Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Big announcement from Senator Hillary Clinton. She now says that she wouldn’t have voted to authorize president bush’s attack on Iraq if she knew what she knows now. Big deal. She wouldn’t have married bill Clinton if she knew what she knows now.
The president of Iran an embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections ... Apparently he and president bush have more in common then they realize.
President Bush said this week that Mary Cheney, the vice president’s lesbian daughter that is pregnant, will make a fine mom and a darn good dad too.
There is now a new law outlawing melting down pennies and nickels for profit. Based on current metal prices, both pennies and nickels are worth more melted down. Leave it to the government to figure out a way to lose money while making money. They are making money and their still losing money doing it.
I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend in Christmas cards this year are "DVD cards” – instead of a letter about your family and what you did this year, you put your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting ... you know why? They make great coasters.
Every year since I was a kid I hear people say that Christmas has become too commercialized. You ever hear people say that? Do you think atheist ever complain that Christmas hasn’t become commercialized enough? Do you think they complain that people are too caught up in the true meaning of Christmas? I think you have to be in a certain state of mind for it to be funny. You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know, the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable networks is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can see with absolute clarity that you have no life.
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, "time” magazine has named "everyone” their person of the year. They said everyone in the world is person of the year. And yet, al gore still came in second. How does that work? They made everyone person of the year, for transforming the information age by using the internet. Remember when you had to be an influential person, someone who changed the world to be "time’s person of the year”? Now all you have to do is download porn. You’re person of the year.
Today in Maine police arrested three illegal Mexican immigrants. How lost were these guys? "San Diego? San Diego?”
This weekend NBC is airing the movie "The Year Without Santa Claus.” It’s about Santa not wanting to do Christmas one year and he tries to get away from everyone. What better place for Santa to hide than NBC primetime! No chance of anyone seeing him there. Santa you are safe.
Conan
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel and know-how to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said, "It's the least we can do after stealing their land."
Over the weekend Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, "I'm not going to believe this President again." Hillary said, "To be fair, I stopped believing Presidents about 10 years ago."
This week in Arizona, the FBI arrested a group of military recruiters who were dealing cocaine from their recruiting offices. When asked about the cocaine, the recruiters said, "How else can we do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day?"
Robert Gates, the new Secretary of Defense, was sworn in today, and during his speech he thanked his 93-year-old mother. After the speech, Gates' 93-year-old mother told her boy to go out there and kick the Kaiser's ass.
A record company is holding a contest to find an unknown singer to sing with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Apparently, they've narrowed "the unknown singer" down to any of the other guys from N'Sync.
The current Miss USA may have her title taken away because she recently spotted making out in a bar with Miss Teen USA. Those who witnessed the kiss say they haven't seen people chant "USA" like that since the 1980 Olympics.
Leno
Big announcement from Senator Hillary Clinton. She now says that she wouldn’t have voted to authorize president bush’s attack on Iraq if she knew what she knows now. Big deal. She wouldn’t have married bill Clinton if she knew what she knows now.
The president of Iran an embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections ... Apparently he and president bush have more in common then they realize.
President Bush said this week that Mary Cheney, the vice president’s lesbian daughter that is pregnant, will make a fine mom and a darn good dad too.
There is now a new law outlawing melting down pennies and nickels for profit. Based on current metal prices, both pennies and nickels are worth more melted down. Leave it to the government to figure out a way to lose money while making money. They are making money and their still losing money doing it.
I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend in Christmas cards this year are "DVD cards” – instead of a letter about your family and what you did this year, you put your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting ... you know why? They make great coasters.
Every year since I was a kid I hear people say that Christmas has become too commercialized. You ever hear people say that? Do you think atheist ever complain that Christmas hasn’t become commercialized enough? Do you think they complain that people are too caught up in the true meaning of Christmas? I think you have to be in a certain state of mind for it to be funny. You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know, the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable networks is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can see with absolute clarity that you have no life.
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, "time” magazine has named "everyone” their person of the year. They said everyone in the world is person of the year. And yet, al gore still came in second. How does that work? They made everyone person of the year, for transforming the information age by using the internet. Remember when you had to be an influential person, someone who changed the world to be "time’s person of the year”? Now all you have to do is download porn. You’re person of the year.
Today in Maine police arrested three illegal Mexican immigrants. How lost were these guys? "San Diego? San Diego?”
This weekend NBC is airing the movie "The Year Without Santa Claus.” It’s about Santa not wanting to do Christmas one year and he tries to get away from everyone. What better place for Santa to hide than NBC primetime! No chance of anyone seeing him there. Santa you are safe.
Conan
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel and know-how to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said, "It's the least we can do after stealing their land."
Over the weekend Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, "I'm not going to believe this President again." Hillary said, "To be fair, I stopped believing Presidents about 10 years ago."
This week in Arizona, the FBI arrested a group of military recruiters who were dealing cocaine from their recruiting offices. When asked about the cocaine, the recruiters said, "How else can we do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day?"
Robert Gates, the new Secretary of Defense, was sworn in today, and during his speech he thanked his 93-year-old mother. After the speech, Gates' 93-year-old mother told her boy to go out there and kick the Kaiser's ass.
A record company is holding a contest to find an unknown singer to sing with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Apparently, they've narrowed "the unknown singer" down to any of the other guys from N'Sync.
The current Miss USA may have her title taken away because she recently spotted making out in a bar with Miss Teen USA. Those who witnessed the kiss say they haven't seen people chant "USA" like that since the 1980 Olympics.
