Friday, August 5, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Another scorcher today in Los Angeles, Jessica Simpson changed into an even smaller pair of shorts.
A group of U.S. Muslim scholars announced today they have forbidden terrorism. Well that's nipping it in the bud. I'm glad they came out with this so soon, before things got out of hand.
Here’s a story I mentioned earlier in the week – a new report says that in 2002 Osama bin Laden tried to buy thousands of pounds of cocaine, poison it and then sell it here in America. Tainted cocaine – as opposed to the normal healthy cocaine most Americans enjoy.
So remember when you buy cocaine, if the safety seal is already broken… just return it. Always keep your receipt just in case you need to return it.
Bin Laden’s plan was to put enough poison in the cocaine to either kill thousands of Americans, or give Whitney Houston a really bad headache.
Bin Laden’s plan was to put enough poison in the cocaine to either kill thousands of Americans, or give Whitney Houston a really bad headache.
Yesterday the pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it’s like they’re going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of god, but see now that job has been transferred to the federal government.
Letterman
Good news. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. It’s so low that 9-1-1 is now the psychic hotline.
The FDA has approved new treatment for insomnia. You’re watching it!
Martha Stewart gets her anklet bracelet removed in two weeks. Finally…she can now come over to my place.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses For Stealing Direct TV
1. It's not like he killed anyone.
2. Since when is stealing against the law?!
3. Cable's been out since he stabbed his television.
4. "Hey, any publicity is good publicity, am I right?"
5. Believe it or not, he's had a bit of trouble landing a job.
6. It was a rare lapse in judgment.
7. Figured "real killers" might show up on one of them great premium movie channels.
8. Wanted to see where he ranked on Court TV's 100 Creepiest Acquitted Murderers.
9. Spends a lot of time watching television now that it's too hot to go out and kill people.
10. For some reason, cable guy is afraid to come to the house.
Leno
Another scorcher today in Los Angeles, Jessica Simpson changed into an even smaller pair of shorts.
A group of U.S. Muslim scholars announced today they have forbidden terrorism. Well that's nipping it in the bud. I'm glad they came out with this so soon, before things got out of hand.
Here’s a story I mentioned earlier in the week – a new report says that in 2002 Osama bin Laden tried to buy thousands of pounds of cocaine, poison it and then sell it here in America. Tainted cocaine – as opposed to the normal healthy cocaine most Americans enjoy.
So remember when you buy cocaine, if the safety seal is already broken… just return it. Always keep your receipt just in case you need to return it.
Bin Laden’s plan was to put enough poison in the cocaine to either kill thousands of Americans, or give Whitney Houston a really bad headache.
Bin Laden’s plan was to put enough poison in the cocaine to either kill thousands of Americans, or give Whitney Houston a really bad headache.
Yesterday the pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it’s like they’re going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of god, but see now that job has been transferred to the federal government.
Letterman
Good news. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. It’s so low that 9-1-1 is now the psychic hotline.
The FDA has approved new treatment for insomnia. You’re watching it!
Martha Stewart gets her anklet bracelet removed in two weeks. Finally…she can now come over to my place.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses For Stealing Direct TV
1. It's not like he killed anyone.
2. Since when is stealing against the law?!
3. Cable's been out since he stabbed his television.
4. "Hey, any publicity is good publicity, am I right?"
5. Believe it or not, he's had a bit of trouble landing a job.
6. It was a rare lapse in judgment.
7. Figured "real killers" might show up on one of them great premium movie channels.
8. Wanted to see where he ranked on Court TV's 100 Creepiest Acquitted Murderers.
9. Spends a lot of time watching television now that it's too hot to go out and kill people.
10. For some reason, cable guy is afraid to come to the house.
