Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
A new U.N report says that methane gas from cows is a bigger contributor to global warming than emissions from automobiles. So this explains Al Gore’s weight gain. Singled handedly he has been taking care of the problem one hamburger at a time.
Smog is bad in Tehran, Iran. Apparently they have a huge problem there. It’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb right in front of them while they’re working.
Mel Gibson’s "Apocalypto” is a big hit at the box office. It’s about a group of people that vanish in Mexico. The original title was "From Here to Wal-Mart”.
Actor Wesley Snipes has been arrested. Still no word yet on Osama bin Laden.
Conan
Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro-wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling.
Letterman
"Thank you so much, and welcome to a show of this kind. Welcome to this kind of show – or as the staff calls it, 'Apocalypto.'"
"Now, here is another surprise: you know what the number one movies was? 'Apolcalypto' – how many of you folks got a chance to sneak out and see 'Apocalypto'? It's a Mel Gibson movie and chronicles the collapse of the Mayan civilization, and you know who Mel is blaming for that."
"'Apocalpyto' – but it is a terribly violent motion picture. It shows bloody human sacrifices, and Donald Rumsfeld is calling it the 'feel-good movie of the year.'"
"Let me ask you a question: do you like science? Do you also like scientific discoveries? You know, when I came out here, I could tell. Scientists have found a 50 million-year-old shrimp, 50 million-year-old shrimp – it was in the seafood salad at Taco Bell."
"By the way, Taco Bell has a new menu item: it is the 'chili con coli'... Talk abut thinking outside the bun. What? Look out."
"And how about the new Iraq study group? They have release their 142-page report. And President Bush has not commented. He said, 'I'm not going to comment on this until I've completely ignored it.'"
"Here is some good news: Dick Cheney's daughter, who happens to be a lesbian, is pregnant. You can't get me on this one."
Leno
The Christmas tree at the White House fell over. Actually, it didn’t really fall. What happened was president Bush was standing next to it when a photographer walked into the room and apparently the tree was trying to distance himself from President Bush.
President Bush has received a copy of the 96 page Iraq study group report. When they gave it to him President Bush said, "Don’t tell me how it ends.” And they said, "It doesn’t.”
Happy birthday to senator John Kerry. This is his 63rd birthday. They threw him a surprise party for him. Well, they think he was surprised…with his personality it’s hard to tell. Instead of blowing out the candles he just talked to them until all the life just flickered out.
According to a U.N. report, methane gas from cows is more damaging to the environment than automobile emissions... That explains why Al Gore has put on so much weight ... He is trying to single-handedly rid the world of cows, one cheeseburger at a time.
If you think smog is bad here, it’s being reported that the city of Tehran in Iran is having a huge smog problem. Apparently the smog in that city is so bad Iranian scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb they claim they’re not working on.
Mel Gibson’s new movie "Aapocalypto” is the number one movie in the country. It’s about a huge group of people who vanish from Mexico. In fact, the original title was "from here to Wal-mart.” But they changed it later.
Speaking of that, a man in a Wal-mart in Oklahoma…shopping at Wal-mart, found a plastic bag of cocaine on one of it’s shelves. Here’s the interesting part, it was marked down to $1.35. They really do have low prices. No one can figure out how it got there. They are now saying that they don’t believe the cocaine belonged to an employee because nobody working at Wal-mart can afford cocaine. In fact, one elderly greeter said, "the wife and I can barely afford a hit of crystal meth on the weekends.”
This week a group of evangelical ministers have started working with the reverend Ted Haggard…remember he got caught with a male prostitute…they are working with him on his "restoration plan" to transform him from gay to straight. They say they're going to spend a lot of time counseling him and having "soul-bearing" talks and then they will sit around and discuss their feelings. Doesn't that sound kind of gay?
It has happened again. In Fort Collins, Colorado, a 29-year-old female schoolteacher is accused of having sexual relations with a 17-year-old male student. According to the court affidavit, they did everything except actually have sex. They simulated sex with their clothes on. Or as we call that when I was in high school, the prom.
A woman in fort wayne, Indiana is suing because she got shot in her car at a Taco Bell drive through restaurant. She said that Taco Bell should have done more to protect her from people. Hey, Taco Bell can’t even protect her from their own food. Bullets are the least of your problems at Taco Bell. Because of this e. Coli outbreak, Taco Bell is going to have to make major changes in their sanitation procedures... Or, maybe just lower their price.
This weekend, we also had the opening of the film, "Unaccompanied Minors.” Or as [ex-]congressman Mark Foley calls it, "The greatest movie ever made.”
Letterman's Top Ten
10. "Are my affairs in order?"
9. "Why is the counter kid wearing a hazmat suit?"
8. "Will the hot sauce kill the bacteria?"
7. "Is this how they poisoned that Russian spy?"
6. "Do I really want to succumb to a taco-related death?"
5. "Should I go somewhere safer for lunch like Fallujah?"
4. "Will this help me meet the recommended E.coli daily requirement?"
3. (No number 3 -- writer ate a bad chalupa)
2. "What would Kristie Alleyy do?"
1. "Wait - when was Taco Bell not tainted with E.coli?"
