Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Here’s a great story – all seven crewmen are doing fine after being rescued from that Russian mini-sub that was trapped under water. The mini-sub is about 44 feet long and more than 18 feet high. Or as we call it in this country - a SUV.
"The Dukes of Hazard” was number one movie. Taking in over $30 million….or, as Willie Nelson calls that….back taxes!
Two jurors in the Michael Jackson case now say they’ve changed their minds; they now say Michael is guilty. I believe the legal term for this is "book deal”.
Here’s my favorite story - two of the Michael Jackson jurors were on MSNBC tonight to say they regretted acquitting Michael and they know think he’s really guilty. It’s kind of sad, in California; it’s always the jury who’s the last to know.
Can we at least get these two morons to give us back the $10 a day we paid them to be on jury duty?
There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I’m glad she didn’t sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction.
Jose Canseco is now selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. He didn’t want to sell it, but since he’s off steroids, he can only wear it as a bracelet now.
A scary moment for Marie Osmond, everyone is okay after a fire broke out at her home in Orrin, Utah. Luckily all 5500 Osmonds were evacuated safely.
Letterman
Earlier today they had a simulated gas attack here in New York City. You could tell too – the rats were all covering their faces with hankies.
This was the biggest gas in New York City since…the Republican Convention.
The space shuttle landed safely today. Not only did NASA get the shuttle safely on the ground – they also saved 15% with Geico on their car insurance.
President Bush is on his vacation Crawford, Texas. He says he’ll leave only when Crawford is capable of self rule.
Have you heard this? Two of the Michael Jackson jurors now believe he’s guilty. Gee…if only they could have done something about it.
Conan
Despite bad weather and delays, NASA was able to get the space shuttle Discovery to the ground safely. They had to reroute the landing due to bad weather. Even though the landing was safe, no surprisingly the crew luggage was sent to Atlanta.
Leno
Here’s a great story – all seven crewmen are doing fine after being rescued from that Russian mini-sub that was trapped under water. The mini-sub is about 44 feet long and more than 18 feet high. Or as we call it in this country - a SUV.
"The Dukes of Hazard” was number one movie. Taking in over $30 million….or, as Willie Nelson calls that….back taxes!
Two jurors in the Michael Jackson case now say they’ve changed their minds; they now say Michael is guilty. I believe the legal term for this is "book deal”.
Here’s my favorite story - two of the Michael Jackson jurors were on MSNBC tonight to say they regretted acquitting Michael and they know think he’s really guilty. It’s kind of sad, in California; it’s always the jury who’s the last to know.
Can we at least get these two morons to give us back the $10 a day we paid them to be on jury duty?
There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I’m glad she didn’t sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction.
Jose Canseco is now selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. He didn’t want to sell it, but since he’s off steroids, he can only wear it as a bracelet now.
A scary moment for Marie Osmond, everyone is okay after a fire broke out at her home in Orrin, Utah. Luckily all 5500 Osmonds were evacuated safely.
Letterman
Earlier today they had a simulated gas attack here in New York City. You could tell too – the rats were all covering their faces with hankies.
This was the biggest gas in New York City since…the Republican Convention.
The space shuttle landed safely today. Not only did NASA get the shuttle safely on the ground – they also saved 15% with Geico on their car insurance.
President Bush is on his vacation Crawford, Texas. He says he’ll leave only when Crawford is capable of self rule.
Have you heard this? Two of the Michael Jackson jurors now believe he’s guilty. Gee…if only they could have done something about it.
Conan
Despite bad weather and delays, NASA was able to get the space shuttle Discovery to the ground safely. They had to reroute the landing due to bad weather. Even though the landing was safe, no surprisingly the crew luggage was sent to Atlanta.
