Sunday, January 15, 2006
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it’s unlikely a person could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ!
Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? "I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?”
Ted Kennedy got pretty contentious, after he pointed out that Alito once belonged to a club that didn’t allow women, it was discovered that Senator Kennedy also once belonged to a club that wouldn’t allow women. Of course, with Kennedy those were club rules in place purely for the safety of women.
As you know, Governor Schwarzenegger was caught riding around on his motorcycle without a motorcycle license. I just hope this doesn’t encourage other people in California to drive without a proper license. You’d hate to see something like that catch on here.
A 75 yr-old man on death row is scheduled to be executed in California next Tuesday. The method of execution? A pillow held over his face by Anna Nichole Smith.
NBC announced plans today for 416 hours of Olympic coverage next month. 416 hours. That’s almost as much as they play "Law & Order”.
Letterman
It’s been unseasonably warm across the eastern U.S. In Cincinnati, that dead woman that was watching TV for two years – it was so warm in Cincinnati that she got up to take a walk.
It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. that the statue of Lincoln had a plate of fried chicken and potato salad on his lap.
Are you following the Samuel Alito Supreme Court Hearings? The hearings are so dull that CBS has ordered three more episodes.
Conan
The Supreme Court Hearings are getting strange. Today there was an odd moment when Senator Spector said that he goes to the same gym as Senator Ted Kennedy. Not surprisingly that gym is closed 364 days a year.
Leno
Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it’s unlikely a person could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ!
Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? "I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?”
Ted Kennedy got pretty contentious, after he pointed out that Alito once belonged to a club that didn’t allow women, it was discovered that Senator Kennedy also once belonged to a club that wouldn’t allow women. Of course, with Kennedy those were club rules in place purely for the safety of women.
As you know, Governor Schwarzenegger was caught riding around on his motorcycle without a motorcycle license. I just hope this doesn’t encourage other people in California to drive without a proper license. You’d hate to see something like that catch on here.
A 75 yr-old man on death row is scheduled to be executed in California next Tuesday. The method of execution? A pillow held over his face by Anna Nichole Smith.
NBC announced plans today for 416 hours of Olympic coverage next month. 416 hours. That’s almost as much as they play "Law & Order”.
Letterman
It’s been unseasonably warm across the eastern U.S. In Cincinnati, that dead woman that was watching TV for two years – it was so warm in Cincinnati that she got up to take a walk.
It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. that the statue of Lincoln had a plate of fried chicken and potato salad on his lap.
Are you following the Samuel Alito Supreme Court Hearings? The hearings are so dull that CBS has ordered three more episodes.
Conan
The Supreme Court Hearings are getting strange. Today there was an odd moment when Senator Spector said that he goes to the same gym as Senator Ted Kennedy. Not surprisingly that gym is closed 364 days a year.
