Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Congress began hearings today on the government’s response to Hurricane Katrina. Today? They’re just investigating Hurricane Katrina now? You know, that’s pretty sad when the government’s investigation to the government’s slow response to Katrina is slower than the government’s response to Katrina.
Paris Hilton has filed a lawsuit demanding the closure of a Web site where visitors can pay money to view her naked photos of her. Which is pretty amazing — you know, that there are still people out there who haven’t seen Paris Hilton naked.
Michael Jackson’s brother Jermaine says that he wants Michael to convert to Islam. Islam? How about converting to the human race — try that first.
Conan
Michael Jackson in the news. Jermaine Jackson said on Monday he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Michael said, "No thank you, I’ve already had 72 virgins.”
Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter is causing a controversy because he’s appearing completely nude in a play. Critics say it’s a bold move for Radcliffe — especially since the play is "Oklahoma.”
Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed recently, and reportedly she was so worried it would be sold on eBay, she asked her doctor if she could take it with her. Unfortunately the doctor put the appendix in alcohol and Lindsay chugged it on the way home.
Ferguson
We crowned a new Miss America last night. Miss Oklahoma. It’s getting tougher at these beauty pageants now, because of recent events . . . you have to do well in the talent competition, the swimsuit competition, pass a sobriety test, a steroid test, you have to pass the gender test . . .
Happy birthday today to Vice President Dick Cheney. He is 66 today. It was an awkward moment at the party when the stripper jumped out of the cake and he shot her in the face.
The new Windows operating system is out today. It’s called Vista. That’s Spanish for "the view.” And it’s like the show "The View.” It’s like "The View” because the computer is part lesbian. There are lesbian computers! I’ve got a lesbian computer. I can’t turn it on.
Kimmel
Today was a big day for computer users around the world. Microsoft’s new operating system Windows Vista came out today. People lined up to buy it at midnight, partly because they want to be the first ones to check out the new features and partly just to hang out with other virgins.
Millions of copies are being sold, but Microsoft says don’t worry, every single person in India is standing by waiting by their phones to do tech support if needed.
Prince Charles and his wife Camilla paid a rare visit to the United States this weekend. They went to Harlem on Sunday. While he was there, believe it or not, he played basketball at a local school. I’ve been hoping the phrase "When Prince Charles plays basketball in Harlem,” would replace the phrase, "When hell freezes over,” but oh well.
Leno
Congress began hearings today on the government’s response to Hurricane Katrina. Today? They’re just investigating Hurricane Katrina now? You know, that’s pretty sad when the government’s investigation to the government’s slow response to Katrina is slower than the government’s response to Katrina.
Paris Hilton has filed a lawsuit demanding the closure of a Web site where visitors can pay money to view her naked photos of her. Which is pretty amazing — you know, that there are still people out there who haven’t seen Paris Hilton naked.
Michael Jackson’s brother Jermaine says that he wants Michael to convert to Islam. Islam? How about converting to the human race — try that first.
Conan
Michael Jackson in the news. Jermaine Jackson said on Monday he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Michael said, "No thank you, I’ve already had 72 virgins.”
Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter is causing a controversy because he’s appearing completely nude in a play. Critics say it’s a bold move for Radcliffe — especially since the play is "Oklahoma.”
Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed recently, and reportedly she was so worried it would be sold on eBay, she asked her doctor if she could take it with her. Unfortunately the doctor put the appendix in alcohol and Lindsay chugged it on the way home.
Ferguson
We crowned a new Miss America last night. Miss Oklahoma. It’s getting tougher at these beauty pageants now, because of recent events . . . you have to do well in the talent competition, the swimsuit competition, pass a sobriety test, a steroid test, you have to pass the gender test . . .
Happy birthday today to Vice President Dick Cheney. He is 66 today. It was an awkward moment at the party when the stripper jumped out of the cake and he shot her in the face.
The new Windows operating system is out today. It’s called Vista. That’s Spanish for "the view.” And it’s like the show "The View.” It’s like "The View” because the computer is part lesbian. There are lesbian computers! I’ve got a lesbian computer. I can’t turn it on.
Kimmel
Today was a big day for computer users around the world. Microsoft’s new operating system Windows Vista came out today. People lined up to buy it at midnight, partly because they want to be the first ones to check out the new features and partly just to hang out with other virgins.
Millions of copies are being sold, but Microsoft says don’t worry, every single person in India is standing by waiting by their phones to do tech support if needed.
Prince Charles and his wife Camilla paid a rare visit to the United States this weekend. They went to Harlem on Sunday. While he was there, believe it or not, he played basketball at a local school. I’ve been hoping the phrase "When Prince Charles plays basketball in Harlem,” would replace the phrase, "When hell freezes over,” but oh well.
