Saturday, January 27, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Speaker of the House Nanci Pelosi is now in Iraq; she made a surprise visit to Iraq . . . Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before . . .
She didn’t say how long she was staying in Iraq, and President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
In his State of the Uniion address president Bush said the economy is on the move . . . it’s moving to India.
The political experts are asking what role Bill Clinton will play in Hillary’s campaign. I’m guessing the cheating husband?
Letterman
(Previously recorded) New York City has banned trans fat from fast food. Don’t worry. You can still get E. coli.
You folks been to Taco Bell Lately? They have a wonderful new item . . . the Taco Apocalypto.
Tonight’s the first night of Hanukkah. Down in Washington D.C., a confused George Bush was out hunting for colored eggs . . .
Everyone’s in the Hanukkah spirit. Earlier today a Giants receiver dropped a matzo ball.
Kimmel
After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park today. They’re warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds.
Michael Jackson’s back home in the USA. Parents are being warned to keep their children away from cotton candy machines, bounce houses and the circus.
An exciting breakthrough in science today, a doctor name Robert Bohannon has developed a caffeinated doughnut. We’re officially too lazy to dunk anymore. He figured out a way to inject caffeine into the doughnut without ruining the taste and he’s trying to sell it to Krispy Kreme or Dunkin Donuts or somebody, so finally we can all be fat and jittery at the same time.
Leno
Speaker of the House Nanci Pelosi is now in Iraq; she made a surprise visit to Iraq . . . Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before . . .
She didn’t say how long she was staying in Iraq, and President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
In his State of the Uniion address president Bush said the economy is on the move . . . it’s moving to India.
The political experts are asking what role Bill Clinton will play in Hillary’s campaign. I’m guessing the cheating husband?
Letterman
(Previously recorded) New York City has banned trans fat from fast food. Don’t worry. You can still get E. coli.
You folks been to Taco Bell Lately? They have a wonderful new item . . . the Taco Apocalypto.
Tonight’s the first night of Hanukkah. Down in Washington D.C., a confused George Bush was out hunting for colored eggs . . .
Everyone’s in the Hanukkah spirit. Earlier today a Giants receiver dropped a matzo ball.
Kimmel
After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park today. They’re warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds.
Michael Jackson’s back home in the USA. Parents are being warned to keep their children away from cotton candy machines, bounce houses and the circus.
An exciting breakthrough in science today, a doctor name Robert Bohannon has developed a caffeinated doughnut. We’re officially too lazy to dunk anymore. He figured out a way to inject caffeine into the doughnut without ruining the taste and he’s trying to sell it to Krispy Kreme or Dunkin Donuts or somebody, so finally we can all be fat and jittery at the same time.
