Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It’s been so windy here. Today illegal aliens were hang gliding across the border.
For the first time the Miss America Pageant was not broadcast on network television. It was on cable TV. It was on the Country Music Channel. You could really tell. Like three of the finalist said that their life’s goal was to be the first to marry outside their family.
The budget was not as big as in previous years. Like last year the winner got a check for $50,000. This year Miss Oklahoma got some flowers and a $200 gift certificate from the sizzler.
And they didn’t sing, "There she is, Miss America”. Larry the Cable Guy just told the winner, "Git-r-done.”
As you know, the Seahawks beat the Carolina Panthers 34-14. This is the most disappointing thing for panther fans since they fired those lesbian cheerleaders.
So it’s the Steelers and the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. So you’ve got Pittsburgh, the city known for Rocky Blier, Frank O’Harris, Terry Bradshaw, Mean Joe Green. And Seattle, the city where Bill Gates is from.
The government is still analyzing Osama bin Laden’s latest tape. On his most recent release he called Bush a liar and said that he was just after oil. It’s the usual stuff we have heard before. Like at the Golden Globes.
Senator Ted Kennedy said he plans to quit the owl club, a social club that bans women. Today Hillary Clinton asked Ted if he knew of any other clubs that ban women that her husband could join.
Some sad news – NBC has cancelled the west wing. The NBC show "West Wing” has been cancelled. That’s when you know things are bad…when even fictional Democrats aren’t doing well. Can’t even get elected on TV anymore.
Letterman
America’s must trusted man, Walter Cronkite who is 89 will get married this weekend. Cronkite is looking forward to the wedding night because it’s been a long time since he was able to say, "This just in.”
Leno
It’s been so windy here. Today illegal aliens were hang gliding across the border.
For the first time the Miss America Pageant was not broadcast on network television. It was on cable TV. It was on the Country Music Channel. You could really tell. Like three of the finalist said that their life’s goal was to be the first to marry outside their family.
The budget was not as big as in previous years. Like last year the winner got a check for $50,000. This year Miss Oklahoma got some flowers and a $200 gift certificate from the sizzler.
And they didn’t sing, "There she is, Miss America”. Larry the Cable Guy just told the winner, "Git-r-done.”
As you know, the Seahawks beat the Carolina Panthers 34-14. This is the most disappointing thing for panther fans since they fired those lesbian cheerleaders.
So it’s the Steelers and the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. So you’ve got Pittsburgh, the city known for Rocky Blier, Frank O’Harris, Terry Bradshaw, Mean Joe Green. And Seattle, the city where Bill Gates is from.
The government is still analyzing Osama bin Laden’s latest tape. On his most recent release he called Bush a liar and said that he was just after oil. It’s the usual stuff we have heard before. Like at the Golden Globes.
Senator Ted Kennedy said he plans to quit the owl club, a social club that bans women. Today Hillary Clinton asked Ted if he knew of any other clubs that ban women that her husband could join.
Some sad news – NBC has cancelled the west wing. The NBC show "West Wing” has been cancelled. That’s when you know things are bad…when even fictional Democrats aren’t doing well. Can’t even get elected on TV anymore.
Letterman
America’s must trusted man, Walter Cronkite who is 89 will get married this weekend. Cronkite is looking forward to the wedding night because it’s been a long time since he was able to say, "This just in.”
