Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Conan
Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, '04 is the number of votes Kucinich received.
Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one.
Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it, Lindsay said, "I passed out six and a half days ago."
Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI after she was caught driving the wrong way on the freeway. Police knew Richie was going the wrong way because she was headed towards a restaurant.
This week in China, the pollution is so bad that residents are being asked to stay indoors. As a result, most Chinese people are staying home and ordering American.
Earlier today, the Taco Bell restaurants that had closed during the E. coli outbreak re-opened and assured customers everything is fine. Taco Bell's spokesman said, "Our customers can go back to experiencing the quality diarrhea they're used to.
Leno
A lot of people are now getting interested in the origin of Barak Obama’s name. It turns out his name is actually Kenyan. It’s the Kenyan word for "Hillary’s worst nightmare.”
A U.N. study has found that methane gas causes more global warming than man. Unless the man has ate at Taco Bell.
Something like 30 people have gotten e.coli from Taco Bell. Don’t you remember the good old days when at fast food chains you only had to worry about finding the occasional finger in your food?
Actually the Taco Bell in New Jersey has reopened as a cruise ship. They just opened it back up and pushed it out to sea.
Half of American consumers are buying gift cards this Christmas. The other half are women.
I can’t decide which happy holiday movie I want to go see. It’s either "Apocalypto” or "Blood Diamond”! I can’t decide.
Letterman
“I’m so glad you people are here. You seem like a nice group. But Last night, what a terrible audience – oh, rough, ugly, and they were heckling me in Mayan.
Have you folks seen the new Mel Gibson movie, ‘Apolcalypto’?” Well, it’s apparently – the whole movie is in ancient Mayan, and I’m thinking to myself, if I want to see a movie that’s incomprehensible in language, well, I’ll just go see ‘Rocky Balboa.’”
“How about that Heisman Trophy winner, Troy Smith, from Ohio State, huh? You know, he was taking his Heisman Trophy home with him and they wouldn’t let him through airport security. Yeah, we can’t get Bin Laden, but we’ve got the Heisman, by God.”
“Did you hear about this? You know the big controversy in the NBA? They introduced a brand-new synthetic ball. Were you aware of this? They’re now playing with a brand-new synthetic ball. And now, people hated it, the players all hated the new synthetic ball, so the league announced that they are going back to the old leather ball. Coincidentally, that’s what Larry King’s wife says when she goes home.”
“Anybody here from Ohio? Well, Dennis Kucinich has announce that he’s running for President in 2008, from Ohio. In a related story, somewhere a tree fell in the forest.”
“Did you hear about this? Former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet was buried yesterday. I believe his last words were, ‘Maybe I’ll have just one more chalupa.’”
“Nicole Richie – how about this? – was arrest for D.U.I. Now, this is serious – she knew she was in trouble when the cops slapped the cuffs around her waist.”
“You like medical surveys and studies about medicine and human activity? Boy, I know I do. And there’s a new study: according to – when you have sex, it burns around 200 calories, when you have sex, 200 calories, yeah. Hell, I burn 200 calories just getting the safety lid off the Viagra.”
Conan
Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, '04 is the number of votes Kucinich received.
Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one.
Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it, Lindsay said, "I passed out six and a half days ago."
Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI after she was caught driving the wrong way on the freeway. Police knew Richie was going the wrong way because she was headed towards a restaurant.
This week in China, the pollution is so bad that residents are being asked to stay indoors. As a result, most Chinese people are staying home and ordering American.
Earlier today, the Taco Bell restaurants that had closed during the E. coli outbreak re-opened and assured customers everything is fine. Taco Bell's spokesman said, "Our customers can go back to experiencing the quality diarrhea they're used to.
Leno
A lot of people are now getting interested in the origin of Barak Obama’s name. It turns out his name is actually Kenyan. It’s the Kenyan word for "Hillary’s worst nightmare.”
A U.N. study has found that methane gas causes more global warming than man. Unless the man has ate at Taco Bell.
Something like 30 people have gotten e.coli from Taco Bell. Don’t you remember the good old days when at fast food chains you only had to worry about finding the occasional finger in your food?
Actually the Taco Bell in New Jersey has reopened as a cruise ship. They just opened it back up and pushed it out to sea.
Half of American consumers are buying gift cards this Christmas. The other half are women.
I can’t decide which happy holiday movie I want to go see. It’s either "Apocalypto” or "Blood Diamond”! I can’t decide.
Letterman
“I’m so glad you people are here. You seem like a nice group. But Last night, what a terrible audience – oh, rough, ugly, and they were heckling me in Mayan.
Have you folks seen the new Mel Gibson movie, ‘Apolcalypto’?” Well, it’s apparently – the whole movie is in ancient Mayan, and I’m thinking to myself, if I want to see a movie that’s incomprehensible in language, well, I’ll just go see ‘Rocky Balboa.’”
“How about that Heisman Trophy winner, Troy Smith, from Ohio State, huh? You know, he was taking his Heisman Trophy home with him and they wouldn’t let him through airport security. Yeah, we can’t get Bin Laden, but we’ve got the Heisman, by God.”
“Did you hear about this? You know the big controversy in the NBA? They introduced a brand-new synthetic ball. Were you aware of this? They’re now playing with a brand-new synthetic ball. And now, people hated it, the players all hated the new synthetic ball, so the league announced that they are going back to the old leather ball. Coincidentally, that’s what Larry King’s wife says when she goes home.”
“Anybody here from Ohio? Well, Dennis Kucinich has announce that he’s running for President in 2008, from Ohio. In a related story, somewhere a tree fell in the forest.”
“Did you hear about this? Former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet was buried yesterday. I believe his last words were, ‘Maybe I’ll have just one more chalupa.’”
“Nicole Richie – how about this? – was arrest for D.U.I. Now, this is serious – she knew she was in trouble when the cops slapped the cuffs around her waist.”
“You like medical surveys and studies about medicine and human activity? Boy, I know I do. And there’s a new study: according to – when you have sex, it burns around 200 calories, when you have sex, 200 calories, yeah. Hell, I burn 200 calories just getting the safety lid off the Viagra.”
