Saturday, August 6, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
It was hot outside today. In fact, it was so hot, Rafael Palmeiro was having a steroids slurpee.
Baltimore Orioles first basemen Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended for 10 games by Major League Baseball after testing positive for steroids. He’s also a spokesperson for Viagra. So he’s on steroids and Viagra. You know what that means? He doesn’t need a bat anymore.
Do you know what you call a player who doesn't take steroids? A Dodger.
Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical. The good news – he is in amazing shape. They said his heartbeat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you realize Dick Cheney doesn’t even have a heartbeat at all.
Although doctors did caution President Bush about his posture. They noticed when he starts he tends to lean way to the right.
Donald Trump told congress that he could renovate the U.N. cheaper and quicker than the current bids they have. Of course they’d have to change the name.
Lance Armstrong says after winning his seventh Tour de France, he just wants to lay around now and drink beer. So he’s taking up professional bowling?
When I walked out here before, I saw all the screaming girls out here, and then I remembered – oh, yeah, Al Gore is on the show!
Al Gore’s new cable TV channel made it’s debut today. Current TV, it’s called. Great, just what we need. Another TV network that’s ahead of NBC.
Al Gore’s new network will be like the internet on a television screen; you’ll see onscreen menus, internet slang terms, and a ‘progress bar’ that shows the length of each segment. Also, to make it just like the Internet, every day at 9 A.M. it will crash. And you’ll have to call someone in India to reset it again.
Letterman
It was a beautiful day out today, wasn’t it? On a day like this in New York you don’t know if the people are wearing sun block or are just covered in pigeon crap.
Shootings in New York City are up 70 percent. I knew we’d bounce back!
President Bush is about to start his annual month long vacation at his ranch in Texas. He goes there to unwind. I’m thinking, does this guy ever wind?
Over the weekend President Bush had his physical. They say he might be the most fit president in history. Which is good – if something were to happen to Cheney he could just jump right in and take over.
Leno
It was hot outside today. In fact, it was so hot, Rafael Palmeiro was having a steroids slurpee.
Baltimore Orioles first basemen Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended for 10 games by Major League Baseball after testing positive for steroids. He’s also a spokesperson for Viagra. So he’s on steroids and Viagra. You know what that means? He doesn’t need a bat anymore.
Do you know what you call a player who doesn't take steroids? A Dodger.
Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical. The good news – he is in amazing shape. They said his heartbeat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you realize Dick Cheney doesn’t even have a heartbeat at all.
Although doctors did caution President Bush about his posture. They noticed when he starts he tends to lean way to the right.
Donald Trump told congress that he could renovate the U.N. cheaper and quicker than the current bids they have. Of course they’d have to change the name.
Lance Armstrong says after winning his seventh Tour de France, he just wants to lay around now and drink beer. So he’s taking up professional bowling?
When I walked out here before, I saw all the screaming girls out here, and then I remembered – oh, yeah, Al Gore is on the show!
Al Gore’s new cable TV channel made it’s debut today. Current TV, it’s called. Great, just what we need. Another TV network that’s ahead of NBC.
Al Gore’s new network will be like the internet on a television screen; you’ll see onscreen menus, internet slang terms, and a ‘progress bar’ that shows the length of each segment. Also, to make it just like the Internet, every day at 9 A.M. it will crash. And you’ll have to call someone in India to reset it again.
Letterman
It was a beautiful day out today, wasn’t it? On a day like this in New York you don’t know if the people are wearing sun block or are just covered in pigeon crap.
Shootings in New York City are up 70 percent. I knew we’d bounce back!
President Bush is about to start his annual month long vacation at his ranch in Texas. He goes there to unwind. I’m thinking, does this guy ever wind?
Over the weekend President Bush had his physical. They say he might be the most fit president in history. Which is good – if something were to happen to Cheney he could just jump right in and take over.
