Thursday, February 8, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Have you been following the story of this female astro-nut? She drove 900 miles from Houston Texas to Orlando, Fla., to confront the woman who was her romantic rival. She drove the whole time wearing a diaper so she didn’t have to stop and pee. Of course, people capitalize on these things . . . have you seen these? Huggies with the "Astronaut fit?”
More rehab news. You probably know about the mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsome, who had sex with the wife of his campaign manager. He announced he’s going into alcohol rehab. How insulting is that for the campaign manager? Not only did he have sex with his wife, he had to be drunk to do it!
Wanna know how to tell if a man in San Francisco has an alcohol problem? He hits on a woman.
Letterman
Were you aware that it’s Fashion Week? There’s a brand new line of clothing unveiled earlier today by Chicago Bears’ quarterback Rex Grossman. The nice thing about it is, it comes apart at the seams.
How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John.
She drove 900 miles in a diaper. That’s pretty amazing. Britney Spears can’t even make it around the block in her underpants.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Exercising Naked
10. Does my insurance cover naked gym accidents?
9. Can I handle a naked dude spotting me?
8. Is this even legal?
7. Does this mean I'm gay?
6. Is this some sort of "Dateline" sting?
5. What is their policy on squatting?
4. Will this be on YouTube?
3. If I get in shape, will that crazy astronaut chick start stalking me?
2. Do I want to be known as "The dude that got his deal caught in the leg press"?
1. Where do I put my locker key?
Conan
Everyone in the world is running for president. Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008, a candidate has to get "hot." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said Hillary is doomed.
Earlier today Ozzy Osbourne announced that he’s going to perform at this year’s Ozz Fest without getting paid. Afterwards, the concert’s promoter said, "Don’t tell Ozzy, but we haven’t paid him for 12 years.”
Paula Abdul says, when she’s on "American Idol,” she doesn’t just pick people by singing ability, she also judges how well they’ve put together their look. In other words, Abdul picks whoever looks old enough to buy her a drink.
Ferguson
The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn’t had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the ’60s.
These things are bound to happen when men and women work together. You see it all the time in Hollywood. People have sex scenes together, kissing scenes . . . but it’s just acting; they’re just pretending to be in love with each other . . . like marriage.
But when the movie’s over you still have some money left obviously.
Kimmel
New episodes of "Lost” return to our airwaves. Finally Wednesdays are confusing again.
Mars is getting some flak over a Super Bowl commercial they aired. They decided to pull it after complaints that it was homophobic. The Skittles people get no complaints at all. "Chase the Rainbow” isn’t gay?
One group called it the most bigoted ad since Junior Mints launched their "Little Mint That’s Not for Mexicans” campaign.
Leno
Have you been following the story of this female astro-nut? She drove 900 miles from Houston Texas to Orlando, Fla., to confront the woman who was her romantic rival. She drove the whole time wearing a diaper so she didn’t have to stop and pee. Of course, people capitalize on these things . . . have you seen these? Huggies with the "Astronaut fit?”
More rehab news. You probably know about the mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsome, who had sex with the wife of his campaign manager. He announced he’s going into alcohol rehab. How insulting is that for the campaign manager? Not only did he have sex with his wife, he had to be drunk to do it!
Wanna know how to tell if a man in San Francisco has an alcohol problem? He hits on a woman.
Letterman
Were you aware that it’s Fashion Week? There’s a brand new line of clothing unveiled earlier today by Chicago Bears’ quarterback Rex Grossman. The nice thing about it is, it comes apart at the seams.
How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John.
She drove 900 miles in a diaper. That’s pretty amazing. Britney Spears can’t even make it around the block in her underpants.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Exercising Naked
10. Does my insurance cover naked gym accidents?
9. Can I handle a naked dude spotting me?
8. Is this even legal?
7. Does this mean I'm gay?
6. Is this some sort of "Dateline" sting?
5. What is their policy on squatting?
4. Will this be on YouTube?
3. If I get in shape, will that crazy astronaut chick start stalking me?
2. Do I want to be known as "The dude that got his deal caught in the leg press"?
1. Where do I put my locker key?
Conan
Everyone in the world is running for president. Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008, a candidate has to get "hot." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said Hillary is doomed.
Earlier today Ozzy Osbourne announced that he’s going to perform at this year’s Ozz Fest without getting paid. Afterwards, the concert’s promoter said, "Don’t tell Ozzy, but we haven’t paid him for 12 years.”
Paula Abdul says, when she’s on "American Idol,” she doesn’t just pick people by singing ability, she also judges how well they’ve put together their look. In other words, Abdul picks whoever looks old enough to buy her a drink.
Ferguson
The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn’t had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the ’60s.
These things are bound to happen when men and women work together. You see it all the time in Hollywood. People have sex scenes together, kissing scenes . . . but it’s just acting; they’re just pretending to be in love with each other . . . like marriage.
But when the movie’s over you still have some money left obviously.
Kimmel
New episodes of "Lost” return to our airwaves. Finally Wednesdays are confusing again.
Mars is getting some flak over a Super Bowl commercial they aired. They decided to pull it after complaints that it was homophobic. The Skittles people get no complaints at all. "Chase the Rainbow” isn’t gay?
One group called it the most bigoted ad since Junior Mints launched their "Little Mint That’s Not for Mexicans” campaign.
