Thursday, May 18, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
For our folks at home, in the audience tonight, we have over 400 people. Or as Bush calls them, our temporary audience worker program.
In his speech the other night President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexican border. The guard will track down and find illegals. I don’t know, that’s not really what the guard’s job is. They’re trained to fight, not track and find people. Lets be honest, the guard couldn’t track and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard.
President Bush said that 6000 National Guard troops will be on the border for one year. Preferably, an election year.
Conservative Republicans are worried there’s no way to keep track of all the illegal immigrants - unless of course, they start making phone calls. Then we’ll know. Other than that we are screwed.
"Forbes” magazine has come out with their list of the richest people in the world. Eighty-year-old Fidel Castro, Mr. Communism, is near the top of the list - they say he’s worth over $900-million. And today, when she heard this, Anna Nicole Smith hopped in an inner tube and started paddling to Cuba.
Texas is considering raising the speed limit to 80 miles an hour in Texas. This way, drivers can try and get to a gas station before the prices go up again.
Letterman
The Tony nominations are out. The Oprah thing, "The Color Purple” has been nominated for 12 Tony’s. I’m thrilled, it’s nice to see something finally going Oprah’s way.
Speaking of Tony’s a new musical is opening up about Vice President Cheney. It’s called "Cheney Get Your Gun”.
Conan
Barry Bonds is still in the news, chasing Babe Ruth’s home run record. Yesterday he was hit in the arm by a pitch. He was furious saying, "That’s the arm I inject myself with!”
President Bush was in Florida recently and he said that he thought his brother Jeb would make a great president. He then went on to ask, "Could you possibly start next week?”
The State of Texas is considering raising speed limits on some roads to 80 miles per hour. This is so illegals can get to work faster.
Leno
For our folks at home, in the audience tonight, we have over 400 people. Or as Bush calls them, our temporary audience worker program.
In his speech the other night President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexican border. The guard will track down and find illegals. I don’t know, that’s not really what the guard’s job is. They’re trained to fight, not track and find people. Lets be honest, the guard couldn’t track and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard.
President Bush said that 6000 National Guard troops will be on the border for one year. Preferably, an election year.
Conservative Republicans are worried there’s no way to keep track of all the illegal immigrants - unless of course, they start making phone calls. Then we’ll know. Other than that we are screwed.
"Forbes” magazine has come out with their list of the richest people in the world. Eighty-year-old Fidel Castro, Mr. Communism, is near the top of the list - they say he’s worth over $900-million. And today, when she heard this, Anna Nicole Smith hopped in an inner tube and started paddling to Cuba.
Texas is considering raising the speed limit to 80 miles an hour in Texas. This way, drivers can try and get to a gas station before the prices go up again.
Letterman
The Tony nominations are out. The Oprah thing, "The Color Purple” has been nominated for 12 Tony’s. I’m thrilled, it’s nice to see something finally going Oprah’s way.
Speaking of Tony’s a new musical is opening up about Vice President Cheney. It’s called "Cheney Get Your Gun”.
Conan
Barry Bonds is still in the news, chasing Babe Ruth’s home run record. Yesterday he was hit in the arm by a pitch. He was furious saying, "That’s the arm I inject myself with!”
President Bush was in Florida recently and he said that he thought his brother Jeb would make a great president. He then went on to ask, "Could you possibly start next week?”
The State of Texas is considering raising speed limits on some roads to 80 miles per hour. This is so illegals can get to work faster.
