Monday, December 18, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
How about this weather? It was so cold Jessica Simpson let Jack Frost nip at her nose just so she could look more like her sister Ashlee.
I almost didn’t make it here tonight. I was out late partying with miss USA. Did you hear about this? Miss USA, Tara Connor from Kentucky, could be stripped of her crown this week for "behavioral issues”. She’s reportedly partying too much and that’s preventing her from performing her official duties, which are what? She’s miss USA. What do they do? You’ve so drunk you can’t wave now?
Of course we are right in the middle of Hanukah. Hanukah started last Friday. Christmas is, of course, next week. I had a Jewish friend of mine converted to Christianity last Thursday. It wasn’t for religious reasons, he just hadn’t bought his wife a gift yet and needed the extra time. "What’s the next holiday? Make me one of those.”
Did you know that President Bush was the first U.S. president to light a menorah at the white house. Although Bill Clinton was the first president to use candles for mood lighting in the oval office. The aroma ones.
President Bush is going to announce his new plan to keep the Sunnis and Shiites from trying to kill each other. Hey, good luck! We can’t even keep the New York Knicks and Denver Nuggets from trying to kill each other. Did you see that huge brawl yesterday at Madison Square Garden during the Knicks/Nugget game? A bunch of players were suspended for up to ten games. Carmelo Anthony suspended for 15 games. It’s a miracle no one was seriously injured. Witnesses say it could have been worse, but luckily the Knicks punches were all air balls.
Over the weekend Indiana Senator Evan Bayh dropped out of the presidential race. I didn’t even know that he had dropped in. Momentum continues for Barack Obama’s campaign. In fact, do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is - -Hussein. Hussein! It could be worse – it could be Kerry.
Time magazine has named "you” as ‘person of the year.’ that’s right, everyone is being honored by the magazine. They say "you” the public have the biggest affect on the world this year by using the internet. Of course, guys are going, "what? We got an award for looking at porn?”
You know people are going to start putting that on their resume. 2004 worked at the carwash. 2005 manned the window at McDonald’s. Oh and 2006 I was "Time” magazine "person of the year.” Here’s my question, if we’re all "person of the year” why should we have to pay $4.95 to read about it? We won, shouldn’t we be getting a free copy?
One of India’s top computer service firms announced today it is going to start outsourcing its work to Egypt. They have so much work they are outsourcing to Egypt. You know what’s going to happen here—we’re going to call India for computer help, the call will get sent to Egypt and they’ll be so busy they’ll send it to a company in Arizona that can do it cheaper because they hired illegal workers from Mexico. Full circle.
Speaking of that, a California company that was hired to build a fence along the border with Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Isn’t that unbelievable? Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they've ever seen.
The Roman Catholic archdiocese in Los Angeles has agreed to pay $60 million to settle 45 sexual abuse lawsuits. This is all part of the church’s new, "We have left the child’s behind” program.
Congratulations to Britain’s Prince William. He’s graduated from the prestigious Sandhurst military academy as an army officer. Today president bush called him to say "you know, your dad can get you out of this. It’s not too late.”
Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones had a birthday today. Happy birthday to him. No word on how old he is, the autopsy results not in yet. But we should know…
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Miss USA Excuses
10. "Thought a slutty Miss USA could help make America popular again"
9. "Haven't been myself since I heard Rumsfeld was retiring"
8. "Cracked under the pressure of having to smile and wave at people for a year"
7. "Russians drugged my sushi"
6. "If a hot babe can't get drunk, sleep around and make out with her female roommate, the terrorists have won"
5. "I told them my talent was 'beer pong'"
4. "It's Isiah Thomas' fault"
3. "Too drunk to think of a number 3"
2. "Wanted to skip straight to the has-been portion of my career"
1. "Why should Paris Hilton get all the 'drunken whore' ink?"
Leno
How about this weather? It was so cold Jessica Simpson let Jack Frost nip at her nose just so she could look more like her sister Ashlee.
I almost didn’t make it here tonight. I was out late partying with miss USA. Did you hear about this? Miss USA, Tara Connor from Kentucky, could be stripped of her crown this week for "behavioral issues”. She’s reportedly partying too much and that’s preventing her from performing her official duties, which are what? She’s miss USA. What do they do? You’ve so drunk you can’t wave now?
Of course we are right in the middle of Hanukah. Hanukah started last Friday. Christmas is, of course, next week. I had a Jewish friend of mine converted to Christianity last Thursday. It wasn’t for religious reasons, he just hadn’t bought his wife a gift yet and needed the extra time. "What’s the next holiday? Make me one of those.”
Did you know that President Bush was the first U.S. president to light a menorah at the white house. Although Bill Clinton was the first president to use candles for mood lighting in the oval office. The aroma ones.
President Bush is going to announce his new plan to keep the Sunnis and Shiites from trying to kill each other. Hey, good luck! We can’t even keep the New York Knicks and Denver Nuggets from trying to kill each other. Did you see that huge brawl yesterday at Madison Square Garden during the Knicks/Nugget game? A bunch of players were suspended for up to ten games. Carmelo Anthony suspended for 15 games. It’s a miracle no one was seriously injured. Witnesses say it could have been worse, but luckily the Knicks punches were all air balls.
Over the weekend Indiana Senator Evan Bayh dropped out of the presidential race. I didn’t even know that he had dropped in. Momentum continues for Barack Obama’s campaign. In fact, do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is - -Hussein. Hussein! It could be worse – it could be Kerry.
Time magazine has named "you” as ‘person of the year.’ that’s right, everyone is being honored by the magazine. They say "you” the public have the biggest affect on the world this year by using the internet. Of course, guys are going, "what? We got an award for looking at porn?”
You know people are going to start putting that on their resume. 2004 worked at the carwash. 2005 manned the window at McDonald’s. Oh and 2006 I was "Time” magazine "person of the year.” Here’s my question, if we’re all "person of the year” why should we have to pay $4.95 to read about it? We won, shouldn’t we be getting a free copy?
One of India’s top computer service firms announced today it is going to start outsourcing its work to Egypt. They have so much work they are outsourcing to Egypt. You know what’s going to happen here—we’re going to call India for computer help, the call will get sent to Egypt and they’ll be so busy they’ll send it to a company in Arizona that can do it cheaper because they hired illegal workers from Mexico. Full circle.
Speaking of that, a California company that was hired to build a fence along the border with Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Isn’t that unbelievable? Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they've ever seen.
The Roman Catholic archdiocese in Los Angeles has agreed to pay $60 million to settle 45 sexual abuse lawsuits. This is all part of the church’s new, "We have left the child’s behind” program.
Congratulations to Britain’s Prince William. He’s graduated from the prestigious Sandhurst military academy as an army officer. Today president bush called him to say "you know, your dad can get you out of this. It’s not too late.”
Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones had a birthday today. Happy birthday to him. No word on how old he is, the autopsy results not in yet. But we should know…
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Miss USA Excuses
10. "Thought a slutty Miss USA could help make America popular again"
9. "Haven't been myself since I heard Rumsfeld was retiring"
8. "Cracked under the pressure of having to smile and wave at people for a year"
7. "Russians drugged my sushi"
6. "If a hot babe can't get drunk, sleep around and make out with her female roommate, the terrorists have won"
5. "I told them my talent was 'beer pong'"
4. "It's Isiah Thomas' fault"
3. "Too drunk to think of a number 3"
2. "Wanted to skip straight to the has-been portion of my career"
1. "Why should Paris Hilton get all the 'drunken whore' ink?"
