Sunday, August 28, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
The big story here locally is that the space shuttle discovery left California today. It’s been here since it landed a week ago. They say it will cost one million dollars to transport the shuttle back to Florida. A million dollars! So, apparently they are driving it back!
Actually they flew the shuttle on the back of a 747, show that… (Drop-in video screen: space shuttle on top of plane) Today President Bush objected, he said it looked way too gay.
Today Exxon announced they’re not going to lower the price of gas but to lessen the pain, they are now going to put some Vaseline on the nozzles.
Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they’re feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows. Do you think that’s a good idea? Giving their cows marijuana. It’s only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a seven eleven in Leningrad.
We want to wish President Clinton happy birthday. He is 59 years old. Hillary gave him a surprise birthday party. Well, actually, Bill was having a party, then Hillary walked in and said, "Surprise!”
Clinton’s at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to remember he’s married.
The Little League Baseball World Series began today in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The first team eliminated…the Kansas City Royals.
They have lost eighteen games in a row. They are closing in on the all time record of 21…eighteen games they have lost. Kansas City has the only stadium where the good seats are the ones where you don’t face the field.
Anybody see "Big Brother” last night? Someone else was thrown out of the house. You know who kicked them out of the house? Israeli soldiers.
Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn’t want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It’s the same way that Republicans feel about the White House
Leno
The big story here locally is that the space shuttle discovery left California today. It’s been here since it landed a week ago. They say it will cost one million dollars to transport the shuttle back to Florida. A million dollars! So, apparently they are driving it back!
Actually they flew the shuttle on the back of a 747, show that… (Drop-in video screen: space shuttle on top of plane) Today President Bush objected, he said it looked way too gay.
Today Exxon announced they’re not going to lower the price of gas but to lessen the pain, they are now going to put some Vaseline on the nozzles.
Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they’re feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows. Do you think that’s a good idea? Giving their cows marijuana. It’s only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a seven eleven in Leningrad.
We want to wish President Clinton happy birthday. He is 59 years old. Hillary gave him a surprise birthday party. Well, actually, Bill was having a party, then Hillary walked in and said, "Surprise!”
Clinton’s at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to remember he’s married.
The Little League Baseball World Series began today in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The first team eliminated…the Kansas City Royals.
They have lost eighteen games in a row. They are closing in on the all time record of 21…eighteen games they have lost. Kansas City has the only stadium where the good seats are the ones where you don’t face the field.
Anybody see "Big Brother” last night? Someone else was thrown out of the house. You know who kicked them out of the house? Israeli soldiers.
Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn’t want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It’s the same way that Republicans feel about the White House
