Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman
"You know, today, ladies and gentlemen, is the busiest mailing day of the year. Yep, the Post Office today handled 900 million pieces of mail. They didn’t deliver them, they just handled them.”
"And as a matter of fact, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is the busiest day for people to get on the phone to a relative and say, ‘It may not be there until after Christmas, but it’s coming, so look for it.’”
"Any NBA fans here, basketball fans? You heard about the big brawl over the weekend, the Nuggets and the Knicks down at Madison Square Garden. I don’t know why, I don’t know why this happened, but when it was over, Kobe Bryant’s wife got another diamond.”
"Quite a brawl, but the fans, the fans were reluctant to be part of it. And I’m thinking, well, of course, nobody wants to throw a $15 beer.”
"You know, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new ‘Rocky’ film opening. Listen to this, the President knew about it and failed to act in time.”
"But in this new ‘Rocky’ film, Rocky fights the heavy-set Dreamgirl.”
"You know, the Mel Gibson motion picture ‘Apocalypto’? A week ago – tremendous business, number one movie in the country. A week ago – tremendous, number one movie in the country. This week, nothing – guess who Mel is blaming?”
"How many of you folks have been to the Olive Garden? Anybody ever eaten at the Olive Garden? Three hundred people have gotten sick now eating at the Olive Garden. And I eat at the Olive Garden all the time. You’ve got to be careful, you’ve got to know the menu. Check the menu out, know what you are ordering. Here is what you avoid, stay away from this: it’s the ‘chicken-catch-a-coli.’”
Leno
I was up late last night partying with Miss USA.
Did you hear about that? Miss USA is being stripped of her crown for behavioral matters. She will no longer be able to perform her duties. What? What duties? She can no longer wave?
Hanukkah has started. I have a friend that converted to Christianity from Judaism last week. Not because of the faith, but because he hadn’t bought his wife a gift yet. He needed that extra week.
Did you know President Bush is the first president to light a menorah in the White House? President Clinton was actually the first to light candles in the Oval Office for mood lighting.
Tiger Woods won his 11th tournament for 2006 yesterday. 11! In terms for the Raiders that would be three seasons.
Momentum is still building for Barack Obama. Do you know what his middle name is? Hussein. It could have been worse – it could be Kerry.
"Time” magazine has come out with its person of the year. It’s you. It’s everyone. This year it is everyone. My question though – if we are all the person of the year why should we have to pay $4.95 for a copy? Shouldn’t we all be given a copy for free?
Letterman
"You know, today, ladies and gentlemen, is the busiest mailing day of the year. Yep, the Post Office today handled 900 million pieces of mail. They didn’t deliver them, they just handled them.”
"And as a matter of fact, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is the busiest day for people to get on the phone to a relative and say, ‘It may not be there until after Christmas, but it’s coming, so look for it.’”
"Any NBA fans here, basketball fans? You heard about the big brawl over the weekend, the Nuggets and the Knicks down at Madison Square Garden. I don’t know why, I don’t know why this happened, but when it was over, Kobe Bryant’s wife got another diamond.”
"Quite a brawl, but the fans, the fans were reluctant to be part of it. And I’m thinking, well, of course, nobody wants to throw a $15 beer.”
"You know, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new ‘Rocky’ film opening. Listen to this, the President knew about it and failed to act in time.”
"But in this new ‘Rocky’ film, Rocky fights the heavy-set Dreamgirl.”
"You know, the Mel Gibson motion picture ‘Apocalypto’? A week ago – tremendous business, number one movie in the country. A week ago – tremendous, number one movie in the country. This week, nothing – guess who Mel is blaming?”
"How many of you folks have been to the Olive Garden? Anybody ever eaten at the Olive Garden? Three hundred people have gotten sick now eating at the Olive Garden. And I eat at the Olive Garden all the time. You’ve got to be careful, you’ve got to know the menu. Check the menu out, know what you are ordering. Here is what you avoid, stay away from this: it’s the ‘chicken-catch-a-coli.’”
Leno
I was up late last night partying with Miss USA.
Did you hear about that? Miss USA is being stripped of her crown for behavioral matters. She will no longer be able to perform her duties. What? What duties? She can no longer wave?
Hanukkah has started. I have a friend that converted to Christianity from Judaism last week. Not because of the faith, but because he hadn’t bought his wife a gift yet. He needed that extra week.
Did you know President Bush is the first president to light a menorah in the White House? President Clinton was actually the first to light candles in the Oval Office for mood lighting.
Tiger Woods won his 11th tournament for 2006 yesterday. 11! In terms for the Raiders that would be three seasons.
Momentum is still building for Barack Obama. Do you know what his middle name is? Hussein. It could have been worse – it could be Kerry.
"Time” magazine has come out with its person of the year. It’s you. It’s everyone. This year it is everyone. My question though – if we are all the person of the year why should we have to pay $4.95 for a copy? Shouldn’t we all be given a copy for free?
