Thursday, February 2, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Let me sum up the State of the Union for you — we’re in good shape, not as good as Exxon. But still pretty good.
Exxon-Mobil reported record earnings of $36 billion. Here’s the amazing part. They still can’t afford to pay somebody to clean the restrooms!
(Talking about State of the Union address) And could Hillary have looked more bored or what? Did you see her? She looked like she was listening to another Clinton alibi.
New Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was confirmed by the senate and sworn in yesterday. He replaces Sandra Day O’Connor who is leaving the court to be a regular on "Dancing with the Stars”.
The first confirmed case of bird flu has just been discovered in Iraq. This is just the kind of thing that can destroy their tourism industry.
"Walk The Line” was passed over for best picture nomination. Which makes ‘Brokeback Mountain” the clear favorite. See gay is in this year. If Johnny Cash had fallen for Jimmy Carter instead of June Carter…they would have had a lockout.
John Wayne spent his last years hoping the western would become popular again. It’s too bad he didn’t live to see this.
Letterman
Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That might not mean much to you but to President Bush it means a month off at the ranch.
Groundhog Day is a little different in New York City. Last year he climbed out of the hole and witnessed a homicide.
The State of the Union address was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas.
There was one awkward moment when the president’s speech was interrupted by an standing ovation from crooked lobbyists.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Have Learned In The Last 24 Years
1. CBS will tolerate a bad talk show longer than NBC.
2. Martha taught me there's no sex better than "I'm outta the joint" sex.
3. Rehearsal is for sissies.
4. Number 4 in the Top Ten is never funny.
5. The only thing funnier than a horny president is an idiot president.
6. We can't afford free iPods.
7. Treat the audience to free iPods.
8. Before makeup, Regis looks like an Arizona drifter.
9. An exotic animal taking a leak on your desk equals comedy gold.
10.If you want a month off, try quintuple bypass surgery.
Leno
Let me sum up the State of the Union for you — we’re in good shape, not as good as Exxon. But still pretty good.
Exxon-Mobil reported record earnings of $36 billion. Here’s the amazing part. They still can’t afford to pay somebody to clean the restrooms!
(Talking about State of the Union address) And could Hillary have looked more bored or what? Did you see her? She looked like she was listening to another Clinton alibi.
New Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was confirmed by the senate and sworn in yesterday. He replaces Sandra Day O’Connor who is leaving the court to be a regular on "Dancing with the Stars”.
The first confirmed case of bird flu has just been discovered in Iraq. This is just the kind of thing that can destroy their tourism industry.
"Walk The Line” was passed over for best picture nomination. Which makes ‘Brokeback Mountain” the clear favorite. See gay is in this year. If Johnny Cash had fallen for Jimmy Carter instead of June Carter…they would have had a lockout.
John Wayne spent his last years hoping the western would become popular again. It’s too bad he didn’t live to see this.
Letterman
Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That might not mean much to you but to President Bush it means a month off at the ranch.
Groundhog Day is a little different in New York City. Last year he climbed out of the hole and witnessed a homicide.
The State of the Union address was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas.
There was one awkward moment when the president’s speech was interrupted by an standing ovation from crooked lobbyists.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Have Learned In The Last 24 Years
1. CBS will tolerate a bad talk show longer than NBC.
2. Martha taught me there's no sex better than "I'm outta the joint" sex.
3. Rehearsal is for sissies.
4. Number 4 in the Top Ten is never funny.
5. The only thing funnier than a horny president is an idiot president.
6. We can't afford free iPods.
7. Treat the audience to free iPods.
8. Before makeup, Regis looks like an Arizona drifter.
9. An exotic animal taking a leak on your desk equals comedy gold.
10.If you want a month off, try quintuple bypass surgery.
