Thursday, September 21, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Willie Nelson was arrested for procession of marijuana earlier this week. Nice to see we’re cracking down on crime in this country!
Police officers said Willie’s bus reeked of pot. That’s when you know it’s bad, when the pot smoke overwhelms the diesel smell of your tour bus.
A giant bus with Willie Nelson on the side. That’s probable cause right there isn’t it?
Whitman’s has come out with a new chocolate that helps you loose weight. Didn’t that used to be called a laxative?
James Watson is getting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was one of the co-finders of DNA. If it wasn’t for DNA we wouldn’t have the "Maury Povich Show”.
Letterman
I have some good news for out-of-towners. The crime rate in New York City has never been lower. All the criminals are stuck in traffic.
It’s ventriloquist week here on the "Late Show”. I’m excited. Even my mom has switched from watching Leno this week.
President Bush was in town the other day. I like it when he’s in town. Someone with lower approval ratings than me.
I think something is wrong. It has to be the stress. When President Bush addressed the U.N. he said Iraq has spinach of mass destruction.
The Iranian President was also at the U.N. He’s trying to win over the American people. He was signing baseballs that say, "Sorry for enriching uranium.”
Mel Gibson’s daughter got married. Hey Mel, don’t think of it as losing a daughter – think of it as gaining another designated driver.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Husband Is Gay
10. You come home to find him handling the gardener's hose.
9. On your wedding day, you wore the same dress.
8. Favorite magazines: "Gourmet" and "Honcho"
7. Your name: Jodi - name he calls out during sex: Lou
6. Constantly leaving that seat down, am I right girls?
5. Bumper sticker reads: "I'd rather be having sex with dudes".
4. During "Brokeback Mountain," He mumbles, "It didn't happen exactly like that."
3. At your sister's wedding reception, he caught the bouquet.
2. Yells, "Honey, I'm home after a long day of gay sex!"
1. Says he got rear-ended but the car looks fine.
Leno
Willie Nelson was arrested for procession of marijuana earlier this week. Nice to see we’re cracking down on crime in this country!
Police officers said Willie’s bus reeked of pot. That’s when you know it’s bad, when the pot smoke overwhelms the diesel smell of your tour bus.
A giant bus with Willie Nelson on the side. That’s probable cause right there isn’t it?
Whitman’s has come out with a new chocolate that helps you loose weight. Didn’t that used to be called a laxative?
James Watson is getting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was one of the co-finders of DNA. If it wasn’t for DNA we wouldn’t have the "Maury Povich Show”.
Letterman
I have some good news for out-of-towners. The crime rate in New York City has never been lower. All the criminals are stuck in traffic.
It’s ventriloquist week here on the "Late Show”. I’m excited. Even my mom has switched from watching Leno this week.
President Bush was in town the other day. I like it when he’s in town. Someone with lower approval ratings than me.
I think something is wrong. It has to be the stress. When President Bush addressed the U.N. he said Iraq has spinach of mass destruction.
The Iranian President was also at the U.N. He’s trying to win over the American people. He was signing baseballs that say, "Sorry for enriching uranium.”
Mel Gibson’s daughter got married. Hey Mel, don’t think of it as losing a daughter – think of it as gaining another designated driver.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Husband Is Gay
10. You come home to find him handling the gardener's hose.
9. On your wedding day, you wore the same dress.
8. Favorite magazines: "Gourmet" and "Honcho"
7. Your name: Jodi - name he calls out during sex: Lou
6. Constantly leaving that seat down, am I right girls?
5. Bumper sticker reads: "I'd rather be having sex with dudes".
4. During "Brokeback Mountain," He mumbles, "It didn't happen exactly like that."
3. At your sister's wedding reception, he caught the bouquet.
2. Yells, "Honey, I'm home after a long day of gay sex!"
1. Says he got rear-ended but the car looks fine.
