Wednesday, February 8, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Do you believe this weather? It was 88 today. I was sweating like a Danish cartoonist in Mecca.
Well the Super Bowl's over. So guys, you know what that means, time to take down the Christmas lights.
Even though it wasn’t very exciting news, this was the highest rating super bowl in ten years. I thought it would be low…but no. The NFL announced plans to get even higher ratings next year, bringing back Janet Jackson.
People in Seattle still pretty depressed today. In fact, they were so bummed out they were ordering cappuccino with no foam.
Pennsylvania fans still going crazy. In fact, the Amish were tipping over buggies, setting barns on fire, kicking over butter churns…it’s unbelievable.
Do you know that the Rolling Stones have a combined age of 246 years old? In fact, that’s why they preformed on a stage with a circular runway. See, that was kind of a precaution; in case any of them ‘wandered off’, they would eventually go back to the center.
Gillette introduced their new five blade razor fusion. Did you see that thing? Not to be outdone, today Schick introducing a riding mower for your face.
In more serious news, according to Newsweek, a justice department official has determined that the President of the United States has the legal authority to have someone killed if they want to. If you’re the president you can actually legally order the killing of someone. This will have Bill Clinton thinking twice about supporting Hillary for president.
The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no.
Ken Mehlman, the head of the republican national party said over the weekend that Hillary Clinton has a lot of anger and that voters don’t usually send angry candidates to the White House. See, angry candidates, no. Horny and stupid candidates, yes.
Letterman
I have stopped reading Muslim cartoons, they just aren’t fun anymore.
The Vatican has hired Michael Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem – you call Michael Jackson!
In fact he’s already been named an honorary priest.
Leno
Do you believe this weather? It was 88 today. I was sweating like a Danish cartoonist in Mecca.
Well the Super Bowl's over. So guys, you know what that means, time to take down the Christmas lights.
Even though it wasn’t very exciting news, this was the highest rating super bowl in ten years. I thought it would be low…but no. The NFL announced plans to get even higher ratings next year, bringing back Janet Jackson.
People in Seattle still pretty depressed today. In fact, they were so bummed out they were ordering cappuccino with no foam.
Pennsylvania fans still going crazy. In fact, the Amish were tipping over buggies, setting barns on fire, kicking over butter churns…it’s unbelievable.
Do you know that the Rolling Stones have a combined age of 246 years old? In fact, that’s why they preformed on a stage with a circular runway. See, that was kind of a precaution; in case any of them ‘wandered off’, they would eventually go back to the center.
Gillette introduced their new five blade razor fusion. Did you see that thing? Not to be outdone, today Schick introducing a riding mower for your face.
In more serious news, according to Newsweek, a justice department official has determined that the President of the United States has the legal authority to have someone killed if they want to. If you’re the president you can actually legally order the killing of someone. This will have Bill Clinton thinking twice about supporting Hillary for president.
The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no.
Ken Mehlman, the head of the republican national party said over the weekend that Hillary Clinton has a lot of anger and that voters don’t usually send angry candidates to the White House. See, angry candidates, no. Horny and stupid candidates, yes.
Letterman
I have stopped reading Muslim cartoons, they just aren’t fun anymore.
The Vatican has hired Michael Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem – you call Michael Jackson!
In fact he’s already been named an honorary priest.
