Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Conan
"President Bush visited Estonia Today, and he thanked the Estonian President for sending troops to Iraq. Bush's exact quote was, 'Those two guys are doing a great job.'"
"This week, President Bush is planning to attend a 2-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called: 'Strategies: Whose got one?'"
"There's a rumor right now that Nicole Ritchie recently got breast implants. They thought they were breast implants, actually, it turns out they're just 2 grapes stuck in her windpipe."
"Michael Jackson is planning to follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon- before all the good kids are taken."
"This weekend, Kevin Federline held a Party in a Las Vegas nightclub to celebrate his rap album. Now more than ever people are hoping that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."
"Yesterday, the movie "The Nativity Story", about the birth of Jesus, had it's world premiere at the Vatican. Apparently there was one awkward moment when the guy sitting behind the Pope said, 'Hey pal, take off your friggin hat!'"
"The soap opera 'All My Children' has announced that it will be introducing a new transgender character. As a result, the show will be changing its name to 'All My Children and That Chick With An Adams Apple.'"
Letterman
"Did you hear about this? Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce. Boy, I didn't see that coming. I'm telling you, if these kids can't make a go of it, what chance do any of us have?"
"Here's the record: Pamela got rid of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Unfortunately, she still has two other boobs."
"You know what I like about this time of year? It's all of the holiday specials on TV. It's very – I love it…As a matter of fact, tomorrow night on CBS, they have a holiday special: it's called 'Apology on 34th Street,' starring Michael Richards."
"But Michael Richards now is trying to build a bridge to the black community, and earlier today, he bought a George Foreman grill."
"Here's kind of an odd item in the news: there's a guy in Russia, and he's pulled over by the police. And when he's pulled over, here's what he does: he takes the keys out of the ignition and he swallows them and then he bites the cop. That is essentially me without this show."
"Here's kind of a fascinating change of ideology. NBC has announced that they will now refer to the Iraqi war as a civil war. They're calling the conflict in Iraq a civil war. That's NBC News. And President Bush responded, he said, 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a Civil War until it becomes a series of Time-Life books."
"Here's great news for the holidays: the Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. That's nice, and just what we need at the White House – more dead wood."
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Shows On The New Gay Television Channel
10. "How I Met Your Brother"
9. "Gary's Anatomy"
8. "Desperate Poolboys"
7. "Everybody Loves Raymond...Especially Steve"
6. "The King Of Queens"
5. "Not-So-Smallville"
4. "I Dream Of Gene"
3. "Gays Of Our Lives"
2. "My Name Is Earl And I Like Construction Workers"
1. "His Deal Or No Deal"
Conan
"President Bush visited Estonia Today, and he thanked the Estonian President for sending troops to Iraq. Bush's exact quote was, 'Those two guys are doing a great job.'"
"This week, President Bush is planning to attend a 2-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called: 'Strategies: Whose got one?'"
"There's a rumor right now that Nicole Ritchie recently got breast implants. They thought they were breast implants, actually, it turns out they're just 2 grapes stuck in her windpipe."
"Michael Jackson is planning to follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon- before all the good kids are taken."
"This weekend, Kevin Federline held a Party in a Las Vegas nightclub to celebrate his rap album. Now more than ever people are hoping that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."
"Yesterday, the movie "The Nativity Story", about the birth of Jesus, had it's world premiere at the Vatican. Apparently there was one awkward moment when the guy sitting behind the Pope said, 'Hey pal, take off your friggin hat!'"
"The soap opera 'All My Children' has announced that it will be introducing a new transgender character. As a result, the show will be changing its name to 'All My Children and That Chick With An Adams Apple.'"
Letterman
"Did you hear about this? Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce. Boy, I didn't see that coming. I'm telling you, if these kids can't make a go of it, what chance do any of us have?"
"Here's the record: Pamela got rid of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Unfortunately, she still has two other boobs."
"You know what I like about this time of year? It's all of the holiday specials on TV. It's very – I love it…As a matter of fact, tomorrow night on CBS, they have a holiday special: it's called 'Apology on 34th Street,' starring Michael Richards."
"But Michael Richards now is trying to build a bridge to the black community, and earlier today, he bought a George Foreman grill."
"Here's kind of an odd item in the news: there's a guy in Russia, and he's pulled over by the police. And when he's pulled over, here's what he does: he takes the keys out of the ignition and he swallows them and then he bites the cop. That is essentially me without this show."
"Here's kind of a fascinating change of ideology. NBC has announced that they will now refer to the Iraqi war as a civil war. They're calling the conflict in Iraq a civil war. That's NBC News. And President Bush responded, he said, 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a Civil War until it becomes a series of Time-Life books."
"Here's great news for the holidays: the Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. That's nice, and just what we need at the White House – more dead wood."
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Shows On The New Gay Television Channel
10. "How I Met Your Brother"
9. "Gary's Anatomy"
8. "Desperate Poolboys"
7. "Everybody Loves Raymond...Especially Steve"
6. "The King Of Queens"
5. "Not-So-Smallville"
4. "I Dream Of Gene"
3. "Gays Of Our Lives"
2. "My Name Is Earl And I Like Construction Workers"
1. "His Deal Or No Deal"
