Friday, January 26, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
I guess you heard by now, Sen. John Kerry announced yesterday he will not run for president, in 2008. He said the time is just not right. You know why it’s not right? It’s an election year.
President Bush said he’s going to ask Congress for 10 billion dollars more for Afghanistan. Ten billion dollars. I got a solution for the people in New Orleans. Put on turbans; throw rocks at each other; change your name to Kabul . . . you’ll get 10 billion dollars just like that.
Arizona parents are still wondering how a 29-year-old adult sex offender was able to pass himself off as seventh grader for four months . . . four months . . . this guy shaved all his hair off, put on makeup . . . four months he passed himself off as a seventh grader. He faces up to 15 years’ detention.
A recent survey of drivers and their distractions found that 68 percent of drivers eat meals while driving; 73 percent talk on the phone while driving. Here’s the scary part: 98 percent filled out the survey while driving.
Letterman
Have you seen the new Mel Gibson movie "Apocalypto?" Well, the whole movie is in ancient Mayan. And I’m thinking to myself, if I want to see a movie that is incomprehensible in language, well I’ll just go see "Rocky Balboa."
Did you hear about this controversy in the NBA? They introduced a synthetic ball. Were you aware of this? A brand new synthetic ball. People hated it; the players all hated it. So the league announced that they were going back to the old ball. Coincidently, that’s what Larry King’s wife says when she goes home.
Anyone here from Ohio? Well, Dennis Kucinich has announced that he is running for president in 2008. In a related story, somewhere a tree fell in the forest.
Former Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet was buried yesterday. I believe his last words were, "Maybe I’ll have just one more chalupa.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Are Not One of the Most Fascinating People of 2006
10.You’re 37, but you still answer the phone, "Hello, Mommy”
9. The only person who’ll interview you is Barbara Walters’ nephew, Duane Walters
8. You spend your paycheck on strippers and Slim Jims
7. Favorite topic of conversation? Thumbtacks
6. Al Gore told you to stop droning on and on
5. Proudest day was when you unscrambled "DGO” in the "Jumble”
4. Your catch phrase is "Can’t, I’m allergic”
3. The public adores you — "the public” being your garage full of raccoons
2. You convened the Iraq Study Group to determine the state of underpants
1. You’re in charge of onions at Taco Bell /font>
Kimmel
The X Games started today in Aspen Colo. The X Games are of course is competition in which young healthy people try their best to hurt themselves very very badly.
Ford has reported huge losses this year. Ford Motor Cars lost 12.7 billion dollars in 2006. That’s the biggest annual loss in their 103-year history. They’re blaming a lot of their losses on the launch of their unpopular new economy car, the Ford Federline. I guess there were engine problems, one of them got a whole bunch of Mini Coopers pregnant . . .
John Kerry announced that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates for president . . .
A lot of Republicans running . . . some familiar names and some new ones too: Republican favorites include John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, as well as Flavor Flav, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, and because he just doesn’t understand, President Bush.
Leno
I guess you heard by now, Sen. John Kerry announced yesterday he will not run for president, in 2008. He said the time is just not right. You know why it’s not right? It’s an election year.
President Bush said he’s going to ask Congress for 10 billion dollars more for Afghanistan. Ten billion dollars. I got a solution for the people in New Orleans. Put on turbans; throw rocks at each other; change your name to Kabul . . . you’ll get 10 billion dollars just like that.
Arizona parents are still wondering how a 29-year-old adult sex offender was able to pass himself off as seventh grader for four months . . . four months . . . this guy shaved all his hair off, put on makeup . . . four months he passed himself off as a seventh grader. He faces up to 15 years’ detention.
A recent survey of drivers and their distractions found that 68 percent of drivers eat meals while driving; 73 percent talk on the phone while driving. Here’s the scary part: 98 percent filled out the survey while driving.
Letterman
Have you seen the new Mel Gibson movie "Apocalypto?" Well, the whole movie is in ancient Mayan. And I’m thinking to myself, if I want to see a movie that is incomprehensible in language, well I’ll just go see "Rocky Balboa."
Did you hear about this controversy in the NBA? They introduced a synthetic ball. Were you aware of this? A brand new synthetic ball. People hated it; the players all hated it. So the league announced that they were going back to the old ball. Coincidently, that’s what Larry King’s wife says when she goes home.
Anyone here from Ohio? Well, Dennis Kucinich has announced that he is running for president in 2008. In a related story, somewhere a tree fell in the forest.
Former Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet was buried yesterday. I believe his last words were, "Maybe I’ll have just one more chalupa.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Are Not One of the Most Fascinating People of 2006
10.You’re 37, but you still answer the phone, "Hello, Mommy”
9. The only person who’ll interview you is Barbara Walters’ nephew, Duane Walters
8. You spend your paycheck on strippers and Slim Jims
7. Favorite topic of conversation? Thumbtacks
6. Al Gore told you to stop droning on and on
5. Proudest day was when you unscrambled "DGO” in the "Jumble”
4. Your catch phrase is "Can’t, I’m allergic”
3. The public adores you — "the public” being your garage full of raccoons
2. You convened the Iraq Study Group to determine the state of underpants
1. You’re in charge of onions at Taco Bell /font>
Kimmel
The X Games started today in Aspen Colo. The X Games are of course is competition in which young healthy people try their best to hurt themselves very very badly.
Ford has reported huge losses this year. Ford Motor Cars lost 12.7 billion dollars in 2006. That’s the biggest annual loss in their 103-year history. They’re blaming a lot of their losses on the launch of their unpopular new economy car, the Ford Federline. I guess there were engine problems, one of them got a whole bunch of Mini Coopers pregnant . . .
John Kerry announced that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates for president . . .
A lot of Republicans running . . . some familiar names and some new ones too: Republican favorites include John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, as well as Flavor Flav, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, and because he just doesn’t understand, President Bush.
