Thursday, December 14, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Letterman
"By the way, welcome to New York City. Isn’t this a great time to be in New York City? You know what is the best thing about New York City this time of year during the holidays? The children, the faces of the kids, am I right? The faces of the kids, and take a good look at those faces because you may have to pick them out of a lineup.”
"Has anybody started Christmas shopping yet? The hottest toy, the biggest toy seller so far for the holidays is this new Elmo doll. Have you read about this? Have you seen it? Apparently, it will bend over – the doll bends over, it will fall on the floor and roll around, it has what they call ‘interactive tickle spots’ – I’m sorry, that’s Paris Hilton.”
"Ladies and gentlemen, here’s great news: Sylvester Stallone has a new ‘Rocky’ movie. I’ve actually seen the new ‘Rocky’ movie and it’s not that exciting. It’s about how Rocky develops a hamburger grill.”
"But it’s interesting, Sylvester Stallone says that he abstained from sex while making his latest ‘Rocky’ sequel. Abstained from sex while he was making the sequel, and I was thinking, ‘Well, hey, Sylvester, how about going ahead and having sex and abstain from making sequels?’”
"Listen to this: a new poll, one in five Americans believe that they can’t trust President Bush. One in five Americans can’t trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie than trusting President Bush.”
"You know, they had the Iraqi commission report and President Bush says he will now not make a decision about getting out of Iraq till 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought – yeah, unlike getting us into Iraq.”
"This is an anniversary, you know what happened in 2003, on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. Remember that? And isn’t it nice that since Saddam Hussein has been captured, we haven’t had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons?”
"Are you always looking for ways to lose weight? Well, according to a new report, you can lose 200 calories a day by having sex. Two hundred calories a day by having sex – I burn up 200 calories just trying to get the safety cap off the Viagra. But I was thinking about it, 200 calories a day – so, well, hell, instead of going on the Jenny Craig diet, you know, you can just go on Jenny Craig.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Are Not One Of The Most Fascinating People Of 2006
10. You're 37, but you still answer the phone, "Hello, mommy?"
9. Only person who'll interview you is Barbara Walters' nephew, Duane Walters
8. You spend your paycheck on strippers and Slim Jim's
7. Favorite topic of conversation? Thumbtacks
6. Al Gore told you to stop drinking on and on
5. Proudest day was when you unscrambled "dgo" in the "Jumble"
4. Your catchphrase is "Can't, I'm allergic"
3. The public adores you - "The public" being your garage full of raccoons
2. You convened the Iraq study group to determine the state of your underpants
1. You're in charge of onions at Taco Bell
Leno
I come out here and I see all these people coming at me. I feel like Nicole Richie going the wrong way on the freeway. That’s been the big story here in Hollywood for the last couple of days. Nicole Richie arrested on a DUI. At first Nicole tried to hide from the police by pretending to be a dashboard ornament. She admitted to officers that she had taken vicodin. In fact, it was obvious that she swallowed it whole because you could still see the vicodin pill sticking out of each side of her throat. I guess she took the vicodin as a painkiller in anticipation of a head on collision. That shows she’s thinking. I’m not sure where she was going. But I think we can safely rule out hometown buffet.
The federal government conducted raids yesterday of illegal immigrants at swift meat packing plants all around the country. 1,300 illegal workers – or as we call that in L.A., a home depot parking lot. It’s expected that the 1,300 illegal workers will be processed today, deported on Thursday, and hopefully back at work by Friday.
A judge has ruled because all paper money feels the same, the government discriminates against the blind. I think that is unfair. The government doesn’t discriminate against the blind. Isn’t that who lead us into Iraq? A top strategist at the pentagon says the war on terror could take 100 years. Today President Bush warned against setting these timetables. President Bush said today, “I will not be rushed into a decision on Iraq.” I guess one time is enough for him.
The new head of the house intelligence committee, congressman Sylvester Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations given to him by the congressional quarterly... He didn’t know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite. He didn’t seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently the term “intelligence committee” is just a suggestion, not a requirement.
The idiot president of Iran is holding a conference on whether or not the holocaust took place. Oh shut up. The good news? The conference is being catered by Taco Bell.
The FBI says there’s now a surge in crystal meth labs out in the wooded areas to evade detection. They’re urging hunters to be on the lookout. They say meth labs hidden in wooded areas are dangerous because wildlife can unintentionally discover the drugs and eat them. So if you see a bear who should be hibernating, but he’s doing jazzerobics instead, approach with caution.
The justice department announced that a record number of americans are behind bars this year. And those are just Cincinnati Bengals. Eight Bengals players have been arrested just this year. To which Oakland raider fans said, “why can’t you arrest any of our players?!”
A company announced this week they are now coming out with chewable birth control pills. Hey guys, let me tell you something, if the girl you are having sex with says she wants the chewable ones, she’s way too young. Okay? If she wants Flintstones on them, you’re going to jail!
In the current “Vogue” magazine there’s an interview with Angelina Jolie and she said that she is not really into snuggling, cuddling, hugging, or crying. You thought guys liked her before. Dream girl!
