Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Conan
The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, "I dream of replacing Hillary every day."
Today, for the first time ever, New Jersey allowed homosexuals to enter into civil unions. Now they just have to find a homosexual who will admit to living in New Jersey.
Over the weekend, Britney Spears got two tattoos and shaved her head. The amazing thing is, it's the most motherly thing she's done in weeks.
The NBA All-Star Game was in Las Vegas this weekend and there were over 300 related arrests that ranged from outstanding warrants, battery, burglary, and disorderly conduct. City officials said, "We can't have this kind of lawless behavior disrupting our city's gamblers, pimps, and prostitutes."
Leno
Today is President’s Day … or for those of you in California, el Presidente Day!
Today is the day we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference.
Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves. So typical!
Did you see this story in the paper today? A woman in Florida just got her electricity turned back on after Hurricane Andrew cut her power off in 1992. Or as Fema calls that, "a job well done!”
Letterman
It was so cold today that that mummified guy out in Long Island got up and turned on the space heater.
There’s a guy in Long Island who’s watching television and he drops dead and he sits there in his apartment watching television for a year dead. And the TV is still going strong. And the sad thing about all of this is, CBS lost another viewer.
It was so cold Britney Spears had chapped head.
Here’s the thing about show business. It’s so competitive. You ever notice this about show business? Competitive and envious. One day Britney Spears gets her head shaved . Not to be out done, today Rosie O’Donnell shaved her back.
Ferguson
When I was in rehab, it wasn’t like the rehabs portrayed by the news outlets with the Lindsay Lohans and fabulous people. My roommate was a 65-year-old vicar — a priest, who said, "An old lady said that there was a hobo sleeping in the church graveyard. I had to pretend to go look for him, but it was me!”
I have been sober for 15 years. I don’t have a drinking problem. I can get one fast, but I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a thinking problem. Last week I found out that Guinness has 125 calories a point. Without a wink of an eye, I’m thinking maybe I should go on a diet. With 125 calories, what could possibly go wrong?
It looks like Britney Spears has a similar problem with alcohol. It’s embarrassing to admit you’re an alcoholic. It’s embarrassing to wake up in pee . . .yours or someone else’s.
Kimmel
It so beautiful in Los Angeles today. A little sprinkling of rain, the seasons are changing; I saw some kids on my street today jumping in a big pile of Britney Spears’ hair.
She’s shaved everything else, she might as well . . . maybe she’s planning on going to Iraq, or joining the Blue Man Group.
After she cut her hair off, there were a few people online trying to sell it, and bids went up to like $5,000 before the auctions were canceled, by eBay. I guess it’s illegal to sell celebrity hair ever since Luke Perry tried to sell his sideburns for pot.
Conan
The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, "I dream of replacing Hillary every day."
Today, for the first time ever, New Jersey allowed homosexuals to enter into civil unions. Now they just have to find a homosexual who will admit to living in New Jersey.
Over the weekend, Britney Spears got two tattoos and shaved her head. The amazing thing is, it's the most motherly thing she's done in weeks.
The NBA All-Star Game was in Las Vegas this weekend and there were over 300 related arrests that ranged from outstanding warrants, battery, burglary, and disorderly conduct. City officials said, "We can't have this kind of lawless behavior disrupting our city's gamblers, pimps, and prostitutes."
Leno
Today is President’s Day … or for those of you in California, el Presidente Day!
Today is the day we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference.
Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves. So typical!
Did you see this story in the paper today? A woman in Florida just got her electricity turned back on after Hurricane Andrew cut her power off in 1992. Or as Fema calls that, "a job well done!”
Letterman
It was so cold today that that mummified guy out in Long Island got up and turned on the space heater.
There’s a guy in Long Island who’s watching television and he drops dead and he sits there in his apartment watching television for a year dead. And the TV is still going strong. And the sad thing about all of this is, CBS lost another viewer.
It was so cold Britney Spears had chapped head.
Here’s the thing about show business. It’s so competitive. You ever notice this about show business? Competitive and envious. One day Britney Spears gets her head shaved . Not to be out done, today Rosie O’Donnell shaved her back.
Ferguson
When I was in rehab, it wasn’t like the rehabs portrayed by the news outlets with the Lindsay Lohans and fabulous people. My roommate was a 65-year-old vicar — a priest, who said, "An old lady said that there was a hobo sleeping in the church graveyard. I had to pretend to go look for him, but it was me!”
I have been sober for 15 years. I don’t have a drinking problem. I can get one fast, but I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a thinking problem. Last week I found out that Guinness has 125 calories a point. Without a wink of an eye, I’m thinking maybe I should go on a diet. With 125 calories, what could possibly go wrong?
It looks like Britney Spears has a similar problem with alcohol. It’s embarrassing to admit you’re an alcoholic. It’s embarrassing to wake up in pee . . .yours or someone else’s.
Kimmel
It so beautiful in Los Angeles today. A little sprinkling of rain, the seasons are changing; I saw some kids on my street today jumping in a big pile of Britney Spears’ hair.
She’s shaved everything else, she might as well . . . maybe she’s planning on going to Iraq, or joining the Blue Man Group.
After she cut her hair off, there were a few people online trying to sell it, and bids went up to like $5,000 before the auctions were canceled, by eBay. I guess it’s illegal to sell celebrity hair ever since Luke Perry tried to sell his sideburns for pot.
