Saturday, December 16, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Conan
Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn’t stop the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is going to drown.
The White House has hired a new pastry chef. The uncomfortable thing is that he was also hired to be the Secretary of Defense.
Over 250 people got sick after eating at an Indiana Olive Garden restaurant. People are afraid this will ruin Indiana’s reputation for fine Italian food.
Plastic surgeons have been using Botox for years to fight wrinkles, but now doctors are saying that Botox can also be used to relieve constipation. Which is good - because if you can't move your face, you should at least be able to move your bowels.
In a recent interview, Kirstie Alley says she makes her boyfriends wait six months before she'll have sex with them. They insist on waiting twelve months.
Letterman
"I'm so glad you people are here tonight. You seem like a wonderful, nice friendly group and thank God and God bless you. Last night we had a horrible audience. Halfway through the show, the Baker commission declared the situation grave and deteriorating."
"Here's good news, I guess: New York City has banned trans fat from fast foods. Don't worry, you can still get E. Coli."
"You folks been to Taco Bell lately? They have a wonderful new menu item, it's the 'Taco Apocalypto.'"
"But you know, Taco Bell's slogan for a long, long time was 'Think outside the bun.' That was their slogan. They have changed the slogan now, it's a little different: the slogan is 'Look outside for the ambulance.'"
"Well, it's that time, a couple months away from the big Super Bowl – you folks excited about the Super Bowl? And they announced the entertainment for this year's Super Bow half time – it will be Prince. Prince, Prince – that's great. Did they even look at my audition tape?"
"But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it? I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the elevator and they were playing – Kenny G was playing in the elevator and I gave him a nice tip."
"And tonight, by the way, is the beginning of Hanukkah, and everybody is in the Hanukkah spirit. Earlier today, yes, earlier today, a Giants receiver dropped a matzo ball."
"First night of Hanukkah – down in Washington, D.C., a confused George W. Bush went hunting for colored eggs."
Ferguson
Of course tonight is a very special Friday night. It is the first night of Hanukkah tonight. Happy Hanukkah everybody. Very busy party season starts in Los Angeles now. Tonight after the show, I’ll be going to Mel Gibson’s Hanukkah party. Then I’m going over to Kramer’s to celebrate Kwanzaa.
The Pentagon held a party today. The farewell party for Donald Rumsfeld. They did. They actually had a farewell party. Everyone in Washington said party was disaster, but Rumsfeld insists, no it was a success and the party is still going on. No one can figure how to get out of the party.
Conan
Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn’t stop the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is going to drown.
The White House has hired a new pastry chef. The uncomfortable thing is that he was also hired to be the Secretary of Defense.
Over 250 people got sick after eating at an Indiana Olive Garden restaurant. People are afraid this will ruin Indiana’s reputation for fine Italian food.
Plastic surgeons have been using Botox for years to fight wrinkles, but now doctors are saying that Botox can also be used to relieve constipation. Which is good - because if you can't move your face, you should at least be able to move your bowels.
In a recent interview, Kirstie Alley says she makes her boyfriends wait six months before she'll have sex with them. They insist on waiting twelve months.
Letterman
"I'm so glad you people are here tonight. You seem like a wonderful, nice friendly group and thank God and God bless you. Last night we had a horrible audience. Halfway through the show, the Baker commission declared the situation grave and deteriorating."
"Here's good news, I guess: New York City has banned trans fat from fast foods. Don't worry, you can still get E. Coli."
"You folks been to Taco Bell lately? They have a wonderful new menu item, it's the 'Taco Apocalypto.'"
"But you know, Taco Bell's slogan for a long, long time was 'Think outside the bun.' That was their slogan. They have changed the slogan now, it's a little different: the slogan is 'Look outside for the ambulance.'"
"Well, it's that time, a couple months away from the big Super Bowl – you folks excited about the Super Bowl? And they announced the entertainment for this year's Super Bow half time – it will be Prince. Prince, Prince – that's great. Did they even look at my audition tape?"
"But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it? I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the elevator and they were playing – Kenny G was playing in the elevator and I gave him a nice tip."
"And tonight, by the way, is the beginning of Hanukkah, and everybody is in the Hanukkah spirit. Earlier today, yes, earlier today, a Giants receiver dropped a matzo ball."
"First night of Hanukkah – down in Washington, D.C., a confused George W. Bush went hunting for colored eggs."
Ferguson
Of course tonight is a very special Friday night. It is the first night of Hanukkah tonight. Happy Hanukkah everybody. Very busy party season starts in Los Angeles now. Tonight after the show, I’ll be going to Mel Gibson’s Hanukkah party. Then I’m going over to Kramer’s to celebrate Kwanzaa.
The Pentagon held a party today. The farewell party for Donald Rumsfeld. They did. They actually had a farewell party. Everyone in Washington said party was disaster, but Rumsfeld insists, no it was a success and the party is still going on. No one can figure how to get out of the party.