Letterman
"By the way, welcome to New York City. Isn’t this a great time to be in New York City? You know what is the best thing about New York City this time of year during the holidays? The children, the faces of the kids, am I right? The faces of the kids, and take a good look at those faces because you may have to pick them out of a lineup.”
"Has anybody started Christmas shopping yet? The hottest toy, the biggest toy seller so far for the holidays is this new Elmo doll. Have you read about this? Have you seen it? Apparently, it will bend over – the doll bends over, it will fall on the floor and roll around, it has what they call ‘interactive tickle spots’ – I’m sorry, that’s Paris Hilton.”
"Ladies and gentlemen, here’s great news: Sylvester Stallone has a new ‘Rocky’ movie. I’ve actually seen the new ‘Rocky’ movie and it’s not that exciting. It’s about how Rocky develops a hamburger grill.”
"But it’s interesting, Sylvester Stallone says that he abstained from sex while making his latest ‘Rocky’ sequel. Abstained from sex while he was making the sequel, and I was thinking, ‘Well, hey, Sylvester, how about going ahead and having sex and abstain from making sequels?’”
"Listen to this: a new poll, one in five Americans believe that they can’t trust President Bush. One in five Americans can’t trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie than trusting President Bush.”
"You know, they had the Iraqi commission report and President Bush says he will now not make a decision about getting out of Iraq till 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought – yeah, unlike getting us into Iraq.”
"This is an anniversary, you know what happened in 2003, on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. Remember that? And isn’t it nice that since Saddam Hussein has been captured, we haven’t had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons?”
"Are you always looking for ways to lose weight? Well, according to a new report, you can lose 200 calories a day by having sex. Two hundred calories a day by having sex – I burn up 200 calories just trying to get the safety cap off the Viagra. But I was thinking about it, 200 calories a day – so, well, hell, instead of going on the Jenny Craig diet, you know, you can just go on Jenny Craig.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Are Not One Of The Most Fascinating People Of 2006
10. You're 37, but you still answer the phone, "Hello, mommy?"
9. Only person who'll interview you is Barbara Walters' nephew, Duane Walters
8. You spend your paycheck on strippers and Slim Jim's
7. Favorite topic of conversation? Thumbtacks
6. Al Gore told you to stop drinking on and on
5. Proudest day was when you unscrambled "dgo" in the "Jumble"
4. Your catchphrase is "Can't, I'm allergic"
3. The public adores you - "The public" being your garage full of raccoons
2. You convened the Iraq study group to determine the state of your underpants
1. You're in charge of onions at Taco Bell
Leno
I come out here and I see all these people coming at me. I feel like Nicole Richie going the wrong way on the freeway. That’s been the big story here in Hollywood for the last couple of days. Nicole Richie arrested on a DUI. At first Nicole tried to hide from the police by pretending to be a dashboard ornament. She admitted to officers that she had taken vicodin. In fact, it was obvious that she swallowed it whole because you could still see the vicodin pill sticking out of each side of her throat. I guess she took the vicodin as a painkiller in anticipation of a head on collision. That shows she’s thinking. I’m not sure where she was going. But I think we can safely rule out hometown buffet.
The federal government conducted raids yesterday of illegal immigrants at swift meat packing plants all around the country. 1,300 illegal workers – or as we call that in L.A., a home depot parking lot. It’s expected that the 1,300 illegal workers will be processed today, deported on Thursday, and hopefully back at work by Friday.
A judge has ruled because all paper money feels the same, the government discriminates against the blind. I think that is unfair. The government doesn’t discriminate against the blind. Isn’t that who lead us into Iraq? A top strategist at the pentagon says the war on terror could take 100 years. Today President Bush warned against setting these timetables. President Bush said today, “I will not be rushed into a decision on Iraq.” I guess one time is enough for him.
The new head of the house intelligence committee, congressman Sylvester Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations given to him by the congressional quarterly... He didn’t know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite. He didn’t seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently the term “intelligence committee” is just a suggestion, not a requirement.
The idiot president of Iran is holding a conference on whether or not the holocaust took place. Oh shut up. The good news? The conference is being catered by Taco Bell.
The FBI says there’s now a surge in crystal meth labs out in the wooded areas to evade detection. They’re urging hunters to be on the lookout. They say meth labs hidden in wooded areas are dangerous because wildlife can unintentionally discover the drugs and eat them. So if you see a bear who should be hibernating, but he’s doing jazzerobics instead, approach with caution.
The justice department announced that a record number of americans are behind bars this year. And those are just Cincinnati Bengals. Eight Bengals players have been arrested just this year. To which Oakland raider fans said, “why can’t you arrest any of our players?!”
A company announced this week they are now coming out with chewable birth control pills. Hey guys, let me tell you something, if the girl you are having sex with says she wants the chewable ones, she’s way too young. Okay? If she wants Flintstones on them, you’re going to jail!
In the current “Vogue” magazine there’s an interview with Angelina Jolie and she said that she is not really into snuggling, cuddling, hugging, or crying. You thought guys liked her before. Dream girl!
