Friday, July 28, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Thank you. In the time it took me to walk out here the Dodgers lost six more games.
The Dodgers have now lost 13 or their last 14 games since the All-Star break. In fact, at yesterday’s game even the players left after the fifth inning to beat the traffic.
It was so hot I was sweating like Floyd Landis taking a urine test.
Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don’t we have this already? It’s called MySpace.
Today marks the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro’s revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba’s main export is? Cubans.
It’s now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
On the CNBC show, "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch”, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. At least that's what I think she said, sometimes it’s hard to understand her with her Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.
That’s what she said, Bill Clinton is gay. And today Clinton told Hillary, "That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Those women are all liars. I’m gay.”
Will Ferrel on the show tonight for his new racing movie "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” where he plays one of the most feared men behind the wheel. If you don’t count the Kennedy’s.
Letterman
It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple.
It was so hot my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban.
It was so hot at "The View” that their new cast member is Ted Williams.
It was so hot out that North Korea test launched a long range Popsicle.
It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.
It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11.
Saddam Hussein said at his trial that he wants to be shot instead of hanged. If he was in the U.S. there would be a third option – go to Florida and golf.
Leno
Thank you. In the time it took me to walk out here the Dodgers lost six more games.
The Dodgers have now lost 13 or their last 14 games since the All-Star break. In fact, at yesterday’s game even the players left after the fifth inning to beat the traffic.
It was so hot I was sweating like Floyd Landis taking a urine test.
Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don’t we have this already? It’s called MySpace.
Today marks the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro’s revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba’s main export is? Cubans.
It’s now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
On the CNBC show, "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch”, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. At least that's what I think she said, sometimes it’s hard to understand her with her Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.
That’s what she said, Bill Clinton is gay. And today Clinton told Hillary, "That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Those women are all liars. I’m gay.”
Will Ferrel on the show tonight for his new racing movie "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” where he plays one of the most feared men behind the wheel. If you don’t count the Kennedy’s.
Letterman
It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple.
It was so hot my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban.
It was so hot at "The View” that their new cast member is Ted Williams.
It was so hot out that North Korea test launched a long range Popsicle.
It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.
It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11.
Saddam Hussein said at his trial that he wants to be shot instead of hanged. If he was in the U.S. there would be a third option – go to Florida and golf.
