Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
As you know, Hillary Clinton has decided to run for president. She’s thrown her hat into the ring. And then bill threw his ring into the drawer. Party! Party!
The knock against Hillary running for president is that she’s smart, but not electable. Or as political experts call that: a Democrat.
John Edwards, who is also running for president, is being criticized because the new house he just moved into is one of the biggest in North Carolina. It’s 28,000 square feet on 102 acres. See, Edwards became famous for talking about the two Americas. Now both of them can fit into his backyard.
According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana.
Conan
On a campaign trip yesterday Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men because she had to put up with her husband which . . . explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.
Iran is getting more involved in Iraq. Officials in Iran say they are planning to open a branch of the Iranian national bank in Baghdad. That’s right. Anyone who opens a new account in the Baghdad branch will receive 72 virgins and a toaster.
This is weird. I saw a picture of this in the paper yesterday. Prince Charles was in town, and he went up to Harlem and played basketball. Spectators said it was the worst display of an obscenely rich non-athlete playing basketball since the Knicks game the night before night.
Police in Kentucky arrested a man who had over 80 lbs. of marijuana hidden in his tires. Police became suspicious when they saw [rapper] Snoop Dogg chasing the car for two miles.
Ferguson
We are going to Super Bowl this weekend! We are taking the whole show to South Florida or as some people would call it, North Cuba.
Everyone’s running for President! Hillary’s running, Obama’s running, McCain, Little Miss Sunshine — everybody! John Kerry announced he won’t run. And everybody went, "OK.”
The caffeinated doughnut! This is sensational! This is the greatest invention since Gold Bond Medicated Powder. This took years of research. Scientists finally stopped wasting their time curing disease to get something important done. Finally, you can be restless and overweight.
Leno
As you know, Hillary Clinton has decided to run for president. She’s thrown her hat into the ring. And then bill threw his ring into the drawer. Party! Party!
The knock against Hillary running for president is that she’s smart, but not electable. Or as political experts call that: a Democrat.
John Edwards, who is also running for president, is being criticized because the new house he just moved into is one of the biggest in North Carolina. It’s 28,000 square feet on 102 acres. See, Edwards became famous for talking about the two Americas. Now both of them can fit into his backyard.
According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana.
Conan
On a campaign trip yesterday Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men because she had to put up with her husband which . . . explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.
Iran is getting more involved in Iraq. Officials in Iran say they are planning to open a branch of the Iranian national bank in Baghdad. That’s right. Anyone who opens a new account in the Baghdad branch will receive 72 virgins and a toaster.
This is weird. I saw a picture of this in the paper yesterday. Prince Charles was in town, and he went up to Harlem and played basketball. Spectators said it was the worst display of an obscenely rich non-athlete playing basketball since the Knicks game the night before night.
Police in Kentucky arrested a man who had over 80 lbs. of marijuana hidden in his tires. Police became suspicious when they saw [rapper] Snoop Dogg chasing the car for two miles.
Ferguson
We are going to Super Bowl this weekend! We are taking the whole show to South Florida or as some people would call it, North Cuba.
Everyone’s running for President! Hillary’s running, Obama’s running, McCain, Little Miss Sunshine — everybody! John Kerry announced he won’t run. And everybody went, "OK.”
The caffeinated doughnut! This is sensational! This is the greatest invention since Gold Bond Medicated Powder. This took years of research. Scientists finally stopped wasting their time curing disease to get something important done. Finally, you can be restless and overweight.