Leno
A new U.N report says that methane gas from cows is a bigger contributor to global warming than emissions from automobiles. So this explains Al Gore’s weight gain. Singled handedly he has been taking care of the problem one hamburger at a time.
Smog is bad in Tehran, Iran. Apparently they have a huge problem there. It’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb right in front of them while they’re working.
Mel Gibson’s "Apocalypto” is a big hit at the box office. It’s about a group of people that vanish in Mexico. The original title was "From Here to Wal-Mart”.
Actor Wesley Snipes has been arrested. Still no word yet on Osama bin Laden.
Conan
Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro-wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling.
Letterman
"Thank you so much, and welcome to a show of this kind. Welcome to this kind of show – or as the staff calls it, 'Apocalypto.'"
"Now, here is another surprise: you know what the number one movies was? 'Apolcalypto' – how many of you folks got a chance to sneak out and see 'Apocalypto'? It's a Mel Gibson movie and chronicles the collapse of the Mayan civilization, and you know who Mel is blaming for that."
"'Apocalpyto' – but it is a terribly violent motion picture. It shows bloody human sacrifices, and Donald Rumsfeld is calling it the 'feel-good movie of the year.'"
"Let me ask you a question: do you like science? Do you also like scientific discoveries? You know, when I came out here, I could tell. Scientists have found a 50 million-year-old shrimp, 50 million-year-old shrimp – it was in the seafood salad at Taco Bell."
"By the way, Taco Bell has a new menu item: it is the 'chili con coli'... Talk abut thinking outside the bun. What? Look out."
"And how about the new Iraq study group? They have release their 142-page report. And President Bush has not commented. He said, 'I'm not going to comment on this until I've completely ignored it.'"
"Here is some good news: Dick Cheney's daughter, who happens to be a lesbian, is pregnant. You can't get me on this one."
Leno
The Christmas tree at the White House fell over. Actually, it didn’t really fall. What happened was president Bush was standing next to it when a photographer walked into the room and apparently the tree was trying to distance himself from President Bush.
President Bush has received a copy of the 96 page Iraq study group report. When they gave it to him President Bush said, "Don’t tell me how it ends.” And they said, "It doesn’t.”
Happy birthday to senator John Kerry. This is his 63rd birthday. They threw him a surprise party for him. Well, they think he was surprised…with his personality it’s hard to tell. Instead of blowing out the candles he just talked to them until all the life just flickered out.
According to a U.N. report, methane gas from cows is more damaging to the environment than automobile emissions... That explains why Al Gore has put on so much weight ... He is trying to single-handedly rid the world of cows, one cheeseburger at a time.
If you think smog is bad here, it’s being reported that the city of Tehran in Iran is having a huge smog problem. Apparently the smog in that city is so bad Iranian scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb they claim they’re not working on.
Mel Gibson’s new movie "Aapocalypto” is the number one movie in the country. It’s about a huge group of people who vanish from Mexico. In fact, the original title was "from here to Wal-mart.” But they changed it later.
Speaking of that, a man in a Wal-mart in Oklahoma…shopping at Wal-mart, found a plastic bag of cocaine on one of it’s shelves. Here’s the interesting part, it was marked down to $1.35. They really do have low prices. No one can figure out how it got there. They are now saying that they don’t believe the cocaine belonged to an employee because nobody working at Wal-mart can afford cocaine. In fact, one elderly greeter said, "the wife and I can barely afford a hit of crystal meth on the weekends.”
This week a group of evangelical ministers have started working with the reverend Ted Haggard…remember he got caught with a male prostitute…they are working with him on his "restoration plan" to transform him from gay to straight. They say they're going to spend a lot of time counseling him and having "soul-bearing" talks and then they will sit around and discuss their feelings. Doesn't that sound kind of gay?
It has happened again. In Fort Collins, Colorado, a 29-year-old female schoolteacher is accused of having sexual relations with a 17-year-old male student. According to the court affidavit, they did everything except actually have sex. They simulated sex with their clothes on. Or as we call that when I was in high school, the prom.
A woman in fort wayne, Indiana is suing because she got shot in her car at a Taco Bell drive through restaurant. She said that Taco Bell should have done more to protect her from people. Hey, Taco Bell can’t even protect her from their own food. Bullets are the least of your problems at Taco Bell. Because of this e. Coli outbreak, Taco Bell is going to have to make major changes in their sanitation procedures... Or, maybe just lower their price.
This weekend, we also had the opening of the film, "Unaccompanied Minors.” Or as [ex-]congressman Mark Foley calls it, "The greatest movie ever made.”
Letterman's Top Ten
10. "Are my affairs in order?"
9. "Why is the counter kid wearing a hazmat suit?"
8. "Will the hot sauce kill the bacteria?"
7. "Is this how they poisoned that Russian spy?"
6. "Do I really want to succumb to a taco-related death?"
5. "Should I go somewhere safer for lunch like Fallujah?"
4. "Will this help me meet the recommended E.coli daily requirement?"
3. (No number 3 -- writer ate a bad chalupa)
2. "What would Kristie Alleyy do?"
1. "Wait - when was Taco Bell not tainted with E.coli?"
