. According to the latest Neilson Ratings, this Sunday’s Super Bowl was watched by 93 million viewers. Usually when that many Americans tune in to a show, it involves a drunk Paula Abdul.
Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has announced he’s forming a presidential exploratory committee. The committee won’t be paid for their work, but they will get some sweet, high-paying jobs in the Tancredo administration.
Ferguson
Apple Computer and the Beatles have finally settled their lawsuit over the use of the name Apple. Apparently Paul McCartney wants to focus on one legal battle at a time.
Johnny Knoxville of "Jackass” is getting divorced from his wife. Now listen, if you think ramming a shopping cart into your testicles is painful, you wait until you get into divorce court . . .
In Atlantic City a gambler gave birth to a baby on the casino floor. What is she thinking? You know you gotta know when to hold ’em. You gotta know!
Today the mayor of San Francisco has announced he’s going into rehab casue he got busted for sleeping with a married woman. The people of San Francisco are disgusted at this flagrant heterosexual behavior in their town.
Kimmel
The Indianapolis Colts are Super Bowl champions. They beat the Bears on Sunday. The quarterback for the Bears, Rex Grossman, he had a very difficult day; he couldn’t stay on his feet, which was doubly embarrassing, because Prince did the whole halftime show in high heels and had no trouble at all.
They make the T-shirts and the hats that say, "Super Bowl Champions” in advance, so that they can wear then right after the game, and I always wonder what happens to the T-shirts they make for the losing team and fortunately we have the news to explain all things to us: "They will be handed out to developing nations like Nigeria, Uganda and Sierra Leon.” That’s weird! Super Bowl shirts aren’t the only rejected clothing they ship over there . . . this one recently turned up: "Dick Cheney Never Shot an Old Man in the Face.”
It was so cold in Indianapolis that Tony Dungy is now also the first blue couch to win the Super Bowl.
